Please help me decipher what is really going on in my life as I am at a total loss.
While studying part-time, I had made a conscious decision to focus on completing my degree and the thought of being in a relationship was on the back burner, though I did feel lonely from time to time. Upon waiting to graduate in 2012 I decided it was time to open up myself to love and relationships. In June of that same year I met “Phillip” on FB (his brother and I went to the same high school so he wasn’t a random weirdo).
Soon after chatting online we exchanged numbers and began swapping stories about our lives. He was funny and talked passionately about topics from relationships, to politics, to movies, to his other activities; so, I being a reserved and somewhat socially awkward person was enthralled by how exciting he seemed to be. As we chatted more he made mention that he was still in love with his ex-girlfriend and that he was, as he put it, “a hoe.” So, she dumped him, but now he wants to change his ways.
Realizing that this man had baggage, but not wanting to lose this new care-free friend, I told him we could hang out, be FWB and see how it goes.
Phillip started picking me up from work, calling me every day, taking me to places that I had never been to. Though, those things were simple, I preferred them more than actual dinner and movie dates, as I have done those in the past and they never developed into a meaningful relationship. One of the things I told Phillip was that even though I was 29, I had never spent the night at a man’s house. My parents are very strict and still had a lot of old school values, even at my age my mother didn’t allow me to sleep out and come home in the morning.
Phillip told me I was too sheltered and that I needed to break out of that; so, I started spending lots of time at his apartment. I was at his place one afternoon and he lay on top of me and started grinding on me so I pushed him off, he looked confused because I did initially say we could be FWB, but I didn’t want to risk him sexing me and dumping me, so I decided to make him wait by telling him I wasn’t ready (even though I was dying to have sex). He therefore said he won’t ask for sex till I was ready, so we decided to wait three months, till September.
A few weeks later my friend “Lee” asked me to dinner to catch up. I told Phillip I was hanging out with Lee and Phillip asked if he could join us. Upon Phillip’s arrival he saw that Lee was a man; I didn’t realize that Phillip would have gotten so upset as he just came in the restaurant and introduced himself to my male friend and walked out. Weeks later Phillip took me to the same restaurant and invites his “cousin” (a female who acted like she had sex with him before) and totally ignored me the whole time and spoke only to her.
After dinner Phillip dropped me off at home and he and his so-called cousin drove off together; that night I made a decision to end the friendship, but he called and apologized a few days later.
This is where things just un-raveled, Phillip got suspended from his job and started slacking on seeing me, and he kept promising to see me when he could. I got fed up of waiting for almost two months to see him (though we talked on the phone everyday). So, in order to get over him I went to a sports bar with Lee and some friends and willingly had sex with one of the guys later that night in order to get over Phillip; my thinking was if I could break the three month promise to Phillip, I would get over him because if I truly liked him I would have kept my promise.
Unfortunately, that didn’t work as I missed Phillip even more, so I ended up calling Phillip and told him that I was sorry that I had sex with someone else. Phillip now started hanging out with another woman a couple weeks later and spoke to me sparingly. He then asked me for a $3,500 loan for his car after I asked him to get rid of her.
I loaned him the money, but when I asked him to come pick me up after work, he would refuse and told me that he and the other woman were having sex now.
By November the woman had dumped him because she said he’s too broke for her and from December 2012 to July 2013 we were fighting and having sex, insulting each other with things we knew would cut deep. He would say I’m a little girl in a woman’s body. I would tell him he’s broke and ugly. Then, the next day we would be cuddling and saying we loved each other.
Even though he did pay back the $3500 loan, I was still chipping in financially so I demanded that I be his girlfriend and in that August 2013 we were together; but, he said he was not going to make it known to others as he wants to have his life remain private. I decided to tag him in a lot of my FB pictures, but he made me un-tag him and threatened to leave me.
I got upset, so I yelled at him about his messed up life and then I begged him to take me back a few days later. Phillip forgave me then asked for a $7,000 loan for his expenses as his daughter started living with him shortly thereafter, due to her mother leaving. After lending him the money I was torn. I wanted to leave as I knew this was not a real relationship, but I got lonely after a couple of days and would call him back.
By September to December 2013, he continued to pick me up after work and spend time with me, but I hardly went to his apartment and we had sex only twice in four months. His excuse was that his daughter is just getting to really know him and she wants him to stay single because she wants him to only love her mother, so I cannot be at his place anymore.
Since the start of 2014 we have never had sex and we decided to go back to being friends. We talk and he would still pick me up after work and we would spend time together now and then. He said he just wants to be single, but he would never abandon me.
After much pressing, he would assure me that he was not having sex with anyone, saying that sex is not on his mind right now, as his main focus is getting off suspension so he can go back to work. Recently, I saw him tagged in his ex’s profile pictures on FB and when I messaged him and asked why is he still tagged he never replied.
I recently told him that I want may loan repaid as soon as possible and he didn’t reply either. His method of dealing with me as of recent is ignoring me when I get upset then waiting for me to calm down and slowly crawl back. I am in an awful situation, but I don’t know why I keep going back to him. Please help me as I am emotionally dependent on this man. – Lost and Confused
Dear Ms. Lost and Confused,
**Blank stare at the computer screen**
I refuse to believe that you are a grown woman.
You can’t be.
What woman gives a FWB over $10,000!!!! Where they do that at?
Yeah, you are a little girl in a woman’s body. You are emotionally and mentally challenged because the –ish going on in this letter, and what you have allowed this man to get away with is unfathomable. Who the hell gives an able-bodied man money, especially over $10,000? There is no woman in her right mind that will give large amounts of money to a man and she is not his woman, and you’re just FWB. Ain’t no way I will believe a smart, intelligent, thinking woman with common sense would do this.
Honey, look here, if he can ask for money, then he can ask for a job. The hell you giving money to a man who by his own fault got suspended, and lost his job? You are not a bank. You are not a financial lending institution. You are not his woman, his wife, or his loan officer. STOP GIVING MONEY TO MEN.
You over there paying men to be with you. SMDH! Chile, you have given this man over $10,000, and he has the nerve to stop responding to you when you hit him up. Uhm, you better be a bill collector and call him up, send emails, go to his house, and collect your money! If he continues to ignore you and refuses to return your calls or pay you back, then you take him to small claims court and sue!
But, how he is treating you is nothing out of the ordinary. He has been ignoring since you started seeing one another. He didn’t want anything from you but sex. You were never ever in a relationship. You were never his woman, girlfriend, or even FWB. You were someone he could hit up when he needed a loan, some money.
What’s sad is that he told you from the beginning that he was a hoe. Uhm, why would you pursue a relationship with a man who openly and forthrightly tells you that he is a hoe? That was your cue to run. To not engage him. To chuck up the deuces and pursue other options.
Yet, you moved forward and then attempted to set up a FWB situation. But, hold up! When it was time to have sex all of a sudden you had a policy that you wanted to wait for three months? Girl, I can’t! Why tell someone you want to be FWB, but you are not going to have sex for three months? You didn’t want to be FWB, you really wanted to have a relationship. You really wanted a man. So, you sold yourself and bought this man to keep his attention.
You told on yourself when you said you were chipping in financially to help him, yet, he was seeing another woman, and because you felt you were giving him money and you had ownership in your position, you then demanded to be his girlfriend. Notice you had to ask him to be his woman, which means that you and he never were in a relationship. All that time going back and forth, yet, you had to ask him to make you his woman. You are clueless. The elevator clearly doesn’t to the top.
But, what’s sad is that when you went to tag him in some FB photos he made you un-tag him because “he wanted to keep his relationship with you private.” LMBAO! I can’t.
So, you believed him, and decided to remain being the hidden side chick, because that is what you were, and then this fool had the nerve to ask you for $7,000, and you give it to him?
You are real S-L-O-W.
You are a grown woman living at home, and you’re bragging that your mother is strict and won’t let you stay out late. HUH?
Let’s talk briefly about the fact that he took you to the same restaurant where he met you and your friend, Lee. He asked you to join him and his “cousin,” which was really the girl he was freaking at the time, and he had you to sit up there and watch them entertain one another while they both completely ignored you, and then he dropped you off at home. You are real S-L-O-W.
Yet, you went back for more. You wanted more torture. You wanted more attention. But, after another failed attempt at being FWB, you decided to go out and have a one-night stand and sleep with a random guy to get back at Phillip. Yeah, that was real smart. You are really bright.
Look, he’s told you from the beginning that he is a hoe. Believe him. He is sleeping with other women, and he has a girlfriend. You are not his girlfriend, and you are not his woman. You are not a woman he wants to be serious with, which is why he told you that he wanted to be friends. Stop obsessing over a guy who is not thinking about you other than to get money from you, and to take from you. Instead of giving him money you should have used that money to get your own place, and move out of your momma’s house. You are too old to be acting like this. These childish games are immature, and silly. The tic for tac you are playing with him, yet, he is winning and you continue to lose.
For now, work on getting your money from him. If he doesn’t respond by the end of the week, then go to small claims court and sue. Stop harassing him, stop calling him, stop sending him messages. He will call when he get the court notice in the mail. Just let him leave a message, and collect all his texts and voicemails because he will state he will pay you back. And, when it’s time to go to court you take all this evidence showing that he is agreeing to pay you back. – Terrance Dean
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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
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