Dear Bossip: Initially DNA Tests Said He Was Not The Father, But 13 Years Later The Test Says He Is

Dear Bossip,

Thirteen years ago I had a son. One of the greatest gift I’ve ever had in my life.

His father, whom I was in love with, went away to college. As a young mother and in order to gain health insurance through the state you have to put the father on child support which also requires a blood test to prove paternity.

To my utter shock, and, surprise, the test came back reading 0 percent chances he could be the father. He’s in Florida and I’m in California. What could I do but protest the results and of course the courts will say there’s no way this mistake was made.

So, fast forward 13 years later. I’ve graduated college, have a great job, and now I have the money to get a lawyer to prove what I’ve known for 13 years. So, first we locate the father and then we serve the papers and we have the test done in front of my attorneys. A full DNA test because quiet as it’s kept plenty of Americans has 2 sets of DNA.  Anyway, back on topic, the results come back and sure enough he’s the father. Although I’ve known this for years, I’m feeling so many emotions.

I’ve reached out to the father and told his father over the years that I didn’t want anything from him. I’d even sign a certified document saying I didn’t want child support once the results came back. None of that worked. My son doesn’t want a relationship, but he’s 13-years old and that could change any day.

But, should I just open the door now that his father wants a relationship? I always felt like he had something to do with the initial results coming out wrong. Although this is totally about my son should I just get out of the way now that it’s all on front street? I just need some neutral advice. – He Is The Father

Dear Ms. He Is The Father,

Girl, LMBAO! I can only imagine thirteen years ago you were up in the state offices filing the paperwork just knowing you were about to get some health insurance. And, then, BAM! The DNA test comes back stating HE IS NOT THE FATHER! Did you run and throw yourself on the floor and start rolling and screaming, “Nooooooooo!”

Anyway, I’m glad that despite it all you remained resilient and knew deep in your heart that this man was the father. And, through your commitment, and wherewithal, you got you some attorneys, did the DNA test in front of them, and finally got the answer you knew all along. He is the father of your 13-year old son. How sweet, beautiful, and wonderful. But, now what? Now that you know, and it’s all on “front street,” as you said, how does this impact the relationship between your son and his father?

Well, you stated that your son does not want a relationship, and that is understandable. He’s a teenager, who has spent the past 13 years without a father, so, he figures why start a relationship now. What is the point of trying to get to know a man who has not been a part of his life. He missed his growing up, first walk, first words, games, and other important moments a son needs his father in his life. He is probably feeling resentment, anger, and abandonment toward his father. And, this will affect him as he grows into a young man, and adult man.

My suggestion is to first seek a therapist and have them work with your son to reveal his feelings, emotions, and thoughts about his father, and what it means to him in knowing now who his father is. I am sure there are some things your son won’t share with you that he may feel more comfortable speaking with someone else. He may have some bottled up emotions, and feelings, and may not want to share them with you. Your son may be more apt to share with an outsider, and specialist who can work with him, and find positive ways for him to explore, share, and express his emotions and feelings.

And, it’s a good thing that the father wants to get to know his son and build a relationship. But, you should let them work it out. I understand you want to be the mediator, and coordinate this relationship, and have them be lovey-dovey and build a father/son relationship. But, it will take time. Lots of time. He is in Florida, and you’re in California. Travel, time, and other factors will play in this relationship. Will he commit to traveling to California? Will he let his son visit him in Florid? Does he have another family, and children? How will your son feel knowing that he possibly has brothers and sisters? If travel is an issue, can they Skype, or communicate via phone on a consistent basis? Are they both willing to commit to this?

Again, this has to be worked out between them. You have to allow them to figure out their relationship. You can’t force something to happen, or work. And, the last thing you would want to do is create hopes, and desires that you want for the relationship, and you project this onto your son. It will make him feel obligated to have a relationship only in order to make you happy, or appease you. And, if the relationship sours, they don’t connect, or it doesn’t go according to YOUR plan, your son will only feel more conflicted, more resentment, and anger. And, he will lash out on you and say that he didn’t want to start a relationship from the beginning, and he was only doing it because that’s what YOU wanted.

So, don’t force it. Let it work out and play out on its own. You and your son now know who his father is. The father knows. Let’s see if he will step up to the plate and really want to create a relationship with his son. Let him take the initiative and be proactive in coordinating the meeting and in speaking with his son. He can call. That doesn’t take much. If your son doesn’t want to speak, then don’t force him. His father can continue to show interest, and continue to try to develop a relationship, but your son has to be willing. And, hopefully he will come around if he sees his father being proactive, and taking the initiative to get to know him. And, if he sees that his father is being consistent, and persistent in calling, asking to Skype, and eventually setting up a face-to-face meeting. Please remain supportive of your son. Love him. Empower him. And, encourage him. But, don’t force him, or push him. Allow him to express himself, his emotions, his feelings and his desires. I’m sure your son will change his mind. He just needs time because this is all new for him. – Terrance Dean