Dear Bossip: I Got Pregnant While I Was Involved With 2 Men & The One I Hoped Was The Father Was Not

- By Bossip Staff

Dear Bossip,

I don’t know where to begin, but I’m going to just try. I was in a relationship for about 5 years and we broke up.

While we were broken up we were still having sex with each other. Then, I found out he was seeing someone else. He was telling all types of stories, like the girl lived a couple blocks from his house, but actually the woman lived two doors down from his mom house.

We still was talking to each other and seeing each other on and off. Then, there was a girl that moved in to his mom’s basement and he decided that he was going to live with this girl. I was seeing another guy, let’s call him “CJ.” While I was seeing CJ I was still seeing my ex, too, while he was living with his girl.

I found out I was pregnant and my ex didn’t want me to have the baby, but I decided to have it anyway. I stop talking to my ex because he was causing problems and telling lies like, he told his girl he told me to stop calling him when in actuality it was him who was calling me and I was returning his calls. All this drama, while I was pregnant, plus I was in love with him, I couldn’t see myself with anyone else.

CJ was still in the picture. I would hang out sometimes with him and his family. He believed the baby was his and I just stepped away from him and focused on my pregnancy and tried to work things out with my ex, but that did not work. My ex and I argued all the time and did not get along after awhile.

I had my baby and my ex was there for me. Months later, CJ starting calling me to find out if I had the baby. CJ wanted a DNA test, so I decided against family advice to do the test to get CJ out of my life once and for all. We did the test and the test came back that my ex was not my child’s father, but CJ was. I was so upset and angry. So, eventually I had to tell my ex the truth, but I did not want to hurt him, but I did.

We’ve moved on with our lives. I’m single and my ex has two kids and miserable, he says. Yes, we still talk even up to this day. I feel like I can turn to my ex for anything and he would be there for me regardless of who’s in my life or not.

My ex and I have arguments now and then because he moved on and he wants me to stick around. He tells me some of his stories with the girl he’s with and the lies also. I just listen and give my opinion and then leave it alone.

CJ and I don’t get along not even for our child’s sake. We have arguments over the stupidest things. He thinks he knows everything and he always has to be right, and he could be dead wrong. What should I do about my ex and CJ? – Two Men In My Life

Dear Ms. Two Men In My Life,

So, you were sleeping with your ex while in a relationship with CJ? And, your ex was with another woman, and sleeping with you at the same time. Therefore, we have four people having casual sex, and two of them were unaware that their partner was stepping out on them. And, you were having unprotected sex with both of these men.

Hmmmm, now, explain to me what ratchet behavior is, and please explain to me the logic of sleeping with two different people, without protection? You and your ex were absolutely careless, reckless, and immature. Why be in a relationship if you’re going to cheat? Why subject the other person’s involved to your indiscretions, lies, deceptions, and untrustworthiness? The level of disrespect and dishonesty is a testament of your character and self-worth.

Someone who doesn’t like themselves, love themselves, or even care about others would do what you and your ex did. To be so thoughtless and inconsiderate of others just so you could get what you want is vile and crude. Just gutter!

You involved someone else in your drama, and when you became pregnant you didn’t even know who the father was. But, the culpable acts of your family who advised you not to do a DNA test shows even more the stupidity and ignorance of this hood behavior and the degree to which people would deceive someone else into believing a lie. They would rather rally around you and have you lie and deceive another man into believing a child was his, and all along you didn’t know, and until CJ asked for a DNA test you probably would have made your ex think the child was his. SMDH!

Now, you’re asking me what to do with both of these men. How about you take some time and focus on you and your child? How about you leave both of these men alone, get into taking care of you, grow up, mature, and stop playing these childish hood games. Your ex is an ex for a reason. He chose to be with other women. He chose them and not you. If he really wanted to be with you, and if he was so miserable and unhappy with his life and girlfriend, then why stay? Why remain with someone who doesn’t make you happy? And, why are you counseling him, granting him access to your life to bish and moan about his life? You are not a therapist or psychologist. You are not his momma, or his best friend. Stop fooling yourself into believing and thinking he cares about you. He doesn’t. He is just using you, dumping his negativity onto you, and sucking the life out of you.

He is an emotional and mental vampire, and you are allowing him to dump on you and take from you. Stop it. He doesn’t love you. You’re not his friend. Stop taking his calls, stop allowing him access to you, and stop letting him in your life. He’s taking from you, and not giving or uplifting you. He is not a man, but a boy.

And, CJ is your child’s father. Learn how to communicate, work with him, and stop allowing him to get you angry or upset. You’re not in a relationship with him. You’re co-parents, thus, you better learn how to co-parent for the sake of your child. Go to court and get full custody of your child. Go to court and set up visitation with CJ, and put him on child support. Stop trying to handle this on your own. It’s obvious you two can’t agree on anything. Therefore, let the court settle it.

It’s time for you to really think about your future and the future of your child. These two men do not love you or care about you. And, if you think you have to decide between them, then you are sadly mistaken. There is no choice between them. The choice should always be you and your child. Find a school, and enroll in a class/es, and get out of this rut. Expand your horizons, and get involved in a church, or a group that encourages positivity and encouragement. Take the time to love yourself, build your self-esteem and your self-worth. Stop giving your power to men, and get out of this disillusioned idea that you can change them, make them love you, or that they love you. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Deanloveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

    

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