My boyfriend’s 17 year old daughter has been attempting to sabotage my relationship ever since we’ve been together.
Her mother is a convicted felon and is currently in jail. He is taking care of her and I do my part as his woman. I have always been encouraging toward her. I give her a lot of positive thoughts and opinions. Yet, she has continued to be rude and disrespectful towards me.
I have brought it to his attention and he has spoken to her in my presence, but she continues to be disrespectful. When she comes in the room she refuses to speak. I leave items at his house and she disturbs them, and then blatantly lies about it. She has even gone as far as tried to stop her dad from coming to my house by saying she was scared or didn’t want to be in the house alone.
She has attempted to slander my name throughout her family by telling family, members who would listen, how much she dislikes me. All in an attempt to have them jump on the band wagon, but she was unsuccessful at it.
The issue stems from her saying negative things about her father, and in his defense I said, “He’s doing the best he can do as a single father. If your mother had your best interest at heart she would not be in jail.” Personally he’s a great father to his children and she refuses to give him any credit because she looks up to her mother, who’s been in and out of jail since 1997.
Most recently she lied about bothering my items, so I politely told her if there is anything she would like to use of mine to ask, just don’t take it upon herself to bother my things. Of course she attempted to deny it, but it is rather obvious since the item was brand new. I’m at the point where I rarely want to be around him if she’s there. – Fed Up
Dear Ms. Fed Up,
I get it. I truly get it. You want him to choose between you or his daughter. Two people who are vying for his attention and fighting for their man. Yes, their man.
She’s a teenage girl who doesn’t want the new woman around. She’s territorial, and is doing what any normal teenage girl would do when a new woman comes into the picture and she is close with both her parents. As you said she looks up to her mother. That is the only woman she knows, and the only woman she feels her dad should be with. They have history together, regardless of her felonious lifestyle, she is still her mother. And, in her eyes, her mother is still her father’s girlfriend/woman.
You are an outsider intruding on her territory, her mother’s terrain. Therefore, she is acting out and trying to get you out of the picture. It’s normal. Young women who are raised by their father’s become “daddy’s girl,” and they have a special bond with their father’s. They are quite protective of their dads. Their dads are the first man they know and love. Therefore, you should be thankful and grateful her dad is in her life, and she sees her dad as a man she wants to protect.
I don’t think you should have retorted with your comment about her mother, and if her mother cared about her or had her best interest at heart then she would not be in jail. That was a low blow. She is a child and you are a grown woman. You don’t stoop to the level of a teenager to get one up on them, or to make them feel beneath you. Why are you going tit for tat with a young girl? You’re an adult in this situation. You have to maintain your authority as an adult, and not resort to being a nasty and mean teenage girl who’s jealous of another girl.
And, that is exactly what is going on. As I stated before, you two are fighting over his attention, time, and position in his life. You are his girlfriend and not his child. You’re not a surrogate mother, and neither are you his wife. So, you have no say, and should not be engaging his children as if you’re part of the family, or acting like his wife. Anything related to his children he should handle. Not you. At the same time, she is his daughter and not his woman or girlfriend. He has to remind her of that. Not you. He has to talk with his daughter and explain things to her about your relationship. He has to set the boundaries, and create the environment for everyone to know their role and position. He needs to explain to his daughter how things will not work out with her mother, and that you are not trying to replace her mother.
No, she should not be touching your things. No, she should not be talking to you like you’re one of her peers. No, she should not be discussing you with other family members, or disrespecting you and being rude. She is the child. And, again, he has to put her in check. Not you. That is not your role, and I find it appalling that you write, “I do my part as his woman.” You are not his wife, and you have no say when it comes to his children. That is probably why there is tension between you and his daughter. You’re coming in trying to act like you’re running things, or you’re saving her, and feel you’re doing a good thing by giving her positive thoughts and encouragement. Uhm, sweetie, she may not want to be saved, and who made you Superwoman of the save the little girls who’s momma is in jail campaign? Pump your brakes. Slow your roll, and stay in your lane.
If you have a problem with her touching your things, then don’t leave them over at his home. But, the other matter in regards to her being disrespectful, and rude, he needs to step in and remind her that she is a child. You don’t argue with a child. Let him handle his children. You have to build a support system with him, and let him know he’s in charge of this. Remember, you’re the girlfriend. – Terrance Dean
Photo courtesy: Shutterstock
Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: email@example.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!
Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!