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Dear Bossip,

I saw your posts and I don’t know how many men have e-mailed you about this issue but I thought I could pour out my soul to you.

I am a 25 year-old male who was in a deeply committed relationship with this woman named, “Samantha,” whom I loved for 5 years. After 3 years, during the course of our 5 year relationship, I found out she was secretly bi-sexual. It was a shocker to me! I thought we had no secrets. It felt like a piece was ripped from my heart.

Samantha has a lesbian best friend named “Erika,” and they had been kissing. I knew from the start Erika was uncomfortable with our relationship, but I felt that my bond with Samantha would try help us to get along and be civilized adults. Me and Samantha finally talked and tried to get some counseling to work through this, as a supporting man would. After a month of counseling, Samantha started to show up less and less. She eventually stopped coming. Then it led to no return phone calls, no e-mails, no shows for dates, and missed anniversaries. It was becoming frustrating.

One night I went to Samantha’s house because I was about to propose to her. I got the shock of my life.  When I got there I looked through the window and saw Samantha and Erika having sex! I knocked on the door and asked her to open up. They rushed to the bedroom so fast! So, Samantha comes rushing to the front door as if everything was OK, and I knew it wasn’t. So, I dropped the ring on the floor and in tears said, “Why me?” Her friend, Erika came out of the room and started pushing me around and telling me to get out. Erika screamed, “She doesn’t want a man. That’s why she’s here with me.”

Well, a year after that incident Samantha met with me for lunch. She went through this explanation of what happened and all this stuff. She told me she was a lesbian the entire time we were together, and that she was just using me because she was keeping a front for her parents. They thought we would end up getting married and having kids. Samantha claims that she still loves me, but I don’t understand how she could claim to love me. I feel so hurt about this.

I fear that if I try to date again they may end up being a lesbian or bi-sexual. I don’t want to be traumatized by this experience again. The most painful part of it all is that we had sex throughout our relationship so it began to sink deep for me!

I feel my existence as a man has become weakened. I would have understood if she told me during the course of our first year of dating, then I would have taken things slower, but I grew so in love with her from the first moment I saw her. I want to forgive her, but I don’t have it in me. I still am broken-hearted and unable to tell her how I feel about it all. It brings me to tears every time I think about it and I really need to find out if this chapter in my life can be closed or will time heal all wounds.

I have not been able to confide in anyone about this but I am sure you may have some solutions.

I am still in love with her….What do I do? – Broken Hearted & Hard to Forgive Her

Dear Broken-Hearted,

Ba-by! She did that! WOW! I see why and how people go postal in their relationships. Folks playing with other people’s emotions. Doing crazy –ish and using people. They will “F” around and do it to the wrong person.

And, I love how some lesbian women who want to act like a man, and will be all up in another man’s face pushing, shoving, and posturing talking about, “She don’t love you. She wants me.” That’s when you do a NeNe Leakes and bloop that bish in her face! Bloop Bloop! You want to act like a man, then you’ll get treated like a man.

Seriously, after reading your letter I can truly tell you I felt for you. You were dedicated and committed to this woman for five years, and she was using you all along. Damn! I know it’s hard, and how the pain of loving someone so much, so deep, and so hard, but it’s not reciprocated. Remember the song from R&B songstress, Brandy – Have You Ever.

She laid into those lyrics –

Have you ever found the one

You’ve dreamed of all of your life

You’d do just about anything to look into their eyes

Have you finally found the one you’ve given your heart to

Only to find that one won’t give their heart to you

Have you ever closed your eyes and

Dreamed that they were there

And all you can do is wait for the day when they will care

Look, you’re no less of man because of what she did. What she did only shows that she is less of a woman. Instead of giving you hope, acting like she was interested in you, and going through all of this pretending to be in a relationship, she should have just told you upfront that she wasn’t interested in men. She is callous, lowdown, and dirty. She had ample opportunity to tell you the truth, but she didn’t. Even when you went to counseling, she could have come clean. But, instead she wasted your time, and here you are pouring out your heart, talking about it, and remaining committed to the relationship. She is trifling, and a cold-hearted bish! Why do you want her in your life?

But, I want to understand this: You stated that after three years into your five year relationship you discovered Samantha was bi-sexual. What made you stay? She was kissing her best friend, who is a lesbian. Uhm, sir, why didn’t you get a clue and know that something wasn’t right then? Obviously her friend was jealous of you because Samantha was giving too much of her time to you. See, this right here. Chile, these folks and their lying, and playing games is just another reason to get stomped the hell out! That should have been the end of the relationship. But, was it your undying love? Or, the time you invested into the relationship? Or, were you hopeful you would be able to change her, and her mind?

I’ll tell you this, you can’t change folks. You can’t make them into the person you want them to be. One of the biggest mistakes folks make in relationships is falling in love with the potential in a person. Instead of looking at the person in front of you, the person you know who is not good for you, or the person who is clearly not relationship material, you look at who they can be, and will become. You fall in love with who you hope they will become. As I’ve said in my previous responses to people, when people tell you and show you who they are, believe them. And, Samantha revealed her true colors and you didn’t believe her. She stopped attending the counseling sessions. She stopped answering your calls, emails, and anniversaries. She was kissing her lesbian best friend. She didn’t reciprocate the love you were giving her. She demonstrated to you that she was not interested in salvaging her relationship. And, if she isn’t interested, then sir, you should have used some deductive reasoning and came to your senses because those were clear signs she was giving you.

And, I am not letting Samantha off, because she was dirty. That was lowdown how she used you as a cover for her family. And, then she introduced her lesbian lover under the guise as her “Best Friend.” That is truly deceptive and déclassé. What she did was silly, immature, and dangerous. You don’t play with people, and their emotions. Uhm, look here, sir, you say you still love her. HELLO!!! WAKE UP and get the cold out your eyes. Why do you want to be with someone who has no regard for you? Someone who will deceive and lie to you? Someone who will use you, toy with you and your feelings and emotions? I know it’s hard, and you were committed to her, and thought you would build a life with her, but she used you. She doesn’t care about you, and that is a hard pill to swallow. Samantha is clearly not someone you need or deserve in your life. You are much better than that.

Yes, I know it’s hard to forgive and move on, but you’re going to have to. Let her go. Move on. Stop obsession over what happened. It’s been over a year. You are allowing and giving Samantha power over you every time you think about, re-hash, and re-live the relationship. She has moved on, and I am certain she is not thinking about you. Forgive her and start living your life for you. More importantly, forgive yourself. You’ve loved and lost, now count it as a lesson learned. When you forgive you release the power the other person has over you, and it gives you the strength and courage to move on. Forgiveness frees you, uplifts you, and empowers you! Can I get an, amen?

Boy, it’s time for you to get back in the dating game. Get back out there and enjoy life. There’s no guarantee who you will meet, and what type of person they will be, however, you now have experience in your corner. And like, Miki Howard, sang, ‘Experience is a good teacher. She said her love is under new management, and so should yours. Reclaim your life. Reclaim your power. Reclaim your love. And, let me tell you something. You are no less the man you were before the relationship. In fact, you’re more of a man for having the courage to share your story and experience. Big ups to you! You can get over this. Trust me, you can! – Terrance Dean

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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!


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