Dear Bossip: I Left My Husband & Met A Man Online & We Moved In, But It Ended Because He Didn’t Think I Was The One

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Categories: Love and Relationships, News, Sex and Relationships

black woman sad

Dear Bossip,

I have this situation that I can’t seem to get over. I’m married and I left my husband because we were constantly fighting and arguing.

After a few months, I met this man online. Everything was great at the beginning. We would talk for hours on the phone. He basically courted me. We ended up moving in with each other after just being together for a few months. Throughout the year we were together for the most part, and I thought we had a great relationship. (At least that’s what I thought)

Yes, we had our disagreements, but what couple doesn’t? But, then he would say things like, “You’re not the one.”  He would say he’s looking for something particular and I’m not it. I would pack my things and leave for a few days, but eventually we would end up working things out.

But, back in September 2013, we planned a family trip to Orlando with my son and his two kids. I didn’t go on the trip because my son ended up getting a cold and I just wasn’t comfortable bringing my kid to his parent’s house like that. Anyways that weekend we barely talked. He was due to come back on the Sunday of that weekend. Well, anyways that Sunday he sent me a text message saying, “I’m constantly looking for signs to tell me you’re the one and I’m not finding them.” I was very heart broken, so I packed up my stuff again and left. I went to stay with my family. I left because I honestly figured that if someone keeps telling you that you’re not the one eventually you just start doubting the relationship and yourself, and it just feels like it’s a waste of his time and mine.

Anyways, long story short, I had a few other issues going on that he knew about which could have potentially had some impact on our relationship. I was going through immigration issues because my residency was about to expire. I had my ex going through child support. I couldn’t help him pay the rent because I wasn’t making enough money which was the deal when I moved in. I mean when it rains it pours. I just had so many issues going on, and I didn’t know how to fix them even though I was trying.

Anyways, after I left we never talked about why he felt I wasn’t it for him. We never talked about anything as to why we broke up. Just nothing. I miss that man so much I wanted to talk to him so badly, but when I texted him that I missed him he said he didn’t know how to respond to that. So, I just let him be. I kind of figured he was done. But, then I looked on his Facebook page two weeks later and guess what? He’s with someone else! His queen, as he calls her (and she is beautiful). I felt like the walls were closing in on me. I was so frigid and upset. I mean how on God’s earth after talking about marrying me, you love me, you want a family with me, and you move on so fast?

Anyways, I had left some things at his house so I went over to get the rest of my stuff. All her clothes were there and I honestly lost it. I slapped him, I cursed him out, and just really made myself look stupid and feel even worse. Anyways, they are still together and it’s been about 4 months now. I know in my heart he’s moved on and I need to do the same, but God it hurts like hell. I wrote him a letter and apologized for my behavior. I wished him love happiness and success in the letter. I just miss him so much. I feel like if I could just get an email from him that said you know I’m sorry how things went down and I wish you all the best. Just anything. I would even welcome him cursing me out and telling me what a horrible person I am. Just say something. I know I’ll never get that, but I’m really hurting and I know he doesn’t care. What advice can you give me? Because I really just want to get over this man, whose clearly happy with his new love and clearly over me. – Trying To Move On

Dear Ms. Trying To Move,

Girl, let it go! Geesh! I swear some of you are gluttons for punishment. Ugh! Who has time for that?

Your previous marriage ended because of the fighting and argument, and because this man won’t fight and argue with you, then you are craving for someone to bash you, or play this tit for tat game with you. Everyone is not built or made for drama. Not everyone requires an all out brawl to end a relationship. The man told you on several occasions that he didn’t feel you were the one for him. You even mentioned in your letter that you left because if someone keeps telling you that, then, eventually you have to listen to them, end the relationship, and move on with your life. You can’t make someone like you or love you. Take heed to your own wisdom.

Because I’m clearly at a lost, and I’m not sure why you are stressing over this relationship. He doesn’t want to be with you. I mean, come on ma’am. You ended a marriage and months later you are moving in with another man you met online? Seriously?

But, let’s address an issue you discussed and I am not going to let that –ish slide: Your immigration status. So, are you mad and upset because your immigration residency is ending, and you are facing the possibility of having to leave the country. And, you were like, “Oh, -ish? What am I going to do? I need a plan.” Thus, since this man brought up marriage you figured this would be your lottery ticket to stay in the country by marrying another American citizen? Come on sweetie, don’t play coy. If you want to really call –ish out, then let’s call it out.

Is your first husband a marriage for arrangement? I mean let’s be real. Yes, you produced a child, but did you really love him, and want to be with him. Or, was he someone you used to stay in the country? I’m just asking. (Giving you the side eye). So, when it didn’t work out, and since you no longer have him as your passport, now, you are struggling to figure out what to do next. So, you went online, met this guy, and after a few months of “dating,” you two moved in together. Now, come on, Ms. Honey, that is a bit fast don’t you think? You shacking up with a man after a few months of meeting him online, AND, you just got out of your marriage? (Giving you the side eye) GIRL, BYE!

This man probably grew suspicious of you, and what you’re up to. That’s why he mentioned he didn’t feel a real connection with you. He kept looking for signs of true love, and someone to settle down with, but because he probably suspected you were looking for citizenship he was like, “Let me pump my brakes and slow this down. Let me see what she is really about.” And, once he went home and he shared with his family about your relationship I’m sure they were like, “What the hell is wrong with you? That woman is just using you.” But, I’m speculating.

Look, you have a lot going on. You have some emotional and mental challenges to deal with. You are hurting, have been hurt, angry, and always fighting. Look at your letter. You are fighting to stay in the country. You were fighting your ex-husband. You are fighting to get child support. Then, you were fighting you ex-boyfriend. You even went to his house and caused a fight. Now, you are fighting to get some response from him. Girl, stop fighting!!!!

It’s time to heal. Let go of the fight. He’s gone. He’s not coming back. He’s moved on. You should to. Get to the center of you, and figure out why you are constantly fighting. Who hurt you? Who made you feel unworthy? Who made you feel as if you had to fight all the time? Is it something you inherited from your mother, or parents in seeing them fight?

I know you’re angry and mad at the world about your circumstances and situation. You feel it’s not fair what you have to deal with. You’re angry and mad at the men in your life. You are hurting because you’ve been dealt an unfair hand. You don’t see or understand why this is happening to you. So, you strike out with your words, and fists. JUST STOP!

Life is not fair. It doesn’t work out all the time, and things happen to people. We have many lows, and, yes, when it rains it pours. But, life isn’t about what happens to you, but it’s how you respond to life when things happen to you. Pick yourself up, make plans, set goals, and take life on. Stand affirmed knowing this is temporary. You can get through it, and you can climb over it, out of it, and through it. But, be GOT DAMN! You will get make it through.

Ultimately, you’re not really upset that it’s over with him and you don’t have any closure from him. Ma’am, you saw the signs early on. Hell, you left him for that reason. You’re really upset because he thwarted your plans. He is another disruption in your life and you want him to take responsibility so you can say, “Yes, this is why life is not working out for me. He left me and used me like others have. He didn’t really love me. Life has been so unkind and unfair to me.” Until you are real and honest with yourself about your underlying plans, your underlying intentions, then you will continue to get what you are getting. It’s time to start loving yourself, taking responsibility for your own life, and grow up and face your challenges and issues. These are yours, so own them, and be accountable for them. I strongly encourage therapy to help you with this. It’s time to focus all your energy on you and your son. Stop running behind men, meeting them online, and moving in after a few months because you’re desperate. Your desperation is clouding your judgment. Stop. Breathe. Pray. Find your center. Find a church or spiritual community, and surround yourself with positive people. If you keep making rash and quick decisions to fix or remedy your situation, then you will always be in trouble. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com

Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean

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author terrance dean

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
Mogul   Hiding In Hip-Hop cover   Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

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