Me, and my man, “Vick,” have been together for three years. Our relationship has been good over the years.
We have been faithful to each other, you know, doing everything right. But, we have reached a disagreement. You see, I have a 3-year old son, (Vick is not my son’s father. We got together a couple of months after my son was born), and Vick wants a child with me. He has no children so this would be his first child. I want to get married before I have another child, but Vick wants to wait another 4 or 5 years before we get married.
This disagreement is really taking over our relationship. I’m supposed to be moving with him in June, and the way things are looking, we might not make it to June. So, how can I fix this issue because I really love Vick and I don’t want to lose him – I Want To Get Married First
Dear I Want To Get Married First,
Girl, I love how folks always want to play house, but don’t want to be the family unit that creates a household.
So let me get this straight. Vick wants you and your son from another man to move in with him, and he wants you to have another baby with him, but he doesn’t want to get married to you now? Look at that statement and let it soak inside your thick skull.
You’re good enough to lay around and have sex with, but he’s not willing to commit to you right now. Uhm, you need to tell Vick, “No, this is not how this works! If we are going to be a family, and you want me to have your child and all, then we need to get married before I have your baby.”
I am curious as to why Vick is willing to let you and your child, which is not his, move in with him. I am going to go out on a limb and say he probably really does love you and the child that is not his, and that it’s not based on a financial situation because he is taking care of you and another man’s child. I think that is commendable for any man to step in and care for a child that is not his. It shows he is a stand-up guy, and as long as he treats your child as his own, and not differently, Vick is a good guy. But ask yourself, why can’t he marry you now? What is his hold up? Have you asked him those questions? I mean, Ms. Honey, come on you’ve been dating for three years. He wants to wait another four or five years to marry you. It doesn’t take that long to know if you want to marry someone. I gather something else is going on and he’s not telling you what it is. And, girl, you’ve got a right to know before you start playing house. Because trust and believe, sweetie, once you move in he will have the whole cow and the milk.
You and Vick need to communicate. That means having an open dialogue about your relationship and where you both see it going. You have to have a plan. People jump into relationships and you look up and it’s three years later, as in your case, and then you want to know where are we going and what are we doing. Chile, folks be on two different pages, and at two different stages in their relationships because they don’t communicate. They assume a lot about their relationships. And, when you finally have a conversation you discover the two of you are at two different places. One wants to get married, and the other still wants to wait. Girl, miss me with that. But, at least he asked you to move in, but three years later!
Look, girl, if you have expressed to Vick that you don’t want to have another child out of wedlock, and that is a commitment you have made to yourself, then don’t do it. I always tell people do not compromise your values and morals for anyone. No person is worth it. You have to stay true to yourself and if Vick respects you and your ideas on marriage and family, then he will wait to have the baby, and ask you to marry him sooner rather than later. I tell you, some women have babies with men to prove their undying love, yet, right before the child is born, or as soon as the child is born the relationship ends. Not to say this will happen to you, but you did state, “I want to fix this situation because I really love him and don’t want to lose him.” Girl, don’t you go and get pregnant to remedy and try to save your relationship. Again, I say sit down and have a conversation and come to some compromise. Come up with a six-month, and one-year plan. You both need to be on the same page.
My suggestion, Ms. I Want To Get Married First, I say don’t move in with him. Wait. If he is the man for you he will wait and do the right thing. You know how the old folks say, “He will do the proper thing.” Don’t rush into something you are not ready to commit to, especially having another child out of wedlock. And, suppose he doesn’t marry you after you shacked up and had another child, then what?
Like Beyonce sang, “If you liked it, then you should of put a ring on it” – Terrance Dean
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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!