Donald Trump is alive despite rumors of his death

Donald Trump’s health status was the talk of the internet late last week and over the Labor Day weekend. Theories, rumors, and allegations circulated the world wide web like a game of telephone, with millions of people speculating about why The Orange Man hadn’t been seen in so many days. The hashtag #TrumpDead was even trending on social media at one point.

Many were hopeful that the president had taken his final journey to the warm lower room, while others were indignant at the joy that people seemed to be taking in the prospect of Trump’s demise. You can probably figure out the political affiliation of both groups.

On Monday, news broke that there would be a White House press conference at 2 pm Tuesday afternoon. Without any hard details about the topic of this media scrum, suspicions about Trump’s health intensified online.

However, all the wondering came to an end at around 3 pm EST when Trump finally showed himself to be very alive and just as obnoxious as we know him to be.

This man called a press conference to announce that, wait for it…U.S. Space Command aka “Space Force” will relocate from Colorado to Huntsville, Alabama. Trump’s explanation of why this move is taking place highlights both his punitive logic but also his nonsensical decision-making.

Via POLITICO:

“The problem I have with Colorado, one of the big problems, they do mail-in voting,” he said during the announcement. “When a state is for mail-in voting, that means they want dishonest elections, because that’s what that means. So that played a big factor also.”

Ok. Sure, Jan.

Fox News’ senior medical analyst Dr. Marc Siegel, also appeared on Laura Ingraham’s wretched Fox News show to obsequiously tout Trump’s health in the face of pervasive rumors that his days on earth are numbered. Siegel went as far as to say that Trump is so healthy that people were “mesmerized” at how well he was able to read the teleprompter during the Tuesday presser.

As you can imagine, California Governor Gavin Newsom got a kick out of that.

There still hasn’t been an explanation about the dark bruises on his hands. Questions that need answers.