Dear Bossip: He Wants Me To Be Intimately Exclusive, But He Can Date Other Women & He Asked Me For A Threesome

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Categories: Dear Bossip, Love and Relationships, News, Sex and Relationships

Asian woman grimacing

Dear Bossip,

I am in a very complicated situation. I am hurt, in love and I don’t put up with nonsense.

I have been dating a recently divorced man. We are going into our fifth month.  Everything was good until now!  He is a man who is polite and caring. He treats me good and he works a lot of hours. He works for the city. However, for the last 3 months the time we spend together has only been sex. He used to take me out until the second month. We have good communication.

However, I am very concerned about him. He is still hooked on his ex-wife. He still gives her everything. He pays for everything. She’s still on his health insurance, car insurance, bank accounts and who else knows what. They still talk on a regular basis. She wanted the divorce! I don’t know if he’s still seeing her. He told me if I didn’t give him sex that his ex-wife would. I was very pissed off and still am. They have no children together. Here I am in his life and I get spoken to like that?

Four months into our relationship he tells me that he wants to sleep with me exclusively, and date other women?  I was not going to let that happen. I’m sorry but that is the wrong thing to say so far into a relationship, even if we are dating.  He told me that we are dating and he can basically do what he wants.  But, that he only wants to sleep with me? I know the way a man thinks. If he’s attracted to a woman or the woman is just willing to give her snatch away he’s going to take it. You think I want to be with that after he slept with someone else?

He has told me about some of his past. He has slept with friends and they have moved on, and they are still good friends? That is so wacky, it is stupid! He has a 17-year old son from a former relationship.

He asked me to have a threesome with his male cousin. Whom of which is married and I had to find out by myself. And, he had threesomes in the past with his cousin. Then, he asked me to have a threesome with another woman. What the hell is wrong with this man?

Ninety percent of the time, I tell him where I am and tell him what I am doing. The three times I don’t pick up the phone I get lashed out at because I didn’t answer the phone. I was still mad at him. Then, he is rebellious and does the same thing to me.

I think he’s jealous that I went to college and earned my degrees. He rubbed it in my face twice. Me having degrees doesn’t make me any smarter than him. It just exposed me to different things. He can still go to college. Make something of himself. I even offered to help him write award-winning papers if he was serious about attending.

I don’t know his whole story and I am almost to the point where I am in love with him. We want to be together. And, I eventually want to be his girlfriend down the line. Into the fifth month we should have some other commitments to each other besides sex.

He should be honored to have a pretty, smart, well-educated woman that wants to be with him. I am going the extra mile to see what I can do to help him. I don’t ask him from anything. I have a child. I work two hard jobs. I went to two prestigious colleges, and have two degrees.  And, I want to be with him. We are in our late 30s.  I’m Asian and he’s from Trinidad.

Everything is all about him. When do I get to make decisions? I know I should leave him. I am tired of looking for a good man. I know the perfect one doesn’t exist.  And, he is who I want. How do I help him help me? – Weeping Woman

Dear Ms. Weeping Woman,

This foolishness right here. Whew! I couldn’t do anything but SMDH!

There are so many things wrong with this relationship, and your denial in it that I don’t know where to begin. But, first and foremost it is not complicated. He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t want you exclusively, and he doesn’t appreciate you or respect you. If he can sit up in your face and say to you that he wants to have sex with you exclusively, yet, continue to date other women, then he doesn’t respect you as a woman. And, for him to ask you to have a threesome with his male cousin, and also with another woman, then he doesn’t respect your body or identity as a woman. He only sees you as a piece of gush-gush to play in and use at his leisure.

If you know you are more than your gush-gush, and for some man to feel he can pass you around to someone else without any regard for your body, then I urge you to stand up for yourself, demand better, and end this relationship today. Because this man doesn’t value you, your identity, or your body.

I truly can’t believe that you have two degrees from two prestigious universities. Girl, what schools? Are they accredited? I’m going to start demanding that when you smart, educated, degreed women send in your letters that you send copies of your diplomas, and OFFICIAL copies of your transcripts.  Honey, you may have school knowledge, but you clearly don’t have the common sense to navigate your relationship, nor do you value yourself enough as a woman to demand better for yourself. This man is no good for you, and is only using you for sex. If the past three months have been nothing but you and he spending time together and it’s only about having sex, then at some point it should have dawned on you that you are nothing but a booty call. You are nothing more to him than some woman who is willing to give her snatch to a recently divorced man.

Ugh! Dating a recently divorced man is not wise or healthy. He has just come out of a marriage, and he is not in a space where he wants to date exclusively. And, for all you women out there, if any man has just come out of a long-term relationship I would strongly advise you to leave him alone. He is not going to wife you, make you his woman, or be faithful to you. He wants to play the field and sow his oats. So, trying to tie him down is a recipe for disaster.

But, hold on, this man is still communicating with his ex-wife on a daily basis, and they have no children together, and she is the one who asked for the divorce? And, she is STILL on his health insurance, car insurance, and bank accounts? Then, he threatened you with the line that if you didn’t have sex with him then his ex-wife would? Child, come on sweetie, don’t be blinded by the d**k. (Slowly lift his musty nut sac from over your eyes). But, hell, you are getting that Caribbean d**k, so I don’t know what type of hoodoo and roots he is putting on you. But, ma’am, HE IS STILL SLEEPING WITH HIS EX-WIFE. They are having sex on the regular, and whatever lies he has told you about her, don’t believe them. He cannot be trusted. Why? Well, because what need is there for them to still be communicating on a daily basis? Why is she still on all his accounts? And, why would he say his ex-wife will have sex with him if you won’t? What game is that? What tactic is he trying to pull? But, uhm, yeah, you keep thinking they are friends if you want to. But, he is banging out her snatch just like he is banging yours.

And, I want you to realize that you are something foreign and different for him. If this man is notoriously known for sleeping with his female friends, and he is having threesomes with his male cousin who is married, please note he is a hoe. He is not faithful. He is not to be trusted. He is trifling, low down, and cheating on you right now as we speak. And, that is the reason his wife left him because she found out about his philandering ways. So, get your head out of the clouds, and this hopeful wish of being his girlfriend. YOU WILL NOT BE HIS GIRLFRIEND, because he has told you that he wants you to have sex with him exclusively, yet, he can still date and see other women. The hell!!! I don’t understand you women who allow men to talk crazy –ish to you and you claim to be independent, strong, smart, intelligent, and “ain’t having it” women. You lose all sense of sensibilities once you’re d**k-matized. LOL!

And, then this man has the gall to say to you that he wants to have sex with you exclusively, but he can continue to date other women. You should have slapped the dog –ish out of him three times (Wop! Wop! Wop! Open hand, back hand, open hand). And, on top of it, he asks you to have a threesome with not only his male cousin, but also with another woman? WTF!

Please get out of this relationship. You cannot save him, fix him, make him better, or settle him down. He is not ready, nor willing to be committed to another woman. He is not interested in monogamy. He wants to do him, you, other women, and his ex-wife. Chile, tell that man to have several seats on the hoe track. Take your dignity, self-respect, self-worth, and identity of an embodied woman with the respect, intelligence, smarts, and wherewithal that you claim you have and drop this low life and rebuild yourself. You’re right that he should be honored to have someone like you, but he doesn’t know what honor is because if he did he would still be married to his wife because that is what marriage is all about, honoring one another in marriage. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com

Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean

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author terrance dean

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
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