Dear Bossip: I’m In A Committed 9 Year Relationship, But I’m Sleeping With An Older Married Man That I Work With

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Categories: Love and Relationships, News, Sex and Relationships

black woman sitting by window

Dear Bossip,

Well, my dilemma is I am committing adultery with a married man. Hold on it gets better.

Not only am I being a jezebel, but I am also in a “committed” relationship. I have been with my boyfriend on and off for 8 going on 9 years now. I’m 22 years old, and my boyfriend is 24 years old. My married side piece is 39 years old.

My relationship with my boyfriend obviously has not been a piece of cake. I know real love takes hard work and determination and I was under no pretense that it would be a fairytale. My boyfriend and I have very strong-minded personalities when together. So, I believe that is what attributes to the on and off part of our relationship.

While I love him, there are times where I don’t want to be in his company, and I nitpick about the things he does. Sounds normal enough, right? Well, my boyfriend is a a**hole for a lack of a better word. No, he is not like an a**hole. Nor is it that he has tendencies of one. He is one completely through on through. That’s the bad side of him.

Over the years I have grown immune to it because that’s a part of his personality. You might wonder why I’m attracted to him and have been in a relationship so long with such an a**hole. Well, the answer is because he is my high school sweetheart. We have grown with each other. He has gotten to see the changes in me and vise versa. I do see myself marrying him and having children and the whole house, dog, and white picket fence dream.

He is the love of my life, but I’m cheating on him, with a married man, who has children, and he is 17 years my senior. And, his oldest child is 2 years younger than me. Yes, hella ratchet.

My married side piece denies he is married, but he wears a band on his left finger, so I’m not naive to his lies. He claims that his “wife” bought him the ring, but he never proposed to her and he never signed a marriage license. I don’t believe it, but it’s not my problem. What troubles me is that 1). I’m 2 years older than his oldest child. I feel like that’s high on my creep radar.

2). We work together. So, I’m all about keeping it on the hush, but he keeps finding ways to show me attention. And, I believe that some people are getting suspicious.

3). So far, I have been good at hiding my infidelity from my boyfriend, but I’m afraid of what will happen when I decided to end this messy side romance. My side piece knows where I live. And, he does give off the vibes of being a creep.

4). I know I’m dead wrong for cheating with a married man that is so much older, but honestly I didn’t find out about his true background until after the first time we did something. Before, he didn’t wear a ring and he was very secretive about his home life. I was originally under the impression that he was single and he had a child. I didn’t question it because I didn’t want to know more. Again, none of my business, but on the flip side I haven’t told him about my boyfriend. And, I don’t plan on it either. Like I said, he seems like a creep, so I definitely wouldn’t want him trying to blow up my spot because he’s butt hurt.

I know I’m a bit of a creep myself for being attracted to someone 17 years my senior, but in my defense he is gorgeous for his age. Like fine wine. Send me some advice. – Got Some Trouble

Dear Ms. Got Some Trouble,

Ratchet a** bird! Ugh! I can’t. I swear some of you young girls are trapped in the abysmal dark hole of ignorance, and stupidity. Basically, as my grandmother would say, “These fast tail girls who are hot in the pants.”

Let’s get something real clear. You are not in a committed relationship. You do not love your boyfriend, and he is not the love of your life. If he was, then you wouldn’t be cheating on him. I don’t care if he’s your high school sweetheart, and he’s an a**hole, and you’ve spent nearly 9 years off and on with him dealing with his a**hole ways. Despite the things you don’t like about him, and what you nitpick with him about, he does not deserve what you are doing to him. If you don’t want to be with him, then just leave. If you are tired of his a**hole ways, then leave. You don’t cheat!

You’re complaining about him, then you sit up here and say, “But, I’m immune to it.” Huh? And, then you go on to say we’ve grown on each other, and that he’s seen the changes in you and vice versa. Your dumba** obviously have not changed. You’ve gotten worse if you’re cheating on him. With your silly a**!

Now, for the class, what do you call a woman, or man, who is in a committed relationship, yet, steps out on their relationship and sleeps with someone they work with, and continues the affair despite knowing the person is married?

But, hold up, you then say that you can see yourself marrying him, having kids, the dog, and the white picket fence. Really? Really! You can barely stand being around him most times, and when –ish hits the fan, you feel that in order to resolve your issues it’s okay to cheat with someone you work with. Girl, I swear your common sense level is as bright as the donkey grazing on the side of the road.

Why are you cheating? What is it about this older man that you find appealing, other than he is fine like wine for his age? (Silly a** bird) Why do you feel you can’t talk with your boyfriend, and reconcile what is bothering you, or him? What are you lacking in your relationship that you feel you need to go outside of it and cheat? What are you getting out of this? You claim you know that relationships take hard work and determination, and you’re talking about marrying your boyfriend, yet, you’re cheating on him. So, what determination and hard work have you invested in resolving your issues and problems?

I do hope that your married side piece blows up your spot. I do hope that he rides over to your house and he and your boyfriend meet one another. I do hope your co-workers find out about your side piece and someone tells him about your boyfriend. I do hope that your boyfriend discovers you are cheating on him, and dumps your a**!

You are young, silly, childish, and immature. You don’t know anything about relationships, love, and respecting other people’s emotions, or feelings. You’re using your boyfriend to cover up your own insecurities, and your own faults of self-worthlessness. You don’t love yourself because if you did, then you wouldn’t be cheating on your boyfriend, and, you wouldn’t allow yourself to lay down with an older man and allow yourself to subjected as a side piece hoe. You don’t care about anyone else, and are using others for your own demise and destruction.

You’re only using the older man because you feel you can manipulate and deceive him to get what you want. You want attention. You want to be loved, wanted and needed. You want to escape into a world and hide from your problems and issues. You have low-self esteem, no self-worth, and you don’t respect yourself or your body.

You claim you didn’t know the older man was married, but now that you know you still continue the infidelity with a married man, and who happens to have children at home. Did you, or do you think about his wife, and his family and how this will affect them if they find out what’s going on? Do you care if you destroy this man’s home? Does it even bother you that you are sleeping with another woman’s husband? Lawd, lawd, lawd, I hope she finds out and comes up to the job whoop both of y’all a**es!

And, yes, he is low down and trifling for cheating on his wife, and sleeping around. But, you don’t have to be the one he is stepping out with, and spreading your legs wide for him.

My advice is that you end the side piece relationship. It is not going to fair well if it goes on longer. His wife is going to find out, and/or, your boyfriend is going to find out. And, it won’t be pretty. Besides, you don’t –ish where you sleep or work! Office romances are detrimental to the workplace, and to all involved.

Next, you come clean with your boyfriend and resolve your issues. Yes, tell him you’ve been cheating on him with a married man in the office, and why you’ve been doing it. What are you missing, and what you want at home? Why are you cheating, and what drove you to seek the bed of another man? You have to be honest with him and resolve your issues now before they get bigger and deeper, though they already are. Look, you can sit up here and claim you love him, and he’s your high school sweetheart, but in the end, we know you don’t love him, and you don’t want to be with him. If you did, then you would be working on your so-called committed relationship with him. If you have problems with his personality, and there is something you don’t like, then you discuss it, get into therapy, and work on your issues together. You don’t step outside of your relationship and cheat.

And, if you’re considering marrying him, and building a life with him, then you must know that there will be some trying moments, times, and challenges in your marriage. If you can’t handle them now while you’re dating, then you will do what you’re currently doing, and that is seeking solace in another man’s arms and bed. So, you’re not ready for marriage, and you’re not ready for the long haul. You’re only out for yourself and what you can get. Separate from your boyfriend and spend the time working on you, and getting yourself together. You need to resolve the issues you’re dealing with, and what’s really at the core of your cheating. If you don’t, then this mess is going to blow up in your face, and you’re going to be left alone, without either man, picking up the pieces. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think?

Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Deanloveandrelationships@bossip.com

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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

mogul8   Hiding In Hip-Hop cover   Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE! – See more at: http://bossip.com/939635/dear-bossip-hes-seems-like-a-wonderful-man-but-his-sexual-fetish-has-me-suspect-about-his-sexuality/#sthash.6lKtwpCP.dpuf
Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE! – See more at: http://bossip.com/939635/dear-bossip-hes-seems-like-a-wonderful-man-but-his-sexual-fetish-has-me-suspect-about-his-sexuality/#sthash.6lKtwpCP.dpuf
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