Dear Bossip: We're Getting A Divorce, But Co-Parenting Isn't Working

Dear Bossip,

I’ll try and make this as short as possible. Five years ago, by complete chance, I met the man that would later become my husband and father of my child.

We were young, broke and crazy in love. We both knew without a doubt that we wanted to be together, and he knew with him gearing up to go into the military that he wanted me to be able to have every advantage as a wife and not just a girlfriend. So, we decided to get married, and we did.

From there on all hell broke loose and things were never the same. We fought, we argued, we conned, stole, hustled and schemed to eat. I went head to head in battles with his family, namely his mom, sister, and aunts. Things got bad, but no matter how bad they got we always seemed to find a way back to each other. We were all we had.

Somewhere in all this madness we became pregnant and welcomed a beautiful baby girl into the world. The fighting continued. The arguments with his family, and everything just kept getting worse. Then, he left for basic training. When he came home he wasn’t the same. He was getting money. No more dirty shoes and sharing foot long sandwiches at Subway. He was the man and I couldn’t tell him anything.

He cheated and we fought. He spent way too much money and we fought. I was no longer his partner, but rather the stay-at-home wife and mom who couldn’t give her opinion because I didn’t bring in an income. My place was to have our daughter on my hip and a vacuum in my hand!

Things got so bad that I self-medicated and spent almost every day drunk because that was the only way I could live in the house with this man. My fairy tale, my perfect, sweet, sensitive husband that I fell in love with was gone. At some point I had enough. I boxed up my home, packed up myself and my daughter and flew back home to my mom and family.

Fast forward to today. We’ve both filed for divorce, and, according to him I’m to blame for everything that went wrong. He’s been kicked out of the military and we are both back home with our moms. We fight constantly now. We can’t even do a simple drop-off without fighting or it almost coming to blows with me and someone in his family. I’ve tried doing everything I can to give him the respect as a father, even though he has not been present in our daughter’s life. I’ve tried to consider his feelings and what he wants and none of it works.

My question is how do we get pass all of this so we can co-parent and have a healthy situation for our daughter. I can’t very well keep him out of her life, but I’m tired of the fighting. – Ms. Tired Of Fighting

Dear Ms. Tired Of Fighting,

He went from zero to hundred back to zero, real quick (In my Drake voice).

Welp, that’s what happens when you come from nothing and you finally get something. Your a** don’t know how to act. You wanna ball all out because you getting a check. A steady check at that. So, all the things that you couldn’t afford or get while you were broke, all of a sudden you want them all. You want to prove you can get it, have it, and you deserve it. SMDH! That’s nothing but a broke man’s mentality. And, your soon-to-be ex-husband is experiencing that right now.

What happens is that when you finally start getting money, you want to spend money like you got it like that. Although, previously, when you had nothing, and you were struggling to make ends meet, and barely having enough to eat or buy anything, subconsciously and consciously, you tell yourself that you will never go back to that once you get a job and start getting money. You tell yourself that you will save money, stack up, buy a house, and then a car, and won’t splurge on unnecessary things. You tell yourself that you will stock your home with food, so that you will never be hungry again.

But, as soon as the money starts coming in, you can’t help yourself. You want to buy the newest jeans, or sneakers. You gotta have the new iPhone, and iPad. You eat out more because you can. You lease a car outside of your monthly budget because you are too good to drive a smaller more affordable car. Everything you said you would do goes out the window.

And, in the meantime, the very person who was there with you, the person who was down with you while you were broke and didn’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of is the very person you take it out on. You resent them. You turn your back on them. And, that is what he did to you. His come up gave him leverage over you because you were still at the same place where he wanted to leave.

But, I want you to notice that you have always had beef with his mother, aunts, and sisters. Why? What was it about? What were they feeding him or saying to him that kept you and his family at odds with one another? The tension was always there, and it still remains today, so, whatever was going on with them has now become a factor for him. Including his resentment toward you because you mentioned that he blames you for everything that is going wrong in his life. Therefore, it leads me to believe that his family members may have planted the seed that you were not good enough for him, and that you would bring him down. And, they probably feel you had the baby to trap him.

Look, it’s not worth it to fight, argue, and go head to head with folks who don’t like you, or don’t want you around. Now, you can have peace of mind, and move on with your life. No more arguing with the family because you don’t need to see them. You don’t need to communicate with them, and you don’t need to have any interaction with them. And, in regards to your daughter, then I recommend you go to court and get supervised visits. Why go back and forth with him and you two are not able to get along. Having supervised visits will eliminate all of this.

As far as you and your ex-husband goes, you can only be cordial to one another. You only need to communicate and work as co-parents for your child, and nothing else. You can get into therapy together, and see if that will resolve the underlying issue between you and he. And, you can also learn how to communicate better with one another. Why is so hostile toward you? Why are you so hostile toward him? What is it you feel he has not done, or could do differently? He probably feels the same way about you. Who knows, but in the meantime, the only thing you can do is work on being a better you. Work on loving you, healing, and letting go of the resentment toward him and his family. Obviously whatever issues they have with you is something they need to work on. Get your life in order, go back to school, begin working, and work toward your career goals. Don’t let them stop you, or their negative energy prevent you from doing you. Go after your dreams, and that will be the best revenge. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

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