I am almost 26-years old and have been married to my husband for 5 years.
He works night shifts and we hardly do anything together because he’s sleeping during the day because of his work schedule. We have a 3-year old together. Lately, I was having dreams of an ex from years ago. He was my first real boyfriend at age 18. I felt like I really missed him so I contacted him, and we text and talk daily. I miss what we had. I was thinking of an open relationship, but don’t know how to tell my husband. I am so confused. Can you guide me the right way and what do you think I should do? – Confused Woman
Dear Ms. Confused Woman,
So, let me make sure I’m hearing you correctly: You want to approach your husband and tell him that you want an open relationship because you miss what you had with an ex-boyfriend from when you were 18 years old. Yeah, you do that. I’ll wait on the next letter from you, that’s if you’ll be able to write from your coma.
SMDH! Chile, here we go! I swear you folks will displace your emotions and feelings and blame the other person for what they are not doing, and you are a huge contributing factor of what’s the problem in your marriage. You won’t express yourselves, be honest, or truthful with your mates, and you don’t know how to express what you want, need, and desire. You don’t know how to use your words properly. You only create arguments, and when you’re not being heard, you do what you’re doing and that is seek out the attention of another because, “They understand me. They get me.” GROW THE DAMN HELL UP!
In reality what is really going on is that you’re missing your husband’s affection and attention. You’re missing the intimacy with your husband because he works nights and is tired when he comes home and sleeps during the day. Therefore, because you won’t express to your husband what you’re feeling, and how it makes you feel undesirable, unwanted, and unloved, you’ve reached out to an ex-boyfriend to fulfill these desires. Instead of going to your husband to fulfill your desires and needs, you want to ask him for an open relationship so you can get what you want. Does that make any logical sense to you? Really? Does it?
You’re trying to reenact a relationship from when you were 18-years old. Ma’am, you’re 26-years old, and you’re still thinking about a relationship you had when you were 18-years old. Therein lies the problem. You’re trying to recapture the past to make it your present. Eight years have gone by, yet, you’re still living in the past attempting to make it your present day reality. Sweetie, you’re married with a 3-year old child. Is it worth it to bring in another man into your marriage? Is it worth it to destroy your marriage, unravel what you’re building, and dismantle your family because you want an affair? All because you want intimacy, desire, and to feel loved, wanted, and needed.
Wouldn’t it make more sense to go to your husband and say, “Honey, I know you work nights. I appreciate all that you do for our family. You work hard. You go above and beyond to make sure that we won’t go without. You care for us. You take good care of your child. You’re a real man and that is why I married you. However, I want to share with you that lately I’ve been feeling unwanted. I’ve been feeling unneeded, and undesirable. I need some intimate time with you. I want to spend some quality time with you as a family, and feel your presence. I know you’re tired when you get home, but is it possible that you can make an effort to consider my needs, my wants, and my desires. I want to make you feel like a man, and you want you to make me feel like a woman. Can we work on that as a team?”
Now, I’m sure your husband would respond positively and would make an effort. But, you’ve got to work together. Hell, the man works nights. He’s tired when he comes home and you’re up and going a hundred miles an hour because you’ve slept and rested your body. He hasn’t had the time to rest and heal his body from an 8 or 12 hour shift. So, work together.
Instead of being so dramatic and selfish, and wanting to ask for an open relationship, don’t be surprised if he responds negatively, and splits your damn wig! How about you stop communicating with your ex. You’re a married woman. You have a family. Focus on your family, and building what you’ve signed on for. End the communication and contact before it goes too far and you there is no coming back. You’ll find yourself losing everything – your child, and your husband. So, don’t fall back into your trifling, nasty, and hoe-ish ways. I’m not saying you are, but what you’re describing sounds like it. Communicate openly and honestly with your husband about your needs, desires, and wants. I’m sure you can resolve what you really want and get what you both need. – Terrance Dean
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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!