Dear Bossip: My Ex's Girlfriend Is Violent & I Don't Want Our Child Near Her So I Gave Him An Ultimatum

Dear Bossip,

My child’s father and I were together for over 8 years. I met him while we were both stationed overseas in the Navy.

We have not been together for over 2 years. But, I’m not writing about why our relationship failed. We have a 5 year old son that we co-parent. We have learned that we are better as friends and have agreed that we will raise our son together.

One morning he texted me and told me, “Good morning,” and, “Have a good day.” This is common so I thought nothing of it. Later on that day he called me and told me not to respond to the text. When I asked him why he told me that he left his Ipad at one of the female’s house that he is currently seeing. We both have Iphones and Ipads, so with the Imessage being linked to the Ipad, it will send your text conversation to the Ipad. Seeing that he left the Ipad over to the female’s house, she was able to see what he texted me. He told me don’t reply to any text message I receive from him until he gets his Ipad. I told him that I did not reply to text message anyway. And, that was the end of the conversation.

Later on that night he called me and told me that him and the female got into an argument about him texting me good morning. He told me that she was chasing him around with a knife and a cinder block around the house in front of her 4 children. I told him that was unacceptable and that if he valued his life and wanted to see his son into manhood that he would need to stop seeing her. I feel that any person that you are in a relationship with, male or female, that will cause you bodily harm then you don’t need to be with them. He agreed and that was the end of the conversation.

That next night he called me and asked for a favor. He wanted me to talk to the female because she wanted to ask me something. I immediately told him NO! I told him that there is nothing that we needed to discuss. And I hung up. He called back later and asked to Facetime with our son. He talked to our son for a while and then asked to speak to me. While we were talking all of a sudden the female comes on speaker phone out of nowhere. I couldn’t believe it!! I was too upset. I felt that he set me up because he knew I would not talk to the female. Then she starts asking me about how much he texts me, and why she couldn’t come to our son’s party and a whole lot of other mess. I simply listened to her rant and rave about this and that. After she was done I told her in a calm voice that I don’t argue with people and that there was nothing for us to talk about. And, that I communicate with him for our child, just as I’m sure she talks with all of her 4 baby daddies. And, that what we talk about has nothing to do with her unless she is going to start helping out financial with our child. And with that I hung up the phone.

My question is this: After all of this I told him that if he was going to bring his mess with his females to me then he does not even need to call, or even to speak to our child. I don’t like drama and when it is brought to me I shut it down. I don’t deal with it. I have been told that I am wrong for telling him not to call or have him around her. And, I told him anyone that is threatening to kill him and chase him around with a knife then they don’t need to be around my child. I mean if she feels that it’s acceptable for her to do it in front of her children then that’s her. But, in front of mines, no, it will not go down like that. And, lord forbids there is a time that she actually kills him. Was I wrong for giving him the ultimatum of? It’s either her, or our son. – It’s Her Or Our Child

Dear Ms. It’s Her Or Our Child,

Ma’am! Ma’am! Ma’am! This right here! Yassss! I don’t blame you! You shut that –ish down quick, fast, and in a hurry! Werk momma! And, I feel like you, I don’t have time to sit around arguing with folks, nor divulging in drama or stress. Ain’t nobody dealing with all that –ish, and especially not when it involves your children. Hell to the naw!

So, yes, you did the right thing by telling your ex and his woman that what goes on between you and he has nothing to do with her, and particularly it has nothing to do with your child unless she is contributing financially to his well-being. Other than that, she needs to stay in her place and in her lane. There is no reason she needs to have conversations with you. For the hell what? What’s going on between he and her is between he and her and has nothing to do with you, just like your child and what goes on between you and he has nothing to do with her. She needs to learn how to stay in her place.

Also, she doesn’t need to be at your son’s party. Why? For what? It’s a child’s party for your son and his family. She is your ex’s girlfriend. She needs to slow her damn roll and your ex needs to make sure to put her in her place. She just wants to come and be in your business, and to meet you. And, she wants to flaunt herself around the party that she is in his life. Uhm, she can have several side chick seats on the sideline.

But, as you can see she is unstable and mentally and emotionally unhealthy. And, definitely when someone displays signs of being physically abusive, then it is time to go! Why would you want your child in that environment? If she will chase your ex around the house with a knife and cinder block in front of her children, then there is nothing to prevent her from doing something like that in front of your child. So, no, unless you arrange supervised visitations, then don’t leave your child with him and that woman. Who knows what she is capable of doing, and what will set her off. Yeah, you don’t play when it comes to your child, and she is threatening physical violence.

I don’t know if you have child support arranged, or how you are handling your visitations, but I strongly encourage you to arrange with the courts to have supervised visitations, and explain to the court what happened and why you feel your child will not be safe in her home, and why you don’t want your child left alone with them. That will resolve that matter.

And, your ex needs to get a handle on his home front and situation quick, fast, and in a hurry. This woman is going to do nothing but try to cause havoc and chaos in his and your life. And, I don’t blame you. Don’t get caught up in his drama and his mess. He’s trying to wrangle you in by having you talk with her to resolve the issues he’s created with her. Sorry, but, err uhm, he’s got to be a big boy and hold his own. You handled the situation classy and tactfully. You informed both he and her that you don’t engage in arguments and drama. You will not entertain her insecurities, nor his requests to appease her or his relationship. And, why would he even think it’s okay to call you up and talk with her? You are not in high school. You are grown folks. And, if she is that insecure about what he’s doing and who he’s texting, then perhaps she doesn’t need to be with him!

So, don’t get caught up in their mess. Explain to him how you won’t get involved, and for him to not involve you with their drama. You had a good arrangement up until then, and if he can’t handle that then you will get the courts involved, and the courts will help resolve it for you. Also, remain in communication with your ex about the best ways to have visitation because you want him to be involved in his child’s life, but you are not allowing your child to be with them, particularly her, alone. Unfortunately, you can’t control who he dates, but, you can work out some type of arrangement of how and the type of environment you feel is best suitable for your child to be exposed to. And, explain to him why you feel the way you do. I’m sure you can work something out. But, you are doing the right thing, and I commend you on being a grown woman and not engaging in your ex’s girlfriend silly and immature tactics. – Terrance Dean