Dear Bossip: His Ex Won't Leave Him & I Go Above And Beyond For Him Even Making Him Comfortable Financially

Dear Bossip,

We’ve been dating since 2011. I just turned 23 years old, and he’ll be 34 years old this year.

The relationship started off kind of dramatic. He was having issues with his ex-girlfriend and he said she was refusing to let go. I had my reservations, but when I was convinced that everything was clear she moved out of his place and we started dating.

We had a few “ex” issues, and he said she was just being clingy. For his birthday last year I flew over and gave him a surprise party (I’m down south, and he’s up north). I flew his cake in from the west because I wanted to give him the best. Well, when I got there I realized the “ex” got him a birthday cake. He said it was nothing. She came over the next morning, and spoke to him in his native dialect. I don’t know what they said but she left quickly.

They exchange calls and texts regularly. He said it’s nothing. That they’re just friends. A few weeks ago I flew over and his phone kept ringing past 11pm. He didn’t take the calls. Finally, I took his phone and called her up. It was the ex. Initially, she was shaky, then she starting showering insults on me. Shortly after, his older sister was calling (the older sister is always calling whenever he doesn’t take the ex’s call). He didn’t take his sister’s call, and said whatever the ex said to me I earned it by calling her up. I got really upset and left his place. It was past 1am. He did all he could to keep me from leaving though.

I got back down south and called him up to apologize for my attitude that night and the way I left. I told him if he wanted us to be together then he has to be a man about it. I told him that he needs to tell the ex she needs to stay away, and tell his sister to stay out of the relationship. I also asked him to decide where the relationship was headed because we’ve been dating about 2 years; he wants a committed dating relationship, that’s all. I want to settle down and have kids; I have a bachelor’s in law, and I’m 4 months away from being certified to practice. I mentioned applying for my masters, and he got upset that I’m always about my career and I don’t have time for him. Yet, all he wants is to remain a boyfriend.

He called me about 2 weeks ago and said if I could leave his house at that time of the night then it’s best we save ourselves the embarrassment of a repeat. So, he’s done with the relationship. I was hurt for a while, but I considered the relationship thus far and I feel like I’ve been putting in much more than I can afford. He works in construction and has not been paid since February. I’m part of a family business, so I help out when I can. I try to make him as comfortable as I can, but whenever we have issues he says I’m acting up because he’s broke.

I really do like him- yes, “like.” And, it’s because I’ve fallen out of love since January, and I miss him. But, I don’t know. It looks like I’ve been giving too much. I’m confused. – Do I Move On

Dear Ms. Do I Move On,

Uhm, how are you going to get a certificate to practice law in four months, yet, you only have a bachelor’s degree? Please explain that to me. Chile, SMDH! You sure you’re at an accredited university? (Side eyeing you)

Okay, you’ve been dating this man for two years, he works in construction, but he hasn’t been paid in six months, and you help him out when you can, take care him and make him comfortable, and he lives in another part of the country. So, let’s be real clear here: You are helping a man financially who doesn’t even live in the same state as you, and you’re making him comfortable to live in his own home. Sigh. Deep sigh. What am I doing wrong? Where do these men find you women?

Why are you taking care of a man financially, making him comfortable, paying his rent and bills, and you don’t even live there? WHY!?! What is the pay off? How are you benefitting from this relationship? What is he bringing to the table? What is he contributing to you emotionally, mentally, physically, and financially?

In what ways does he inspire you? Motivate you? Encourage you? Or, lift you up? He complains about you and your career, and advancing yourself. When you have issues in your relationship he says you’re acting up because he’s broke. Uhm, he is broke. The hell!

You stayed two years too damn long. Hell, two days too long. The moment you knew he was exiting his relationship with his ex, and it was dramatic, and she was still lingering and hanging around, that should have been your clue to exit stage left. You should have left his a** right where you met him, and stayed your a** in the south and kept doing you. But, you got caught up. In what, I don’t know. But, this is another case of being d**k-matized. A man can convince you to take care of him thousands of miles away, pay his bills, rent, and make his life comfortable, must be putting down serious pipe. My lawd! Where he at? LOL!

Ma’am you need to own up to the bull-ish you inherited. You admitted that the relationship started with drama, and, so dare I say it, you should have known it would have been nothing but drama, and would end in drama. I swear hindsight is 20/20, but foresight is a mofo! If you knowingly enter a relationship with drama, then it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out how things will potentially end up. I am a firm believer that if a relationship starts of rocky, filled with drama, issues, problems, and exes lingering in the background, then no way, no how, and no ma’am will I get into the relationship. Ain’t nobody got time for all that bull-ish! Those signs, clues, and insights are present for a reason. I’m not working through that –ish in the beginning of a relationship. Hell naw!

But, I’ll be damned if I fly some place and give a surprise party for my partner, and his/her ex shows up with a cake as well. Oh hell naw! And, then he says it’s nothing. The hell you mean it’s nothing. You flew your a** all the way to where he is to surprise him for his birthday, and his ex shows up with a cake. Yes! It is something. And, he should have handled it like a boss. And, since he didn’t, then you should have handled it like a boss! But, what I hate even more so is that they spoke to one another in their native dialect. Uhm, no. Stop all that foreign language conversation in my presence. You need to speak some damn English so I can know what the hell you’re saying. You don’t know what they were discussing. He could have been telling her to come back later, or he will meet up with her once you’re gone. SMDH! Right then and there you should have asked him what was being discussed, and why were they discussing it without you being privy to the conversation.

Then, his ex is calling him after 11pm at night. For what? Ma’am they are still freaking. They are still having sex, and you were the woman paying for the home for them to do it in. I don’t blame you, I would have called her up too. Hell, you were paying his cell phone bill. But, I love how he said to you that you got what you deserved by calling her back. I CAN’T! He is a true pimp. He is pimping you and her. WOW! Again, where he at? LOL!

And, all this texting and calling regularly has got to stop. If their relationship ended dramatically, and he is in a new relationship, then there should be no communication with his ex. There is no, “We’re just friends.” No, you’re not. You’re not friends. He knew she was clingy and attached to him, and she desperately wanted him back. So, no, they are not friends. You were the rebound chick, hell, you’re the chick to do while he figures out what his next move will be. And, he was deciding whether or not if he was going to give his ex another chance.

Never ever date a man or woman who has just come out of a relationship. It is bound for failure. They are not ready for another relationship so soon. They have not healed, moved on, and had any time to themselves. They need time to breath, be single, and rediscover themselves.

But, you’re the one who kept falling for the ole okey doke every time you confronted him about his ex, and he said, “It’s nothing.” I’m going to need for him to stop lying, and saying “It’s nothing.” It is something. Stop dismissing her behavior, your behavior, and what is really going on. She wants him back. He’s thinking about it. Hell, they are probably still sleeping together.

Be glad he exited your life. Be glad he is gone out of your life. Did you get your keys, furniture, and cable box, and phone when you left? Hell, you were paying for all that –ish, you should have taken it all when you left. I still can’t believe you were taking care of a man who didn’t even live in the same state as you. Hell, the fact you were taking care of a man. SMDH! You invested too much of yourself. You gave too much, financially, physically, emotionally, and mentally. It’s time to invest all of that energy, time, and focus onto you. Demand more and better of yourself, especially in your relationships, and especially a man. Don’t put in more and you’re not getting anything in return. Stop that –ish today! – Terrance Dean