I am a 20-year old black female. I have recently started dating this boy from Bangladesh.
He is really sweet and everything you could want in a boyfriend. He brings me flowers, takes me out, and always makes sure we are constantly communicating. We also work together.
Only thing wrong is that he is a virgin, and his parents don’t approve of our relationship. Meanwhile, my family loves him and always invites him to our family events. It hurts that I don’t get the same treatment from his family. I’m a good girl, too (in my opinion). I’m in college working and very respectful. I’m starting to think it’s a racial thing.
But, out of a sense of disapproval and his choice to wait until marriage to have sex, I had sexual relations with a girl. We started as friends. But, one day, late at night, we just kissed and ended up having sex. Only thing is that she didn’t return the favor of oral sex. She just kind of licked everywhere else. And, after she had her organism she just got up and left. Now, she barely texts me. And, I haven’t seen her since then. I get horny every time I think of her and can’t get her off my mind. But, I have a boyfriend who loves me who I betrayed. I feel I shouldn’t tell him because he honestly thinks I’m a virgin, (which I’m far from).
What do you think I should do? Follow my heart or my sexual sensation. I am young. – Gay or Horny
Dear Ms. Gay or Horny,
Whew! Girl, you got too much going on in this letter. But, let’s get you together real quick: A good girl you are not! Yes, that’s your opinion, but, err uhm, if you have a boyfriend, and you have sex with another girl, which means you are cheating on your boyfriend, then you are not a good girl. Then, he thinks you are a virgin, and in your own words you admitted that you are far from a virgin, which means you are deceiving him. Therefore, Ms. Hot Pocket, you are a liar, deceptive, and manipulative, and his family probably sees through your little “good girl” act, and that’s probably why they don’t approve of the relationship.
People can see through bull-ish, and you are bull-ish. Look, folks are not as stupid and dumb as you think they are. They can see when someone is lying, or being deceptive and manipulative. They just play dumb because they know you want them to think they are dumb. Ain’t nobody going for that act of you being a “good girl,” but you. So, people will treat you accordingly until you become real and honest.
Now, let’s address something else, and it’s when you mentioned at the bottom of your letter that your boyfriend loves you. And, that’s sweet that your little Bangladesh boyfriend gives your flowers, takes you out, and wants to wait until marriage to have sex. However, sweetie, nowhere in your letter do you ever mention that you love him! Hello!
You mention how he does all these things for you, which is wonderful and he sounds great, but, you don’t ever say if you love him, or if you even like him. So, just like the girl who used you for sex, and she just up and left you without even a word or remaining in communication, well, you may have been her exotic experience. So, are you using your Bangladesh boyfriend as your exotic experience?
We are all aware that in college it’s where many of us have “experimental” relationships. You date “others,” you do things you normally wouldn’t do, and you’re young and having a good time. College is where you get these experiences and you either grow from them, or you chalk it up as, “I did that. It’s not something I would do again, but it was an experience.” Now, ask yourself, do you really like or love your Bangladesh boyfriend, or is he something to do as your exotic experience? He’s not having sex until marriage, so, what are you going to do when you get horny, and need some ‘good good?’ Are you going to keep cheating while you wait on him and to get married? I seriously doubt you will wait on him to get married. The real question is how long are you going to do this and keep stringing him along acting as if you’re in a relationship?
That girl on girl action you had, well, she just used you as her experience, and she has moved on. And, so should you. She doesn’t respond to your texts, and you haven’t seen her again. Uhm, she doesn’t want to be bothered. It was just sex. She wasn’t looking for a relationship or commitment. You caught feelings, and now want to make it into something more. It’s not.
You want to know if this means you’re gay. Well, could you possibly be bisexual? Only you can determine your sexual identity. If you prefer girls over guys, then, yes, perhaps you are gay. If you like them equally the same, then, yes, you are bisexual. Look, Ms. Honey, you’re in school, which means you pay for services in your tuition which covers counseling by the school. I suggest you make an appointment and speak with someone about your feelings. Hopefully, they will help you get to the root of your desires and addressing your sexuality.
Next, regarding his parent’s not liking you, again, who knows why they don’t. It can be a culmination of things. But, let’s be real you are from two different backgrounds, cultures, and religions. Most cultures do not approve of their sons and daughters dating outside of their race, culture, and religion. And, perhaps they don’t want their son dating an American girl. You will never be privy to why they don’t invite you to their house, or why they don’t approve of the relationship. But, since you’ve never met them, and most likely never will, then just know that they will eventually talk him out of dating you, and ending the relationship.
Lastly, you want to know if you should tell your boyfriend about your indiscretions. Well, you’ve lied to him already by not telling him that you’re not a virgin. So, you are building up the lies, betrayal, and mistrust you have with him. Therefore, this is not a serious and committed relationship. You are selfish. You are a manipulator. And, you are deceptive. Now, if the shoe were on the other foot and your boyfriend did all of these things to you, ask yourself if you would stay with him? Would you ever trust him again if he lied to you, and cheated on you? It’s time you start being honest with yourself and stop lying to yourself about being a good girl. You lied, you cheated, and you betrayed you boyfriend. It’s time to grow up, clean up your act, begin the work of being truthful and honest, and stop using your boyfriend. And, seek out the LGBT center on campus, or off-campus and speak with a counselor about your sexual desires, and identity. – Terrance Dean
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