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Dear Bossip,

I would really like to get a male’s perspective on this “friends with benefit” situation that I’ve been in for a while, about 6 years on and off.

I use the term, and specifically the word “friend” very loosely. We went to high school together and I had the BIGGEST crush on him then, but it wasn’t until about a year after that we hooked up.

He reached out via social media and things kind of went from there. Our relationship with each other has been nothing but sex, as that was the understanding that we’ve had from the beginning. We never text/talk on the phone unless we are arranging to meet up. At the beginning I wondered if it would ever lead to something more, but I was met with silence when I asked, so I let it go and never brought it up again.

Once I graduated college and had more personal time I wanted a more personal relationship. Due to our history I didn’t consider him an option, so I simply fell back and eventually he did too. Since we only ever arranged to meet for sex it wasn’t hard. He would hit me up and I’d say I can’t, or, if I was in a relationship I just didn’t respond at all. This was cool for a minute. However, only his ego felt some type of way, but now I don’t know.

I just had two back-to-back relationships which resulted in me not dealing with him in that manner (I still sent him texts for holidays/birthday) for a little over 2 years. He clearly felt some type of way about my absence because now that I’ve been contacting him (he’s my go to guy, ya know) he’s had a LOT to say, but only via text or strangely when he’s inside me. I’ve ignored this habit of his during our entire time spent together. I write it off as annoyance more so than an issue that needed to be addressed. But, this time around his subject matter has changed. His entire body language changes (he soften ups) and then he gets to asking why I stopped dealing with him, what does this “guy” have that he doesn’t, do I miss him, do I miss us, and things about how I use to let him come over whenever, but now it’s a problem, etc.

Mind you, I’m in no state to concentrate on anything other than the acts taking place, let along give a valid response when these questions are being asked. He’ll literally lock me into a position and stop to ask me these questions. I just tell him he’s trippin’ and that he should continue with the task at hand. He usually calls me a liar then goes quiet again.

I’ve attempted to gain clarity from my friends but they just say something along the lines of him wanting more from me. I strongly disagree with this. This guy has no shortage of women in his life, at least last time I checked, as I’ve since been deleted from his social media and he refuses to add me back (he says he has so many requests and forgets). Nothing about our relationship says that he wants to be with me and I have no romantic feelings for him. It’s kind of like great sex with a stranger that I’ve known since high school. Again, IDK, maybe you can add light to the situation. – Is It More Than FWB

Dear Ms. Is It More Than FWB,

He is only wanted to stake claim on you, your body, and your p***y. He wants to be the only man who gives you the “D” the way that he does, and he wants to hear you say it. What he is giving you is pillow talk, well, more so “sex talk” while doing the do.

Notice that you are his go-to guy. You are not his go-to woman. Thus, you keep going back to him getting what you need, but he isn’t running to you to get what he needs because like you mentioned he has a plethora of women that he is seeing at any given time. You’ve had two relationships, and then you put him on hold until those ended, yet, you continued to reach out to him via texts for holidays and his birthday, and once those relationships ended, guess what, you went right back to him and continued your FWB relationship. You went running back to him, while he was in the cut, chilling and doing him, and he wasn’t waiting on you, he simply put you back into rotation.

The fact that you texted him during holidays and his birthday shows that you want more. You are interested in maintaining a relationship with him. He knows this, and it feeds into his ego. So, when you come back and he has you locked into position, he wants to hear you say it. He wants you to proclaim your love for his “D.” He isn’t texting you or sending you messages while you’re in relationships, or just to check in on you. He’s made it clear what this was between you and he. You’re the one who is caught up, though you don’t want to admit it.

Ma’am, he asks you those questions while he’s inside you, and has you locked you into position because he’s claiming your na-na. He wants you to tell him how much you missed him and his “D.” He wants you to tell him that no other man compares to him. They have nothing more than him, and you that you were a bad girl. And, he wants to hear you say you missed him, and that “D.” He wants to hear you say that you missed him and that you won’t let it happen again. More importantly, he wants to hear you say that he can have your cooch anytime he wants. That it’s his, and only his. No other man can put it down like him. He wants you to boost and feed his ego.

So, no, he doesn’t want a relationship with you. He is not interested in making you his woman or claiming you as his girlfriend. Notice that you and he never text/call outside of your routine of making plans to hook up. He isn’t hitting you up while you are in a relationship with another man and proclaiming his love for you. He isn’t telling you how much he misses you and he wants to take your relationship further than FWB. Hell, he hasn’t taken you out to eat, to the movies, or any outings. If he was interested and he wanted something more, then he would make some effort in letting you know his intentions. He isn’t blowing up your phone, and he isn’t asking you to dump the other guys. He knows his lane, his position, and what you need from him. So, he is okay with being your go-to guy, your hook up buddy. And, he knows that he will always have you as one of his many women who come to him for some loving.

Therefore, if you want to boost his ego when he’s asking you a million questions, and you want to feed into his need to feel like he’s putting it down and that no other man can do you like he does, then play the game, and tell him what he wants to hear. If your heart and emotions are getting involved, then maybe you don’t need to keep him around as a FWB. It’s obvious you want something more, and you are hoping he does too. If you can’t handle the fact that you will never be his main girl, then, maybe it’s time to get out of this FWB situation, and just focus on you and not allow yourself to keep running back and forth to him. You’re sexually tied to him, and he has more of a hold on you than you do him. You’ll always keep him around because you don’t want to let him go, and the sex is something more for you because you’ve let your emotions get involved. His are not. He is very clear about what you mean to him, and your place with him. Again, if you can’t handle that, then it’s best to move on. – Terrance Dean



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