Dear Bossip: I Moved To Kentucky For My Job & I'm Not Having Any Luck In Love Or Dating

Dear Bossip,

I’m from Atlanta, but had to move to Louisville, KY for my job.

My problem is that after 7 years I find that the number of eligible black men is basically null and void here! Most of the black people are designated to the black area of town, which is flooded with crime! I know there are some good men here I just feel like I shouldn’t have to go to the “GHETTO” to get one!

I have no problem dating outside my race, but they seem to have a problem being seen with a person of color! So, I’m single, which isn’t a problem. I hate unnecessary drama. I know I’m not the only black female in this city with this problem. I just choose not to lower my standards. Standards? Yes, if I work, have transportation, and my own place to stay, why shouldn’t they? That’s not asking too much if I was in another state, but here that’s like asking for $10 million bucks. I must continue to live here for many more years, so any suggestions? I will be staying the course by myself but would prefer otherwise! – Looking For Love In A Hopeless Place

Dear Ms. Looking For Love In A Hopeless Place,

WOW! Your letter has so many blanket statements, judgments, and assertions about black men, black communities, and Louisville that I’m not at all surprised that you don’t have a man. It just tinges with anger, bitterness, and a self-righteous tone. No wonder you’re not finding any love. Your constant complaint will be the demise of any relationship you should happen to be in, “IF,” you should find one.

And, with your attitude, you’ll never find a man.  You’ll always have something to complain about even if you do find a good black man because you are stuck on what is not possible. If you don’t see what is possible, then no black man will be worth your time, standards, or righteousness. So, ma’am, get over yourself. It’s not cute. Really, it isn’t!

The city isn’t the problem. It’s actually you who has the problem. Your self-righteous indignation and your better than thou attitude is unbecoming, and unattractive, and I truly feel that if you did some self-inspection to get to the underlying root of your hostility and bitterness, then you will find that you are preventing yourself from being in a relationship.

But, let’s first address the lack of black eligible men in Louisville. I doubt seriously that there is a shortage of eligible black men. There may be a possibility of where you are looking. And, if you are looking in the “ghetto,” as you call it, for your prospects, then perhaps you should change your “ghetto” mentality!

There are many eligible men in the church, and many churches have a singles ministry, bible study, or other programs where you can meet other eligible persons. You will have to investigate your area, and surrounding communities for a church home. But, more importantly, I suggest finding a church because you truly need spiritual guidance, and spiritual leadership. Your character is a direct reflection of your spiritual depth. Therefore, work on your character, and reaffirming your spiritual well-being. Nurture your spirit. All other things will fall into place, including the man for you.

Next, many eligible black men are members of fraternities, and other professional social organizations. Generally, they host events, charities, volunteer opportunities, and parties that you can attend and expand your options in meeting eligible single black men. But, you can’t walk in the place with that scowl on your face, and expect to meet someone. Because if your letter is any indication of how you feel, then I’m sure when you enter a room you are wearing your feelings and disgust on your face, “There are no men in here. Ugh! I’m so over this. I’m tired of not meeting any good men. When will I find my prince? My own good black man.”  No one will approach you, or want to talk to you because what’s ugly on the inside will project the ugliness on the outside. BOOM! BAM! POW!

Also, have you thought about volunteering within the “ghetto” community, or lending your professional services as an expert in your field to help others? The very community you are resistant in going to, or being a part of need more men and women of color to go back and provide support and resources to improve their situation, or simply to share your experiences and encourage others. No, you won’t save the entire community, but your story, your resources, or your networks can change one individual. And, in the process, you will meet some golden nuggets in the very community you deem “ghetto.” There may be other eligible professional single men volunteering in the community. They may be tied to the very community in ways that you shun. But, until you get over your judgments and better thou mentally, you won’t experience that. Get over yourself! You’re really not that better!

Lastly, explore the city, get out, and do things out of your norm. Look through your local paper for weekly events, gatherings, and outings that are being hosted by various organizations, or clubs. Attend a book signing at the bookstore, go to a wine tasting, take up a course at your local community college, or university. Most colleges will allow you to audit a course for less than a hundred dollars. There are many black eligible men in school, or going back to school. Also, consider becoming a part of a professional organization, or become a member of the museum and other arts programs, volunteer at a library, church or hospital, attend social events out of your norm, and I’m not talking about the local bar or club scene, but attend humanitarian events, philanthropic events. If you want to meet someone more on “your level,” then you have to be where they are. Stop limiting your resources, and accessibility. If your only outlets are the mall, the bar, or the club, then of course your options will be limited. Small minds will only produce small outcomes.

You will only continue to attract and draw to you what you put out. And, until you change your mentality, your attitude, and your self-righteousness and “I’m better than you,” then you will always be alone. Whether you know it or not, but people can sense it, hear it, and see a bitter and angry woman because that’s all that comes out of your mouth when you speak, and it shows on your face. No one wants to be around someone who is constantly complaining, especially when you are constantly complaining about the lack of eligible black men. At some point you have to really assess the situation and see what part are you contributing to your dilemma, and how you may be a catalyst to your demise. At some point you have to realize that you are the common denominator to why you are single. – Terrance Dean