Dear Bossip: Why is He Discussing Our Problems With his Ex?

- By Bossip Staff

Dear Bossip, I’ve been with my man for about 2 years and I’m just now catching wind of something that has become a huge issue. Like, I said, we’ve been together for 2 years and like any other couple we’ve had out issues. I try my best to communicate with him when we have our problems and I make a point to listen and take his thoughts and feelings into consideration. We’ve been going back and forth about moving in together but I have my reservations about living with him before we’re at lease engaged. I’m 31 and have taken care of myself and I work hard to maintain my lifestyle. I don’t think that I should abandon everything I’ve worked so hard for just to say that I live with my boyfriend and my place is too small for the both of us. I’m just to old for a roommate situation if you know what I mean. Ever since we had that blow up about a month ago he’s been making little remarks that suggest I think I’m too good to live with him and catches little attitudes with me for no reason. I realize he could have any woman he wants and could convince plenty of them to do what he wants them to do…….including his ex who I believe isn’t over him. Me, not so much I’m no fool. I’m not budging. Lately I’ve noticed his ex has been calling him frequently and he’s been calling her too. Only to overhear a conversation when he thought I was sleep on the couch and she was saying things like “if she doesn’t make you happy then move on. She doesn’t know what she has. And baby I know you and that’s not like you to do this and that.” Then she said that I’m lucky to have him. I was so heated I got up and left and confronted him about it the next day only for him to say that she’s a part of his life and I’m going to have to find a way to be okay with it. I told him that I feel like if it’s that serious, then he should go be with her because I’m not with that at all. It’s been a week and I haven’t spoken to him since I told him to go be with her but I really have a problem with him discussing out problems with his ex girlfriend. What should I do?

Good day to you, sis! Thank you for writing in and sharing your story! So, yeah. It is never cool to disclose intimate details of your relationship with an ex. It’s a violation of privacy and, furthermore, violates the trust that you should have in your partner to confront you with any issue that should arise. Like, if you just have to seek an outsider’s opinion, talk to one of your boys or a family member, right? But the ex? That’s flagrantly foul and problematic in the grand scheme of things. She’s an ex for a reason! Not to say that communication has to be axed completely, but anything more than the occasional “hey! How are you? Glad you’re doing well” type conversation always causes trouble.

Sis, you are stronger than most to have turned him loose and suggest that he go be with his ex since “she’s a part of his life” that you’re just going to have to deal with. You did the right thing because, the way it sounds, they might have some unfinished business to handle since the both of them are seemingly having a hard time letting go of each other. Set him free so he can gain a better perspective on what he wants and you do that same. She can be a part of his life all he wants but not on your watch, ma! You certainly do not have the time to entertain such nonsense. And thank goodness he showed you everything you needed to see before you got in too deep with this man. Could you imagine how angry you’d be if you had buckled and moved in with this cat and he pulled this stunt after the fact? This was truly a blessing in disguise!

The fact that you haven’t communicated with him in a week should speak volumes to his dedication in making your relationship work. Sure, it’s more than likely painful but it’s miniscule in comparison to hurt you could’ve experienced if you had found out later … much later, like, post move-in. You’d be miserable, for sure! Seriously though, you asked what you should do and aside from what you’ve already done, you should take all the time and space you need to sort out your thoughts and feelings. Decide if this is something you’re willing to continue to invest your time and energy in. Make a decision, be firm and don’t waver! Take your time, sis! Take your time!

Bossip fam, what are your thoughts? Please share them below!

Please remember to e-mail all topic suggestions, feedback and questions to loveandrelationships@bossip.com!

More Stories From Bossip

Comments

  • shinefromw1th1n

    Forget him. If they don’t have kids, there is no reason for you to have to deal with her being apart of his life. Her feelings and maintaining a friendship with her is obviously more important than his relationship with you. I’m sure it hurts and I know it easier said than done but, let him be gone. He crossed the line when he began discussing any intimate details with her at all. It sounds like BOTH of them are not over eachother. And I’m sure she’s more than happy being his “savior” saving him from his “miserable” relationship with you. It’s not worth it.

    • Been there

      Forget him. Let him go. She will never leave him alone. My baby daddy has an ex that will not leave. We live in another state. She has a man that pays the bills. She doesn’t work. But if my kids’ dad moved home she’d drop everything to be with my kids’ dad. Their situation went on through years. Many girlfriends. Our family. Til he had a kid with her. He wanted her in his life. Permanently. Take a lesson. Drop the zero. Grab the hero. Or you will be hurt and angry frequently. And those conversations will continue with her. Let them have each other as my mother says.

    • Kyra

      My friends told me about — BlackwhiteCupid. C’ 0- M —–told It’s the best place to meet black white singles. Come in and stay a while. Complete your profile. Post a message, a picture of yourself and check out the photo galleries.

      Give it a try, you will find someone you like there… 😉
      @@@@

  • http://thisisnewstome.com lani3000

    hE’S NOT OVER HER, THATS WHY/

  • bouyant

    don’t move in with him, until he put a ring on it.engagement is ok. sometimes we need our space, but if you will spent the rest of your life together, then learning to share is good. but the ex thing, seem like it will be annoying, she doesn’t like you.jealousy maybe.if u love him fight for it.

    • Believe N You

      Unfortunately, “putting a ring on it” is only effective if you want everyone else to know your status.

      Having or giving a ring doesn’t always mean that a person changes their beliefs or selfish tendencies.

      When someone either SHOWS you or TELLS you who they think they are, BELIEVE THEM… because they generally will not change… ring or no ring.

      Walk away baby girl… the hurt will go away and you will attract someone that is ready for a ‘grown folks’ relationship.

      Much love…

  • Bunny(formerly Angel/UrHeiness)

    I mean,was he emotionally unavailable when she got with him to begin with tho? because that was a MAJOR mistake from jump if she did so now she must either deal with it or better yet,just drop him! After all,all this head/heart aches are soooooo unnecessary especially when they’re NOT married NOR have any kids.

  • that damn sh#$ disturber

    move on before you end up pregnant by this fool.

    • that damn sh#$ disturber

      at least this one seems to have more sense then most people. usually it’s the woman who wants to move in. if he’s pressuring like that and not even over his ex then basically he just needs someone to split the bills with.

    • Bunny(formerly Angel/UrHeiness)

      ^^^^basically^^^

  • keep it movin'

    You did the right thing. Cut him loose! Thats just disrespectful to you and your relationship. Anyways it sounds like this guy has extra baggage that he hasn’t put down yet and thats never good..

  • CAT EYES

    You can’t be serious–you need advice about a man that talks to his ex about YOUR problems??What does he have to do or say for you to get the hint?He loves her and always will…..

  • such and such

    run lady

  • SouthernGal

    Been there, done that….the only difference is that we WERE living together and he talked to all his ex-girlfriends and was still f***ing them. I think its very disrespectful to talk to her but at least he didnt try to hide it, so he may be good on that but most of the time theres more. I say leave before it gets too deep. I mean who knows how many ex-girlfriends he still talks to….

  • JustAshley

    Another dumb dude about to mess up what he has for an ex.

    Why do people get caught up in nostalgia so easily? He’ll get back with her and REGRET IT. SMH

  • msbliss

    ” It’s been a week and I haven’t spoken to him since I told him to go be with her but I really have a problem with him discussing out problems with his ex girlfriend. What should I do?”…baby u aint heard bac from him Cause he probably DID go bac 2 her! So why still be worried about him discussing yall PAST PROBLEMS? Ur not wit him anymore. Keep it movin hunni, let him have her since he says she has 2 be apart of his life.

  • Next

    I think you should call everyone he knows and ask them why he is doing you wrong. Then find him and his EX and beat his EX down for coming between the 2 of you. Profess your love for him and allow him to treat you like crap for the rest of your life. *sarcasm*

    Stupid Lady…Is that what you want to hear? SMH

  • Inn

    Ok

  • Jay the Real One

    Cut the brother some slack they just friends.

  • Jay the Real One

    …and dude being dumb there is a reason she his ex. And ex always tries to transform into back to what they did to catch you in the first.

  • sanriobaby =^.^=

    Speaking about your current love with an ex is a major no no! No matter how well meaning, and it usually isn’t, it proves that the person doesn’t understand, respect, nor care about your privacy and therefore isn’t mature enough to be in a serious adult relationship. In this case, his ex is certainly setting the building blocks to an affair, if only to have it over his current love. Some people really feel like they own you once they sleep with you and will make themselves available if and when they are needed. She needs to end things with this man. He’s already ripe to cheat-insecurity + opportunity= an affair waiting to happen.

  • The Ugly Truth

    Hunney,u aint heard from him for ONE WEEK?!! And ya’ll been 2getha for TWO YEARS?!!!

    He is over there DIGGING OUT his ex’s back.

    Men are selfish & her feeding his ego did not help. She knows wht she is doing. She is putting negative thoughts of YOU n2 his head.

    I dnt blame u, 2 yrs yall should b engaged. The possibility of marriage decreases each yr u stay with some1 with NO RING!

    If he misses his ex so much & she misses him, let them be. Whatever drove them apart will be a thorn in BOTH of their sides again.

    • Chief

      SAY IT AGAIN! IT WANT WORK AGAIN!

  • Tm30

    Leave him alone. Clearly he and his ex aren’t over each other. When you enter a new relationship, you should not discuss any aspect of that relationship with an ex, bottom line.

  • moi

    nah that sentence would have done it for me

    know you self worth , you aint know side line chick

    hes just going to make you bitter and lonely

    he needs to back to his ex
    you need to need to find a new man

  • Chocolat

    lol

  • Run girl run

    Girl I dated a guy who talked to his ex way too much. I told him it bothered me and months I found out he was hiding it from me. If it bothers you now, it will bother you later.

    For some reason he has not gotten over her yet. It’s also not healthy for you or your relationship. Make a clean break before marriage and kids come into play. It may sting a little now, but it will be punch in the gut later. Keep your head up sister.

  • not a fan not a hater im just a spectator

    he is discin ur relationship wit his ex cuz he is a bichasniqqa. ppl need to stop tellin their family and friends about what their man or girl is or aint doin cuz u tell them that ish when u mad and they stay mad long after u and ur partner worked it out.

  • Jay the Real One

    Let me see your papers.

  • DAYWALKER(THE DAYDREAM!!!)

    Maybe he doesn’t quite know how to tell you your puzzy STINKS… 😆 😈

    • Chief

      Grow up!

  • Sista Esq.

    The fact that he believes “you think you’re too good for him” belies some real self-esteem issues… not to mention the fact that he needs his simple-azz ex to continuously stroke his ego (that’s why he keeps her around; because you actually expect him to be a grown man)… he’s a child, and not ready to grow up or commit. Keep doing it for yourself sweetie.

1 2
blog comments powered by Disqus