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Dear Bossip,

I met my boyfriend in November and we have been together for almost 4 months. Everything started off very good.

We were communicating every day and all night, texting each other throughout the day, and spending time with each other here and there because of our work schedules and our children. He has two sons who are 3 and 4 years old, and I have a daughter who is 5 years old.

His father recently passed away on New Year’s Eve, which was extremely hard for him and it caused him to leave his apartment behind and move in with his mom. This is where all of the problems began.

We were communicating less, and now I see him once every week, if that. He says it’s because he’s taking care of his mom. Now, when we are on the phone I don’t hear him helping his mom, catering to his mom, or none of that. I’m starting to feel like it’s someone else in the picture and I don’t feel like I’m a priority at all. It’s getting to the point where now if I call him he doesn’t even answer like he used to. He will just call me back. Every time I ask to see him it’s, “Oh, I gotta stay here in the house with my mom.” Or, “I have the kids tonight.”

Now, from what I know he did tell me that his parents are very elderly. His mom is in her 70s. Now, my thing is he has 6 brothers and sisters. Why is it that you’re the only one helping? Why are none of your siblings helping out at all? I’ve told him on more than one occasion that I wasn’t happy and that maybe we should just take a break from one another because things aren’t getting any better it’s getting worse.

He insists that he’s going to do better and step it up a notch. Everything will get better for a week and a half, or so, and then it’s back to square one. It’s to the point where I don’t know what to do. I planned on ignoring him. I planned on telling him it’s just not working and moving forward. I also planned on just talking and dating other people, but I feel as though none of that is going to solve anything at all.

I know we have only been together for 4 months, but I truly feel like I finally found my soul mate after being single for 4 years. We talk and tell each other everything. We can talk for hours about a bunch of nothing, and when we are together it’s like we forget all of our problems and we are just happy. I’m trying to be an understanding girlfriend and be there for him. He says he’s still upset about his father passing, but he still didn’t even cry about it.

It’s getting to the point where I feel like he’s using that as an excuse, but I have to remind myself that everyone grieves differently. What do you think I should do? Should I just leave the relationship and move forward with my life, or stick around and be there for him? – Tired of Trying 

Dear Ms. Tired of Trying,

You’re selfish and self indulged. You’re inconsiderate and you don’t have any empathy. You’re too demanding, and you’re insensitive.

The so-called “problem” in your relationship didn’t begin when he his father died. The problem is you! Of course his communication with you would not be like it was before. His life has changed, and so has his schedule. He no longer lives alone. He is no longer the single man who had time on his hands. His life has changed because his family needs him. And, unfortunately, you don’t seem to see that. SMDH!

The man has just lost his father not more than two months ago, on New Year’s Eve, a holiday, and you want him to focus on you and make you a priority. I simply can’t! You obviously don’t know anything about grieving or losing a parent, especially around the holidays. You’re sitting up here talking about you know that people grieve differently, yet, you’re criticizing him for not crying. Uhm, everyone doesn’t grieve the same, nor will someone cry all the time. Grief happens for people in different ways, and it hits them at different times. Besides, you’re not with him 7 days a week, or 24 hours a day, so you don’t know if he’s crying at night when he’s alone, or when he’s driving in his car, or when he goes to the bathroom. You don’t know how he is handling his grief. So, your insensitive selfish ass needs a reality check.

He’s had to uproot his life to move in with his mother and take care of her in her elderly years. But, you’re judging his family, and being critical of his brothers and sisters who don’t step in and help. You don’t know the dynamics of their family and what’s going on. So, shut your mouth and keep your opinions to yourself. Not everyone’s family is close or tight knit. Not everyone’s family will pitch in and help, especially if they have families of their own, or if they are dealing with their own life issues, health problems, or challenges. So, since you don’t know why his other brothers and sisters are not helping, then, do not judge his family for what they are not doing.

Hell, you’re not being a sensitive, loving, caring, or concerned girlfriend. You’re so busy and preoccupied with your needs and wants, and you want him to drop everything and focus on you. Sweetie, sit your ass in the corner and chill. He has two small children, whom seem to visit on the weekends, and he’s taking care of his mother. He has a lot on his plate. You are not his priority. Get in line and slow your damn role.

And, hold the “F” up! Did you say that when you’re on the phone with him you don’t hear him catering to his mother, or helping her? You are truly a nut case. Please go and find someone else and leave this man alone.

Just because you’ve been single for the past 4 years, and you’re ready for a relationship and want someone to focus all their energy and time on you, then perhaps he is not the one for you. During this critical time in his life when he need someone to be compassionate, caring, and supportive, you are so focused on you and a relationship, then, yes, end it and move on. He is not the man for you. He can’t focus on you, grieve for his father who just passed two months ago, help and take care of his elderly mother, or even take care of his two small children on the weekends. Since he has other priorities in his life, then you should find someone who will have no problem making you a priority in their life, despite all of the above.

Oh, yeah, Ms. Honey, you and he have only been dating for four months. Four months! Four months and you are wanting and expecting all of this damn attention, time, and energy on you and he’s going through a major crisis in his life. Uhm, don’t be surprised if he has to narrow his life and truly focus on what’s important, then, please know you won’t be in the top three.

So, since you’re doing all this planning on what you’re going to do, then, how about you follow through with  them. Ignore him. End it. Move on and date other people. It’s obvious he’s not that much of a soul mate if you’re willing to throw in the towel and end a relationship because his father had the nerve to die forcing him to move in with his mother to help her and take care of her. How dare he uproot his life for them, and not focus on you and make you a priority. You’re his four-month girlfriend, and you don’t appreciate being ignored or made second or third to his family. Therefore, end it, and find someone who will have no problem making you the center of their life despite what obstacles, challenges, or problems life throws at them. They will ignore everything and focus on you because you will make everything alright. – Terrance Dean

Photo courtesy: Shutterstock

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

    

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