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Dear Bossip,

Like everyone else who writes to you, I can’t believe I’m doing this. LOL! But, I am.

My fiancé got killed in 2010, and I was broken after that. We were only together for six months, but I’ve been in too many relationships to know that he was the one for me. Fast-forward a year and a half later and I meet this guy. And, everything about him reminded me of my fiancé. I felt as if he sent him to me.

When I met him he was working two jobs and very much into his children lives. Yes, children. He had four when I met him. And, yes I said had. Everything was beautiful the first 6 to 8 months. We moved in together because of financial reasons. All of a sudden he quit one of his jobs. Okay, I could live with that. He decided to confess to me that he is big time gambler. I thought he was joking until he gambled all his kids Christmas money. I still stuck around because he realized it was stupid and stopped. Well, that’s what I thought.

A year into our relationship he decided that he wanted to move out and break up with me. But, yet, he was always around or his kids were. He cheated on me with his baby moms and that broke me. He didn’t even tell me his daughter did. So, in the mist of me moving on he decided that he wanted to make things work, so we did.

In May of this year he told me that he just had a baby with his baby moms. I was irate. Why are you here, please leave! But, silly stupid me I stayed. I mean he should leave it’s my house! Now, I don’t trust him. I don’t even understand why we are still together. I tell him to leave and he says he is never leaving me. I told him I will move out of town and he said his mom works for National Grid (Power Company), so he will always find me.

But, I’m unhappy. There have been girls coming to my house, texting him, calling, etc. I know I should leave him, but how? He won’t go and I need him to. I’ve depended on him too much and I feel like I gave him power/control over me. I don’t want to be alone, but I am. I know what you’re gonna say, but it’s not that easy. I shouldn’t have to move out of state to get rid of him and I shouldn’t have to call the police. But, what do I do because I’m wasting my time with him. He is not the man I feel in love with and I can’t take this bull-ish of a relationship anymore. – Can’t Move

Dear Ms. Can’t Move,

I’m truly sorry to hear about your fiancé. What a tragedy! And, I’m sure you’re grieving, still. Yes, you haven’t gotten over him. You need to be in therapy to deal with his death speaking with someone to grieve this traumatic experience. You may not know it, or you may say you’re okay, but you’re not. You did the very thing I do not like to hear folks say when they lose someone they love. You said you met someone else and you felt that your fiancé sent him to you. NO HE DID NOT! Let’s be very clear about that.

Chile, you folks will sit up here and claim the Lord, or God, the universe, or your dead fiancé, boyfriend, or girlfriend sent someone to you. Well, if this is the person that was sent to you, then please explain why they are taking you through hell and high water? Why are you stressed, unhappy, and miserable in the relationship? Trust and believe the Lord, God, the universe, or your dead fiancé, boyfriend, or girlfriend will make it very clear when you meet that special someone. You both will know you’ve been sent into one another’s lives. You both will be clear, and intentional about the relationship. Not this, “I feel he was sent to me.” Girl, bye!

And, let’s address your fast a** moving in with men after six months of dating. Uhm, sweetie, you don’t know anyone that well to be moving in with them. The hell! But, this is a pattern for you. Notice that you did the very same thing with your ex fiancé. You moved in with him after six months. Why are you so desperate to move in with a man after only knowing him for a short period of time? You don’t know him! You have only met his representative. He is on his best behavior, and then once he moves in. BAM! You are blindsided, and confused by his cheating, infidelity, unwillingness to work, cook, clean, or contribute to the household.

What is it about you that need a man so bad that you will move him into YOUR home after only six months? Where is your self-esteem? What are you lacking in your life? What happened to you as a child with men, your father, or brothers? Were you abandoned? Did you not have any attachment to your father or brothers? You have to do introspective work on yourself to get to the root of your need to move so quickly with men and allow them to take over your life, and you lose control.

But, you said something that is disturbing. You said, “I don’t want to be alone, but I am.” That is the underlying statement of why you are in this situation. Because you felt you didn’t want to be alone, you jumped into the first relationship headfirst without thinking. He “appeared” to be a good man. He “appeared” to have his –ish together. But, he wasn’t! You were blind to despair, and grief. Your judgment was cloudy, and you refused to see the signs that were blinking and telling you this man was not good for you because YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE ALONE!

The signs to leave this relationship were very clear and present from the beginning. What man you know who has two jobs, yet, he has no place to live, or yet, he is living with some other woman, and you move him into YOUR home? What the hell? He should have his own home. He has two jobs, but, he moves in with you for financial reasons. Does that make any damn sense? Ugh, I swear desperation for d**k will make you do some crazy –ish. But, he moves in YOUR home, and then he quits one of his jobs. SMDH! I can see where this is going. And, you should have too. But, it gets better. He reveals he has gambling problem. Gambles away his children’s Christmas money, and he tells you he learned his lesson. Ma’am, gambling is an addiction. He is still gambling. But, you decide to stay with him. SMDH!

Then, he tells you the relationship is not working, and decides to move out. Where is he going? He ain’t got –ish! He can’t even get his own place. Where is he going? Oh yeah! He goes back to his baby momma. She gets pregnant, but he is still coming back to you, and your letting him come back. Still having sex with him, unprotected. Sharing community d**k. He realizes he doesn’t want to be with his baby momma, so he tells you he wants to come back to you and work things out. You let him back in. But, the infidelity continues. Women showing up at your house, texting, and calling. And, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Same ole story. And, here we are with you not knowing what to do, and how to get him out of YOUR house.

I can’t stand whining, and I don’t join pity parties. You have 24 hours to pull it together, because after that I’m going to snatch you right together. I’m not going to mope, and sing sad and, “I can’t get over him” songs with you. Your entire letter is about what someone has done to you. Well, what responsibility are you going to take for contributing to this? You invited him into your home. You let him stay even after knowing he was no good for you. You continued to have sex with him even knowing about his infidelities and cheating. What do you think I was going to say? You gon’ learn tuhday!

And, I love how you folks will say, “I know what you’re going to say, but it’s not that easy to just up and leave.” Why the hell not? Get you’re a** a plan, stick to the plan, and execute the plan. Leaving someone who abuses you, diminishes you, steals your joy and happiness, and chips away at your soul and well-being is not hard to leave. You just don’t want to leave. You’ve allowed yourself to get to this point, and you throw your hands up and get tired. No! That’s not how this happens or goes down. You get your feet planted, rooted, and firm, and then you round your shoulders, arch your back, and lift your head and pull this mofo –ish together!

So, the next time he leaves for work, or wherever he goes. Call your cousins, your brothers, or get some men, or hire some movers and move all his –ish out of YOUR house. Send all of it to his baby momma’s house. Change the locks on all the doors of YOUR home, and get yourself an alarm, a guard dog, and a permit for a CCW.  Then, change your number, and change your emails. Go to the police station and get a restraining order. Tell them you feel threatened by him, and you fear for your life. Reroute his mail to his baby momma’s house, change your pin on your ATM card, change your accounts, and anything else with his name on it.

And, who cares is his mother works for National Grid and he can find you. That is a man who is a stalker, and someone who has control issues. You tell him that you will report his mother for giving out private company information, and she will lose her damn job. If he wants to go tit for tat, then ma’am, you better win at this damn game! You put all this –ish on ice, and nip it in the bud!

It’s time you get a damn backbone and stop being so damn submissive, and defeated. Ugh! Put on your big girl panties, and if he wants to get down and dirty, then you stay three steps ahead of him. He can’t threaten you, make you feel weak, or feel defeated unless you relinquish all your power. STOP GIVING HIM YOUR POWER! Stop graveling. Stop whining. Stop mopping and shuffling your feet. GET IT TO GOT DAMN TOGETHER! – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com

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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
          
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