Dear Bossip: I'm 15 Years Older Than Him & He Did Me Wrong, But He Says He Matured & Wants To Come Back

Dear Bossip,

First off, let me tell you that you have given me years of entertainment reading your posts.And, it took me a good minute before I decided to tell you my story, because I know I’m going get it, if you respond.

But, I’m ready and I’m really hoping you do because I’m now finding myself torn just like the “lost young women” who often write you.

Okay, here we go. March of 2013 I met a young man online and had a few dates. We hit it off real well, and, thus we embarked into a relationship. Now, let me outline the red flags:

1.  When I met him he was living with a girl, whom HE said he didn’t want to be with. Now, all of his actions for the most part showed that, but I want you to know the info.

2.  There is 15.5 years between us, me being older.

3.  He had a job, own place with furnishings and no car.

Shortly after meeting we decided to move in together (as a means to be together and cut two household expenses). Everything was good. My two kids liked him (kids were 21 and 13 years old) all was good.

He had plenty of women as “friends” he would speak too, but he was home 5-6 nights out of the week, so I wasn’t too concerned. Then, he started going out with his male friends, (mainly without me and no invite). He started to tell me that women my age shouldn’t be in the club that often, and as a young man he wanted someone who was done with that for the most part.

Well, a few times he didn’t come home till the next day, after me telling him that I wasn’t appreciative nor did I like that behavior. He proceeded to tell me he would stop. Well, it happened (not often), but still. We began to argue and I became physical in nature because I would allow him to take me out of my comfort zone.

Fast forward some and we moved to another state together and things got worse. He became physical, the going out increased, his staying out all night increased and conversations with women did too. We got kicked out of our apartment, and we lived in hotels. He ran up the bills in my name and all the while he blamed me for everything. He never took responsibility for his part.

While living in the new state (we had no family and no friends), I moved on and left him. I started dating and doing my own thing. He begged for us to get back together, get married, etc. I moved back to my home state and now he is in another state telling me he’s sorry. He realized that he lost a good thing and he was being immature and jealous of me and my “income status,” and he ruined our relationship. He tells me he loves me, and wants to marry me and swears that he’s sorry and learned his lesson (all in two months of being apart), and he is ready to be the man I need him to be.

I still love him and when speaking to him verbally he sounds very different. The arrogance is removed from his voice and he doesn’t sound like the “monster” he had turned into, (there is A WHOLE LOT MORE TO THE STORY, that I haven’t said that he did too me), but I’m trying to condense. Should I give him another chance? – Confused In Love

Dear Ms. Confused In Love,

Ma’am, you’re too damn old to be acting like this and playing these games. Grow the hell up and stop being an old bird. SMDH! Just d**k dumb!

So, what didn’t you learn the first time that you insist on repeating again? You are a grown a** woman with two children. What do you and this immature boy have in common? He is over 15 years younger than you. That is another generation, another family, another decade. So, what do you two have in common, or you two can possibly do other than you be his cougar momma, and he is your younger boy toy?!?

I don’t get it. I seriously don’t understand what is attractive about him, and what he is bringing to the table. You are nothing more than his momma, his caregiver. He wants you to take care of him while he continues to run the streets, play these games, sleep with other women, and come home to you and you feed him, bathe him, clothe him, and freak him. SMDH!

When you met him he was living with another woman. One thing I know for sure, how you meet them is how you lose them. And, you lost him the same way you met him. I’m sure he met some other woman/women and told them the same thing when he met you that he wasn’t happy in his situation, and he didn’t want to be with you. Therefore, they did just like you did in the beginning, and they let him stay at their homes, sleep in their beds, and they took care of him. He found another woman to be his cougar, his sugar momma.

Then, he starts hanging out with his male friends, did not invite you or include you, and he did not come home at night. Hmmm, where do you think he was and what he was doing? Seriously, what do you think he was up to? He didn’t invite you, or include you, thus, it means he didn’t want you around, or he was embarrassed of you, and he didn’t want to admit to his family and friends that he was banging an older woman and have everyone question him and your relationship. He kept you in the dark, at home, where no one would see you or know about you. Why would you want to be with a man who doesn’t invite you to meet his friends or family members?

Girl, for you to be as old as you are, wiser, and more mature you surely have let this young d**k fool you. He ran up the bills in your name, you got evicted out of your home, lived in hotels, cheated on you and, yet, you are entertaining the thought, the very idea of getting back into a relationship with him. Bwahahahahahaha. I guess young d**k is better than old d**k.

Obviously you didn’t learn anything, and you feel it’s time for round two of this madness. Sweetie, your relationship became worse when you moved to another state. He became physically abusive. The staying out increased, and so did the talking and hanging out with other women. But, hold up, this fool told you that women your age should not be up in the club, and as a young man he wanted someone who was done with that part. LMBAO! I can’t believe you actually fell for that line, and the bull-ish. It was okay for him to be up in the club, staying out all night, doing whatever the hell he wanted to do, but you had to stay in the house and be molly the maid and the happy homemaker. Yup, you’re stuck on stupid, and it’s written on your forehead.

Ma’am, he told you that he was jealous of you and your income status. He told you that he was immature, and knew he lost a good thing. Now, after two months, he wants to come running back home because he realizes that the cruel harsh world of being on his own is too much for him. He wants to come back home to momma, to a stable life, and a warm bed. He wants you to let him back into YOUR home, where YOU pay the bills, and where YOU have stability because he refuses to grow up, be a man, and become a responsible adult.

Therefore, he doesn’t love you. He loves what you have and what you have to offer. He loves what your bank account reflects, and that you have credit, and you take care of your responsibilities. He wants you to take care of him. You have two children, why take on a third?

All this nonsense he’s talking about that he loves you, wants to marry you, and get back together. Chile, miss me and that short yellow bus he’s riding. You will be a damn fool to climb on board that bus again and take that ride. Slow your hot tail down, and stop running after these young boys. You’ll find yourself living in your car the next time, and he will be running your ATM card buying Jordans, fitted hats, and bottles in the club. You need a man. A reliable, responsible, adult man who earns equally as much as you do, or more. You need a man who is smart, intelligent, spiritually wise and mature, and a man who is bringing something to the table instead of depleting you and taking from you. You need a man who has his own house, car, and who is paying his bills without needed or relying on a woman to put half on his bills, or using your car. He is not that man, and nor will he ever be.

And, what do you possibly love about him? He cheated on you, lied to you, had you living in hotels, ran up the bills in your name, he doesn’t make enough money, he’s jealous of you and your income status, and basically he can’t do anything for you but give you what’s between his legs.

It’s time for you to grow up, and stop being a cougar for these young boys. Girl, that young d**k will have you going crazy, and spending your retirement fund. You’re too old to be acting like this, and acting like you don’t have any damn sense. Stop taking his calls, entertaining him, and listening to his foolish lies and fables. He can’t, won’t, or even step up to the plate and be the man you want him to be. Move on, and focus on you. Go out, have fun, and enjoy yourself. You’ve been there and done that. He hasn’t changed, and going back to him will only be a repeat of what you’ve already experienced. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!