Dear Bossip: I'm Attractive, I Have Four Degrees & A Great Career, But I Can't Find That One Guy

Dear Bossip,

I just read your response to “Dumb Educated Bird,” and it really touched me.

I can somewhat relate to her story! I’m an Ivy League alumni with four degrees and I’m making almost six figures as a 27 year old. My issue is that I’m in my 20s, not married, no kids, and live alone.

I am an attractive female, but I tend to attract men who I cannot relate with. I tend to attract very handsome BASIC men (e.g. high school dropouts, no college education, the unemployed, drug addicts, gangsters, baby daddies, minimum wage working men, etc), UGLY educated men, or non-black educated men. I also attract professional actors, athletes, and artists. I remain friends with some of these men because I know in my heart I will never be emotionally attached to them because I cannot relate to them and they’re just not my type.

I find myself VERY attracted to corporate black men because we share so much in common (e.g. work ethic, career goals, education, ambition, morals, etc). I met a couple, but they were either into non-black woman, “suspect,” married, or had a girlfriend. I haven’t been in a serious relationship in seven years and it’s starting to bother me. I just don’t want to settle for something less and end up like “Dumb Educated Bird.” What would be your advice? – Lonely Girl

Dear Ms. Lonely Girl,

This is perplexing, and I know the dating scene may seem daunting and cumbersome, however, I wonder if your standards may be too high, or, if you’re not willing to expand your dating horizons.

Granted, you deserve to have a man to match you on every level (e.g. work ethic, career goals, education, ambition, morals, etc.), however, what happens when a man doesn’t meet one of your requirements? Do you quickly throw him to the waste side because he’s lacking in one area? What if he doesn’t have four degrees, but have two? What if his career goals are not to be CEO, but he is content being a senior level manager? What if he doesn’t want to have children? What if he has all of the requirements but may be slightly overweight, not that attractive, or non-black? I think if you relax on your expectations that you will meet some really great men, and who knows what they may bring to the table. Yes, you deserve quality, and if they are quality men, then why discount them if he is blue collar worker?

You didn’t mention what city you lived in, and how you tend to meet these handsome BASIC men, but I wonder if it has something to do with where you’re socializing. I’m sure that a very attractive woman such as yourself with an Ivy League education, four degrees, making nearly six figures, with no kids, living alone, and not married must be socializing in the Hamptons, Martha’s Vineyard, or perhaps the Cayman Islands. I know the number of invitations you receive to high society events at various museums, Operas, charity balls, and black tie events surely must introduce you to some very handsome, smart, educated, career-oriented, ambitious, available corporate black men. (I’m being snarky).

These Hollywood movies are going to get some of you women in trouble. I swear you watch these movies and think that is how life really is. The beautiful executive woman meets a gorgeous handsome corporate man and fall in love and live happily ever after. Hold out for that if you want, and you will continue to find yourself alone.

So, here’s what you can do: All of those men you have as friends that you were not attracted to, well, I’m certain they have male friends. If you receive an invitation to hang out with any one of them and a group of his friends, then invite some of your girl friends and go hang out. It will open your access to the dating pool of men, and you never know who he may know, or who one of his friends may happen to bring with them.

Next, don’t discount non-black men. Keep your options open. Love doesn’t come in colors, so to eliminate a pool of available men based on color only limits you. Besides, there is nothing wrong with dating men of various races and ethnicities. Even if it doesn’t work out, if they are corporate men and very successful, then I’m certain they may have friends who are black. And, who knows what access he may have to available attractive black men. So, don’t limit yourself.

Then, I don’t know what’s wrong with the artists, athletes, and actors. Rapper Ludacris is dating an educated smart woman who is not in the industry. They seem to have a great relationship, and appear to be in love. Besides, I know most artists, athletes, and actors prefer to date someone who is not in their field. Now, some athletes, well, yeah, they love attention, and tend not to be monogamous. However, again, keep in mind that they have friends, especially if they are successful in their own careers. I’m sure they socialize and know of some successful, smart, and educated men who are available.

Finally, change your social scene. Expand your horizons, and attend more events where you are most likely to meet successful, corporate, educated men. I’m certain there are a plethora of men you can find at these events, and gatherings. There are plenty of smart, educated, and good looking men in various historically black fraternities, and they are active in the graduate chapters of these fraternities. And, I’m certain they host a number of events throughout the year in your city. Also, historically black sororities tend to host events, and many men attend these events as well. Check out these gatherings, parties, and events. And, I strongly suggest partnering and volunteering with corporate companies that are active in communities. Many men come out for these volunteer opportunities. And, finally, it’s time to attend some of the philanthropic and humanitarian events. These tend to bring out the elite, rich, educated, and society people. The man you seek may very well be in one of these places. But, it’s up to you to put yourself out there and open your horizons. – Terrance Dean