I first want to say that I respect your ability to tell it like it is and that’s why I’ve come to you today. I’ve been in a relationship for 5 years with a guy who is about 5 years older than I am.
He was MY first love, but he had been in a serious relationship before, and he considers her his first love (let’s name her “Krystal”).
He and Krystal were high school sweethearts. But, all the while he had a female “best friend” who was eager to play the side chick. Let’s call her “Brianna.” Now, I like to think of myself as a secure woman and I give him his space. He allowed me access to his Facebook account and email account and of course I went looking for stuff.
What I found in his Yahoo account were old emails from Brianna admitting how much she loved him and how bad she wanted him to end things with Krystal. Oh, and get this! I found a message that required some decoding and filling in the blanks, but realized that they came very close to sleeping together. You would think that him given me his account information meant he had nothing to hide, but he has a terrible memory and I think he forgot what he had stored in there!
So, what’s all this got to do with me right? Well, while I was on his Facebook page she pops up and tells him that she still has feelings for him and how she misses him. Now, I’ve expressed my concerns to him and he tries to convince me that she really is just a friend. But, I know what I saw in those old messages. And, they occasionally text each other, but he deletes the messages. (Hmmm?!) I clearly do not approve of this friendship and it has come up several times throughout our relationship. Did I mention we have a family? I’m ready to give him an ultimatum.
I usually can sort through my issues with no problem, but this has me stumped. I would be fine if this was all past issues, but she keeps finding her way into our present. And, if she was fine playing his side bird before why wouldn’t she now? Am I overreacting? Is he being insensitive to my feelings? What should I do? I want her out of the picture. (And I’ve told her this before). – She’s Getting In The Way
Dear Ms. She’s Getting In The Way,
So, if you don’t approve of their friendship, and it continues to come up throughout your relationship, and he has not done anything about it, then he doesn’t respect you or your relationship, and he will not get rid of her as his friend because he is getting something out of it. What? I don’t know. But, you need to ask him and find out.
And, let’s be very clear, they are not friends! She is a woman who wants to be with him, and he knows this. They don’t hang out, they don’t chill at each other’s houses, and they are not talking about the news, life, and their families. She is talking about screwing him, being with him, and having a relationship. That is not a friend!
So, why is he keeping her around, communicating with her on Facebook and email, and they are always texting one another, yet, he deletes the messages and says nothing is going on between them? If she has expressed her undying love to him, and willingness to be the side chick, then, either he is keeping her in the backfield as the “just in case” chick, or he has feelings for her but is afraid to sleep with her because he knows he won’t be able to get rid of her.
What is a “just in case” chick? She is the one woman a man has that he calls a “friend,” and he knows he can smash at any time because she loves him, and she will do anything for him, but he won’t sleep with her unless he’s really frustrated, he’s drunk, or things are not good at home, or he’s not happy with his girl. So, she becomes the chick in the backfield, the lingering bird who will do any and everything. And, he is not going to get rid of her, not unless he meets that one woman whom he falls head over heels in love with and he is willing to give up everything, and everyone who gets in his way of having her.
And, you, my dear, are not that woman he is willing to give up everything and everyone for. You’ve been with him for five years, and you’re not married. You’re living together playing house and you have a family, yet, he is still communicating and entertaining a woman from his high school days that has professed her love for him, and she has done this in email and on social media, and via texts. She is not going to go away, not even when you confronted her and told her to stay out of your lives. He has to tell her to leave him alone, and to leave his family alone. He has to delete her out of his life, block her calls, and block her emails and from his social media. He needs to put her in her place and let her know she is out of order, and that nothing will ever come between them, and that he wants nothing to do with her.
Now, clearly he feels he has nothing to hide as he has given you access to his Facebook and email account. There seems to be some level of trust. However, what he finds innocent and non-consequential as it relates to this woman who wants to sleep with him, and he’s known this for years, does not sit well with you, and it bothers you. I’m curious to know what did you uncover in your sleuthing in regards to his responses to her. What did he say to her, and how did he respond to her desires? Was he responsive? Did he express the desire to sleep with her, or his feelings for her?
You should express to him how would he feel if some man from your past was emailing you, texting you, and hitting you up on social media professing his undying love, and how he wants to sleep with you? Would he let it go, and not think anything about it? Would he be upset if he told you to do something about it, and you responded by saying, “He’s just a friend?” Hell to the naw. He would be throwing a hissy fit, and demanding you end things with your friend.
Therefore, yes, he is being insensitive to you, your feelings, and your requests. If you’ve told him that you want her out of the picture, and out of your lives, yet, he’s done nothing to rectify the situation, then, he doesn’t respect your feelings or requests. No, you are not overreacting. Just like you said, if she was willing to play the side bird before with his ex, then, she clearly has no problem being the side bird with you as his present girlfriend. She’s made that clear. Also, she doesn’t respect you or your relationship, and it’s because he hasn’t set any boundaries, or confronted her. Therefore, she feels she doesn’t need to respect you.
So, give him an ultimatum. Either he gets rid of her, or he loses you and his family. He needs to show some respect to you and your relationship. He needs to let it be known where he stands as it relates to you in his life. Are you his woman and the woman he plans to marry? Are you someone he’s serious about? Where is this relationship going, if after five years you’re not married, and you’re not engaged, then what is the next stage of your relationship? Why doesn’t he let her go, and respect that he’s in a new relationship, and how this woman from his past is causing unnecessary stress and aggravation? If you’re his present and his future, then why is he holding on to someone from the past? Let her go! – Terrance Dean
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