I am 23 years old and my boyfriend is 11 years older than me.
We have a great relationship, but there is a part of his life that really frustrates me. He has a child with another woman and although I knew this coming into the relationship I was not prepared for all the drama.
I have never had to deal with a situation like this before so I do not know how to handle this situation. We constantly have disagreements when it comes to his child and his child’s mother. It is important to know that his child’s mother and I do not get along nor do we understand each other.
In my opinion, we don’t understand each other because we come from two different worlds. I grew up in the suburbs and I have rarely been outside of my environment, whereas, she had grown up and still lives in the hood. I have recently graduated from college and she had two kids with two different baby fathers. She also does not work and has not worked for years. She just sits at home and collects checks from the government and child support.
Anyway, the problem comes in when my boyfriend and I are discussing the behavior of his child and I try to explain my point of view as to why the child is behaving this way. In my opinion, his child is behaving in the manner that she does because she is mimicking her mother. When I express this to my boyfriend he gets really upset and defensive. His baby mother continues to call for her own personal problems and I do not understand why she is calling him for her personal problems. When I ask him why he keeps allowing her to do so he says he has to because it all contributes to the well-fair of his child.
When we have to go to his family gatherings she is sometimes there for the sake of the child. When we are in the same room she would insert herself into conversations that my boyfriend and I are having with others and she comments on questions about him that are directed towards me.
In the end there are a lot of things that goes into this situation. I just want to know how do I handle this situation so that my relationship can succeed. – Frustrated
Dear Ms. Frustrated,
Welp, you are the girlfriend. You are not his wife. His child with his baby momma will always be his child, and his baby momma will always be in his life. Therefore, your opinions, thoughts, or judgments are not warranted, needed, or desired. You don’t have a say in how he treats his child, how he interacts with his baby momma, and, nor should you be dictating to him about what his child is doing. You are a girlfriend. You can be replaced.
You say you’ve never been in this situation and you don’t know how to handle it…..well, for starters you’re a girlfriend. You’re not the child’s mother, and, therefore your opinion and thoughts are mute. Why are you dictating to him about his child with another woman, and you’re his girlfriend? Stay in your lane, boo boo. You should not be discussing with him anything related to his child. Let him handle his child, raise his child with his child’s mother, and you sit back and be the girlfriend. That’s how you handle the situation.
Besides, he’s 11 years older than you and you’re a young college-educated woman. Why are you wrapped up in someone with baby momma drama anyway? You don’t have any children, so why are you trying to co-parent, or offer parenting advice to him and his situation? You should be hanging out and having fun and enjoying yourself with your own friends and not worried about some man’s baby momma, and how they are raising their child.
I don’t understand the fascination and the adoration you young women have with older men who have children and are dealing with baby mommas. Then, you get upset because he is giving his time and attention to his child and have to deal with his baby momma who is always around and a part of his life. Well, they did produce a child together. They have a history, and as long as they have a child, they will always be involved with each other. She will always be at the family gatherings and functions because of the child. She will always feel she has one over on you because of the child. She will always feel she can say and do whatever because she has his child. So, stay in your lane, don’t get mad and stop worrying about her and their child. This is what you are signing up for when you date a man with a baby momma. UGH!
Why take this on when you don’t necessarily have to? Why get invested in this situation? What is the benefit? You’re so busy focusing on her and why she lives in the hood, collects a government check, and acts ratchet, but you’re stooping down to her level? You’re allowing her to get under your skin and bother you, and you’re the one who has her panties in a bunch. Why do you care so much about her lifestyle? Why are you pitting yourself over her and trying to make yourself better than her? You both are, or have, been with the same man. Thus, what does that say about you?
And, why are you offering your opinion to him about his child? Why are you discussing his child with him, and what his child’s behavior should be? That is not your place. You are a girlfriend. Keep your thoughts, opinions, and judgments to yourself. Leave the parenting to him and his baby momma. That is their child.
You’re young. You have a life ahead of you and you should be focused on building your career. Why are you stressing over some woman you don’t know? Why are you getting wrapped in some man that you probably won’t be with in another year or two? He’s 11 years older than you, and I seriously doubt you will marry him, or this relationship will go any further considering he has a child with another woman and you sooooooo disapprove of her lifestyle and her lifestyle choices. If he laid down with her while she was in the hood, collecting checks, and being ratchet, then I seriously doubt he will get married at 34 years of age, and want to be tied down and having another family. He’s caught up in child support payments, and it sounds as if the child is young. So, he’s not ready to commit or take on another financial responsibility. He can’t handle it.
You either stay, be quiet about his child and his relationship with his baby momma, or you leave and find a man who doesn’t have any children or baby momma drama. If you stay, then know she will always be around. She will be at the family gatherings and events. She will always call with problems and issues. She will always find some reason to get to him and to get under your skin. And, it will get worse, and she will continue to find ways to get under your skin. You can save yourself the aggravation, drama, and stress and end it, and move on. That’s if you want your own sanity, freedom, and a relationship with no known interference. – Terrance Dean
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