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Dear Bossip,

I’ve been friends with my friends with my homeboy Mike for about 5 years.

We share all our secrets and have our crazy jokes and weird sides of our personalities with each other. During this entire time we have been strictly friends not even thinking of moving beyond our wonderful brother/sister-like relationship. During these last 5 years we’ve been each other’s shoulder to lean on during the regular trials and tribulations of dating, like break-ups and make-ups.

Also, during this time there have been periods where we both were single, both in relationships, and where one is single and the other is coupled up. During this time I have met and hung with all of his girlfriends and he has done the same with any guys I was seriously dating at the time. Well, about 9 months ago Mike started dating this girl, Alicia, and things overall have been going well between them, minus a few minor bumps, but overall things are going well and he thinks she is the one.

Well, the issue I’m having with Mike is that he has not introduced me to Alicia yet. Despite my asking him on several occasions when am I going to get to meet. She knows all about me and the few times we were all supposed to meet he decided not to bring her. When I asked him why he didn’t bring her he always comes up with some excuse or tells me he needed to talk to me about something.

I know that not meeting me has also bothered Alicia because he recently revealed to me that she was upset with him because she feels like he’s hiding me from her. I don’t want her to think that there is something going on between us when there’s nothing going on. Him not wanting us to meet is just weird because me meeting a girl is usually one way I can tell he’s serious about a girl. My friends think he doesn’t want us to meet because he likes me and feel that if I meet Alicia she’ll be able to tell right away. My friends think I should call him out on it but I don’t think that’s the best route.

Up until now I didn’t give much thought about it, I figured that she and I would just meet eventually, but now I’m starting to wonder if there is some truth to what my friends are saying.  I just need some advice on how to handle the situation. Should I say something or should I just let it ride like I’ve been doing? Please help I’m just confused. – Confused As Hell In Cali

Dear Ms. Confused As Hell In Cali,

Welp, I personally think you have feelings for Mike, and there may be some feelings he has for you as well. Yes, you two are peas in a pod with your quirky personalities, crazy jokes, and secrets you share with one another. However, there is an underlying sexual tension at play and I think both of you are avoiding it, and calling each other ‘homeboy,’ and ‘homegirl.’ Yeah right, you’re homeboy and homegirl! (Giving both of you the side eye). Uhm, sweetie, cut the games and admit that you like Mike, and you often wonder if he likes you, but you keep it as friends so as not to ruin what you have. I know this trick and game. Many have been at this rodeo, and many have played their part in this play. “And, the academy award goes too…”

I don’t believe that it just dawned on you that in the 9 months Mike have been dating Alicia that you haven’t met her once. And, he’s your homeboy? Girl, don’t play. In 9 months you haven’t met her at least once? (SMDH) Uhm, sweetie you can play that dumb role all you want, but if he’s your boy, and you’re his girl, and he’s dating someone and feels she is the one, then you tell me why he hasn’t introduced her to you in the 9 months they’ve been seeing one another? You’ve met all his other girlfriends, but this one he is keeping from you. Please don’t play with me today.

Either, 1.) He doesn’t want you to ruin their relationship because he knows how critical you are and will say something negative about her. Yeah, perhaps you’ve ruined his past relationships and he’s decided not to introduce you for sake of saving something he really wants, and someone he’s really into. He doesn’t want to hear you tell him, “I don’t think she is right for you. You’re not feeling her.” Or, “You can do better than her. She’s not good enough for you.”

2.) Could he be hiding her from you! BOOM! BAM! POW! Maybe he doesn’t want you around her, and for you two to become friends and you spill all the beans about him. Perhaps he doesn’t want her to become tainted by you, and then you turn on him and sabotage his relationship. Maybe he wants something for himself and does not want to share it with you. Maybe he wants his relationship to grow into something, develop, and build.

Look, girl, the only way you’re going to get answers as to why Mike is hiding both of you from one another is to ask him. And, chile, y’all can’t be besties, or homeboy and homegirl. You’ve got to be lying about your friendship, and this closeness you two have with one another. You can talk about all your secrets, have these crazy jokes and quirky personalities, and you get one another like no other, yet, you’re afraid to ask him why he is keeping his girlfriend from you. HELLO!!! I’m not buying this.

If you want to know then I encourage you to be straight with him, and ask him. Don’t wait until you’re in person to have the conversation. Ask him while you’re speaking to him over the phone. Say to him, “Hey Mike, I’ve noticed I haven’t met your girlfriend and you’ve been with her for 9 months. The last few times we were supposed to meet up you didn’t bring her, and I feel disappointed by this. I truly love you and support you as a friend. And, I don’t want you to think I don’t want you to be happy. So, I want to know if you’re afraid I won’t like her, or she won’t like me. Or, is there something else. And, I want you to be completely honest with me.”

Open the conversation for dialogue, and don’t be judgmental or opinionated. Listen to what he has to say, and hopefully you’ll get the answers you need. And, it will give you the opportunity to really explore your friendship and why he’s keeping the both of you from one another. He’s doing it intentional, and I’m sure there is a very good reason as to why he is doing it. – Terrance Dean

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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!


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