Dear Bossip: We’re Both Under 20 & Live Together, But It’s Difficult & I Feel Our High School Romance Is Over

- By Bossip Staff

Dear Bossip,

I’ve been with my boyfriend, on and off, all through high school. We’re both under 20 years of age and have an apartment together.

I guess everything is fading because every other week or month he’s been asking me would I like to go back home, like I just can. I moved away from my family, but me and my family aren’t that close anyway. And, I’ve been getting frustrated with him about that, but lately he told me he’s not physically nor sexually attracted to me anymore. Quiet honestly, I’m not attracted to myself; I’m not saying this because I feel bad or anything. I know I’m not looking my best, but how can I when I’m young and pay bills? I can’t even by myself a new hair bow. I need a makeover, or sweepstakes.

But, it’s not that easy because the apartment and bills are in my name and we have a savings account together. He’s controlling, and I’m tired of that, too. It’s always he can say and do whatever, but I can’t and he’s overly insecure. If you seen him you wouldn’t think that because he’s very good looking. I don’t know. I really need some advice. It’s not easy not having anyone to talk to.

I’ve also felt that I was pulling away from him because my interest has been on girls lately. But, also, because I feel like I’m too good to keep putting up with this after all I’ve done and continue to do. Is our high school romance over? Please let me know. – Ms. Trying To Get Me Good

Dear Ms. Trying To Get Me Good,

Yes, the high school romance is over. You are no longer lovebirds living under the protection and roofs of your parents, sneaking out with each other on the weekdays and week nights to meet up and talk about your dreams and fantasies. You are no longer in high school, meeting at your locker in between classes, kissing and feeling one another up, and making plans to skip school.

Nope. Those days are long gone. You both decided you wanted to be adults, and play grown-ups, and move out on your own and live in your high school sweetheart bliss. Welp, you did and it’s not so pretty is it? Life is hard, and it’s tough. Life is full of paying bills, going to work, and being responsible adults. It’s not about laying up and laying around your loved one all day, and not having a worry in a world. It’s about taking care of yourselves, feeding yourselves, and struggling to keep the lights on, the water, paying car notes, your phones, and traveling back and forth to work.

Welcome to adulthood. Welcome to being independent and living on your own.

Now, because –ish has hit the fan, and the reality has set in for him, he is ready to bail out and call it quits. He’s ready to run home and go back to the safety net he once had. He’s figured out that life is not kind. It’s not hanging out in the streets and not worrying if food will be on the table and in the fridge when he comes home. He has to work. Be a man. And, take care of his responsibilities. And, you have become part of his responsibility. No longer is it just about him, or just about you. It’s the two of you in this together.

So, now what do you do? Do you give up and run back home? Unfortunately, you say you can’t go home because you’re not close with your family. What will you do, or what can you do? Well, it will suck if he just up and leaves you and returns home. That is why he keeps asking you if you would like to go back home. The reality is that he wants to go back and home. And, because you can’t he is frustrated. He is angry. And, you are part of his frustration and anger. And, this puts a strain on your relationship and his feelings for you where he no longer finds you attractive physically or sexually. He wants out and feels obligated to stay. SMH!

You have options. And, you need to strongly consider them. The first is let him go home. Let him leave, and end this relationship. He is not about this life, and you can’t afford to take care of him emotionally or mentally, nor be in this unhealthy relationship where he resents you. Why be with someone who doesn’t find you physically or sexually attractive? Why be with someone who resents you, and wants to control you? It’s not worth your sanity, health, and well-being. Let him go, wish him well, and figure out how you can either stay in this apartment by yourself, or you find a smaller studio apartment that you can afford. It’s time to look out for you!

The next option is that you both return home to your parent’s homes. Yes, that means you will have to learn how to work on your relationship with your parent/s, and resolve the matter as an adult. No more arguing, no more talking back, and no more bucking their rules. I know it’s hard being a young adult living with your parent/s, and you think you know it all. Well, apparently that hasn’t worked out for you because look at your situation. At some point, you have to grow up, and start to take responsibility for your part and what you contribute to the dissention in the relationship. Sit down, talk, and work it out.

Whatever is going on at home, you can talk about it. Learn to listen, and learn how to better communicate with one another. Being at home will allow you the opportunity to continue working, save some money, and you can give yourself 6 months to a year to earn enough money to move into another smaller and more affordable apartment alone. Yes, alone. The relationship with your boyfriend is over. It’s time to focus on you, building you, and taking care of yourself. And, also get back into school. Having an education, and empowering yourself will pay off in the long run so you won’t end up in this same rut.

The final option is that you and your boyfriend can reassess your situation, get into couple’s counseling, and find an apartment that is more affordable to your income. There are some issues and challenges you both face and need to address. You have problems at home, and with your family that you bringing into this relationship. He resents you, and is unhappy in this situation, and has emotionally, mentally, and physically shut down from you. You see the layers that is being created simply because neither of you are not ready for the types of responsibilities you’re taking on, and you’re both under 20 years of age?

You’re also complicating matters with your sexuality, and questioning whether you want to be with girls. You don’t find yourself pretty or attractive. You give all your power over to him, and you allow him to dictate to you what you can and cannot do. If you remain in this relationship, and in this situation it will only get worse. He will become verbally abusive, emotionally abusive, and then physically abusive. And, you will stay because you feel you have no place to go, nowhere to turn, and no one to talk to.

You have the power to change this situation, and this circumstance. Think of you. Think of what you desire and what you want out of life. If it means ending it with him, then end it. If it means you struggle on your own without him, then it’s better to struggle alone than with someone who doesn’t want to be with you. The worst thing you can do is try to make someone stay with you who doesn’t want to be with you, or force something that is no longer working. If he wants to leave, then let him leave. Hell, help him pack, and wish him well. He is doing you a favor. And, I’m sure there are some programs, centers, and groups that can assist you in finding an apartment, a better job, and getting into college, either community college, or a trade school. Find a spiritual foundation, church, or center where you can go and talk to someone, and also a place where you can get motivated and inspired. Surround yourself with positive reinforcements. You can reclaim your life, and your power, but you have to be willing to do it. So, look at your options, and welcome to the real world. Welcome to life. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Deanloveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

    

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