Dear Bossip: I Married My Husband Because Of His Bed Game, But 7 Years Later & I'm Over Him

Dear Bossip,

I have been married for almost 7 years and to this day, my husband who is 7 years my elder has never been the provider, nurturer or a true lover (We have that best friend love with benefits).

Honestly, I got hooked from his bed game, and I am a loyal person, so I was all in. As long as he was home everyday/every night, I never really required more. He had a job when we met. Well, in 2009 he lost his job and he didn’t seem too concerned. I worked and went to school full-time during this entire time, even paying for the house I owned to be remodeled. I would work all day, go to class and he would make me take the contractor home when I got there.

The entire time this went on he never seemed to care about working, just chilling and playing cards with his other out of work friends. It had gotten so bad, I would call him and he would go off because he was still sleep (this is around 11am – 1pm during the week) and I thought he should be looking for employment. I understood the economy was bad but not that bad!

Well, I decided to leave him because I felt I was just enabling him. He finally got a job before I left and I made sure he had somewhere to stay and I gave him a car to get back and forth to work. I left and he made me feel so guilty as a Christian and a wife. He challenged my faith (even though I can’t even get him to go to church on holidays) and played on my emotions.

Well, needless to say I went back almost a year ago and I feel like coming back was the worst mistake ever. He knows having a family is one of the most important things to me. We don’t have kids together, but I treat his like they are mine. He only treats mine like his when he was to discipline her. Don’t get me wrong, I love him but he does not give me the love, attention, support I feel I need from a husband or my daughter needs from a stepfather.

I recently graduated and what was supposed to be a great achievement in my life he ruined. He wanted to argue the entire time and everything that day was centered on what he wanted. My daughter (from a previous marriage, my-ex-husband is now deceased) was diagnosed with something very rare for her age and had to have surgery. During this time he was not there emotionally for me and he didn’t come to the hospital, and justified it by saying I was over reacting “it was ONLY outpatient surgery”. To me that was the last straw, I feel like things that a husband should do and want to do, he doesn’t. I don’t doubt he loves me, but I know he can’t love me the way I need because if he did you wouldn’t be getting this letter. Do you think I am wrong for wanting to leave; I am just tired of settling and know I deserve more. – Ms. Ready for True Love

Dear Ms. Ready For True Love,

Welp! Might I dare say that your husband is insensitive, unemotional, and unsupportive. And, quite honestly you sound as if you are the head of the household. Why? Well, according to your religious faith (you mentioned you are a Christian woman, and your husband doesn’t attend church) a man who is married and has a family should have a relationship with a spiritual higher power, thus, he can lead his family and build a strong spiritual foundation for his family. If your husband is not spiritual connected, then how can he lead you? If he has no spiritual foundation, then how can he act as the head, or act with spiritual knowledge and wisdom to make sure your family is rooted in a spiritual connection? How can you cleave to your husband when your husband is not cleaved to a spiritual source?

And, doesn’t your faith tradition mention something about being equally and unequally yoked?

See, you told on yourself from the very beginning of your letter. The only reason you were faithful and committed to your husband is because when you first started dating it was based on sex. You said that because of his bed game that you were hooked, and all in. You started playing wifey, and playing house. You started being loyal and faithful to him all because he gave you some good d**k. Well, hmmm, let’s see here, ma’am, you can’t base a relationship on sex. You can’t determine if a man is good for you, or loves you because of sex.

I keep telling you folks that sex is just that – sex. It is not love. It doesn’t mean someone loves you, or even likes you. Men, and animals have sex just like they breathe. Sex is not emotional. It’s a physical act. And, for many of you women who keep attaching emotional meaning to sex that it will only lead you down a destructive path of doing more harm to your own self than doing any good.

And, ma’am, you’ve spent seven years with a man all because of sex. You see why I keep saying that d**k is addictive. It’s a drug. It’s like crack, or any other dangerous drug. Once you get hooked on it, then you want more. You do crazy things for it, and make irrational decisions over it. And, because he is banging out your back, doing tricks, and tossing your body all over the bed you equate that with love, and you say, “YES! I’ve got to marry this man.” So, you get married, and then reality sets in. You look up and realize that you want more from him, like an emotional connection, loyalty, nurturing, support, and for him to be a true lover because you realize that the sex and the d**k is not feeding your emotions, and mentality. SMDH!

And, another thing, you stated that you didn’t require much from him other than he come home every day and every night.  So, why are you complaining if you didn’t require much from him? If you don’t require much, then don’t expect much. HELLO! The only requirement you desired was the d**k, and for him to blow out your back.

So, when –ish hits the fan in your marriage you’re ready to bail. You’re ready to throw in the towel because you realize that your needs are not being met. He is not the husband or man you want him to be. He won’t change despite your pleas, begging, and asking. And, this is where active communication, and talking with your husband/mate/partner becomes essential.

This is when you sit down and come up with an action plan for your marriage. What do you expect from each other? What do you want for your marriage? What do you want for your family? Share the support and love and nurturing your daughter needs, and what that looks like for you and her. Then you share what does love look like for you. And, he shares what love looks like for him. You learn that what love looks like for you is not the same as what is looks like for him. The aha moment hits you. You discover that he expresses his love through other ways such as in his actions, or the little things you tend to overlook. That’s when you express and share that you need support, nurturing, and physical, mental, and emotional love. And, you share what that looks like.

I strongly suggest marriage counseling. This will help you and him to sit together, and communicate honestly with one another. Share some of your deepest, and most intimate hopes, dreams, and desires. And, you will learn why he may seem insensitive, unsupportive, or unbothered. There could be something deeper that you’re not privy in knowing.

You’ve become disconnected, and quite honestly, you’ve always been disconnected because you can’t have an authentic relationship based on sex. So, now you have to find a way to make a connection with one another outside of sex. It may require starting over, and dating again. Doing date nights with just you and he. Going away on a vacation, and exploring one another again as if you’re a new couple getting to know one another. If you want this, then you’ve got to work at it. Relationships have their ups and downs, and marriage requires work. You didn’t mention that your husband was cheating, or stepping out of the marriage. He’s not abusive, and he’s not hanging out all times of the night, or being irresponsible. He’s just not into his emotions and feelings. So, work at this. Don’t throw in the towel until you’ve exhausted every avenue and resource. And, I strongly suggest that instead of demanding he goes to church with, simply extend an invitation. And, don’t attach meaning to it when he declines. He’s just not ready. But, one day, he may just say, “yes.” Especially after you begin re-working and rebuilding your marriage. All things are possible to those who believe. – Terrance Dean