Dear Bossip: I'm Tired Of His Baby Momma Disrespecting Our Relationship, But He Won't Allow Me To Say Anything To Her

Dear Bossip,

I am currently in a serious relationship with a man I’ve loved since I was very young.

He is the man I plan to marry and also the father of my child. We have had a very rocky relationship, including lies and infidelity, but at this point I believe we finally have everything together. Except for one problem.

He has another child with a woman who DOES NOT RESPECT OUR RELATIONSHIP! She sends him explicit text messages regarding their old sex life and constantly tells him how much she loves him and how she’ll never let him go.

He swears up and down that he doesn’t have any remaining feelings for her and that what they had is dead. However, they dated off and on for several years and he even cheated on me with her so I find it hard to believe. He tries to make much more of an effort sometimes to prove to me he doesn’t care about her, including showing me her text messages as a way of being more open with me, but it still bothers me to the point where I feel like I can’t even be with him anymore. There are times where he’ll delete messages before I can see them and that naturally makes me more suspicious. He says it’s because he doesn’t want me getting upset with him for what she’s saying, but if he isn’t saying anything wrong then why would he hide them from me?

Another thing is he doesn’t want me to say anything to her because he feels like it would make it harder for him to see his child. And, not to be rude, because I understand that completely, but he never gets to see his child as it is because his baby mama doesn’t want their child around me. I don’t see what damage I could possibly add to the situation when it’s already as bad as it’s going to get.

So, I have to swallow her disrespecting me, my relationship, and my family (she has said numerous things about my child) and just act like nothing happens. Now, a lot of times my boyfriend does put her in her place and lets her know that he’s moved on and he’s happy and she can’t keep sending him messages like she does, but she still doesn’t stop!

How do I handle this? Am I over reacting? As I stated earlier, this is a woman he cheated on me with so it bothers me a lot when she does things like this. I’m not sure whether I’m right to feel the way I do or if I’m simply not being understanding. Not being able to say anything to this woman is also taking its toll on me because I feel like I have to sit back and allow her to blatantly disrespect me and my family. I literally feel as though she’s tearing us apart. Could you give me some advice? – The Angry Girlfriend

Dear Ms. Angry Girlfriend,

Leave him.

Move on with your life.

End the relationship.

Nothing is going to change, and it will get worse. He is still cheating with her, sleeping with her, and he enjoys the entertainment of having two women fight over him. Otherwise, if he was serious about you, and serious about your relationship and getting married, then he would handle his baby momma, and put her in her place real proper. If he serious about his love for you, and building a life with you then he’d nip all that in the bud and she wouldn’t be acting the way she is with him, and he would be more active in his child’s life. There wouldn’t be this back and forth between them because he would put his foot down and make it abundantly clear that if it has nothing to do with his child, then there is no reason she should call or text. He wouldn’t entertain her shenanigans, or entertain her.

But, the fact that he isn’t active in his child’s life, and he’s using that excuse with you that if you are rude to her, or disrespects her then she won’t allow him to see his child is some bull-ish! If he really wanted to be in his child’s life, then he would go to court and get child visitation, or shared custody if he was so interested in seeing his child. But, he isn’t. He wants to keep his relationship with her because she is convenient p***y, and he doesn’t want you interrupting his back-up plan.

Now, your man is sly and a slick one. He shows you her text messages, and gets a chuckle out of her behavior. He says, “Bae, look at this message she just sent me.” He is doing nothing but building up your trust in him so that you will never suspect him of cheating on you. I don’t care to see what text messages another chick is sending you, or what your baby momma has to say. I want to know what are you going to do about it, and how are you going to handle it. Stop playing this middle school game of showing you the text messages, and be a grown a** man and step up and be about his business of his relationship with you. This is not a game!

You can sit up there and be mad at her all you want, but he cheated on you with her before. Your anger should be with him. They had a child before you came into the picture, and she is not going anywhere. She and their child will always be in your life. So, it’s best to introduce the step-children, let them get to know one another, and have play dates, but, otherwise, your displaced anger toward her is only a result of his actions and behaviors.

Chile, I swear I will never understand why some of you women will be mad at the other woman who has his child, and he continues to sleep with her, or he cheats on you with her, and you are not mad at him, but get your panties in a bunch over her. You will continue a relationship with a man who steps out on your, lies to you, manipulates you, deceives you, but you won’t leave him. You will divert all your energy and anger toward the woman who has his child, and whom he stepped out and slept with. The dumbest –ish I’ve ever seen and heard.

And, girl, you really don’t know what he’s telling her. You don’t know what lies or bull-ish he is feeding her. Therefore, she is only responding to the lies he is feeding her. If he tells her that he loves her and he wants to be with her, or, you and he are not in a good place, and he is planning on breaking up with you, then of course she is going to believe him and fall for his game because just like you she has history with him, and she feels he is being honest with her. She feels deep in heart, just like you, that he will leave you for her. He will come back to her and they will be a family. SMDH!

Stop letting these men play both sides of the fence and play with your emotions and mentality. Stop letting them treat you like you’re not the number one woman in his life, and that you are a side chick.

And, he may very well not have any feelings for her. The fact that he slept with her while you were together doesn’t mean he loves her or wants to be with her. Sex has nothing to do with feelings. I keep telling you folks, especially some of you women, that sex for men has nothing to do with feelings, or emotions. It’s an act. Men don’t need to be all in love, or feel some connection, or be in like with you just to have sex. If a woman wants to give him some, he will do it without any emotional attachment. Sure, the emotions and feelings will come later, but it’s not always based on them. Some women need all the emotions and feelings in order to have sex. They need to feel desired, liked, loved, wanted, and needed. Again, sex is an act, not an emotion!

So, leave. Get out of the relationship. End it. Leave him. It is not going to change. Once you get married it will get worse. She is not going anywhere. They have a child together. He can delete her messages from here to Timbuktu, but they still have to remain in communication because of their child. If he isn’t willing to put his foot down, be a man, and be abundantly clear about his relationship with you, then why stay? If he doesn’t make an effort to see his child that he has with her, then he is not ever going to make an effort. And, the same will be for you when you end the relationship. You’re in love with a deadbeat dad, and you are supporting his deadbeat ways. Actually, you are supporting a deadbeat dad who continues to sleep with his baby momma, and the only reason he is active in your child’s life is because you probably live together. Otherwise, he would be doing the same thing he is doing with her. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!