Dear Bossip: I Love My Husband But He Has Size and Performance Anxiety & I'm Not Satisfied

Dear Bossip,

My husband and I are having a serious sexual problem.

He told me when we met that he didn’t want our relationship to be just a sexual relationship. He also told me that he has Erectile Dysfunction. I said OK.

Well, months later as we got to know each other our relationship became sexual. It was me initiating sex because he never did. It was great. I asked him why he never initiated sex and he did once or twice. After that, NOTHING.

Two of the major problems are he has size and performance anxiety and he is addicted to XXX movies. I have tried time and time again to tell him that I enjoy having sex with him and it’s great, but it doesn’t help. And, I can’t compete with the XXX movies. I am by no way a prude, but he prefers the XXX movies and he refuses to get help with the other issue. I suggested Viagra and I have even looked for things that I might be able to buy over the counter for him. I don’t want to cheat, but I have needs. Nor do I want to leave him. What can I do? – Not Satisfied

Dear Ms. Not Satisfied,

Uhm, ma’am, look here, there are two things you won’t be able to fix and that is his size and his performance anxiety. If he got a small penis, then there is nothing you can do to make him feel adequate, or better about it. It simply is what it is. It’s not going to get bigger, and he may feel a way about his size. That is psychological, mental, and emotional. He has to work that out on his own, and I recommend that you encourage him to speak with a specialists, therapists, and psychologist about his feelings of inadequacy.

Now, you can work with him on the performance, and how to situate yourself such that both of you can get pleasure, and enjoy one another. However, if he is concerned about pleasuring you, again, this requires counseling, and for him to become comfortable with his own body, and figuring out ways to work that little monster. Hell, there are some men who may not be large or have lots of girth, but their performance in bed, and how they maneuver their bodies and get into various positions will make you think he’s working with an anaconda! LOL! So, I recommend working with him, exploring and finding positions that provide you both pleasure, and initiating spontaneous intimate moments.

But, I’m curious to know this: If before you got married your husband told you that he didn’t want your relationship to be just a sexual relationship, and he had Erectile Dysfunction, then, 1.) Did you go to counseling to discuss how important sex is to you and for you? 2.) Did you discuss the prospect of having children? 3.) You desire to have your needs met sexually, and you have a healthy sexual appetite, therefore, what did he mean by “not just a sexual relationship?”

I am seriously confused of why you decided to continue a relationship in which you knew from the beginning that your sexual needs may not be met by him. Therefore, marrying him would not resolve the issue, or fix him or make him want you even more sexually. If during the dating phase of your relationship you were the one initiating sex, and again, he told you from the beginning that he was not interested in just a sexual relationship and he had Erectile Dysfunction, then WHY would you ask him the dumb a** question of why he never initiated sex? He told you from the beginning how the relationship was going to play out. Ugh!

I swear some of you don’t listen, and will try to change someone into who you want them to be, and will continue trying to get what you want out of the relationship. Yet, you up and marry him, despite knowing all this information, and, knowing that physically, sexually, and emotionally this will potentially be a problem. Yes, I get it, you love him. He is your soul mate. He completes you. He makes you feel special. Your love will stand the test of time. However, he cannot, does not, and will not sexually satisfy you. (Side eyeing you).

Before you decided to walk down the aisle and get married, I want to know did you thoroughly investigate Erectile Dysfunction prior to marriage? Did you go with him to specialists, counseling, or seek out other methods to help you understand what this is, and how it affects men emotionally and mentally? I take it you didn’t because you mentioned that after you got married, and once you realized that your sex life wasn’t going to change, you started recommending Viagra, and over-the-counter meds.

Ma’am, again, he told you from the beginning how this was going to go down. Why didn’t you listen? That is probably what he wants to say to you, and how he is feeling. He is saying to himself, “I told this woman from the beginning that I was not interested in just a sexual relationship. I told her that I had Erectile Dysfunction. And, she knows how I like my nasty movies. So, why does she keep harassing me about sex? I thought she was okay with this.”

No, he shouldn’t have married you. He shouldn’t have committed to you if he wasn’t interested in a sexual relationship. Perhaps he figured you would be okay with your situation of a non-sexual marriage. Did you ever have that conversation with him? Did you talk with him about how often you both would like to have a sex a week, a month, a year? And, maybe that’s what you need to work out, and come to a compromise on. Figure out days of the week or month, and how often you would like to engage in sexual relations.

Lastly, and let’s be honest: He has Erectile Dysfunction and as a result he may need medical intervention to help him with his situation. And, many of those treatments, i.e., surgery, a pump, implants, and medications, may not be what your man desires to use. Because I am certain and sure that he researched these things and he decided for himself what he is not going to do, and what he is willing to do. And, despite you marrying him, and thinking you’re going to change him, or fix him, he is resigned to enjoying his sexual life with his XXX movies. That gives him pleasure and excitement.

Yes, it is F’d up that he prefers XXX movies, and, no, you can’t compete with them especially if he has an addiction to them. It’s sad that he refuses to get help because he has several issues, and they all revolve around sex, his performance, and his size. Therefore, it affects him mentally, emotionally, and physically. This requires treatment, therapy, and possibly medical intervention. You can’t fix this. Sorry. You can only support him, be there for him, and continue to help make him feel adequate, and let him know that you enjoy the sex and you’re satisfied. But, everything else is something he needs to work on. And, if he refuses to get help, seek therapy, or help to rectify the situation, and he continues to ignore you, your needs, and desires, then you may have to consider ending the marriage.  – Terrance Dean

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