My husband and I have been married 3 months, but we’ve been together 3 ½ years.
The thing is his ex-girlfriend lives in Atlanta, but she just keeps showing up at his momma’s house, which is right next door. When we had only been together a year she came here and he spent the night with her while we were living together. So, you can imagine how I feel when I see her. And, she just keeps showing up and staying at his momma’s house next door for weeks at a time.
Now, when I told my husband about it not being right, he says there’s nothing wrong with it because he doesn’t want her. My husband was just recently in the hospital and the family called her and she is coming to see him. I was upset that my husband thinks that it’s okay because he doesn’t want her. Am I crazy to be mad? The past is the past and they have no kids, so why can’t she leave it alone? – My Husband’s Ex
Dear Ms. My Husband’s Ex,
Chile, she shows up if she wants to, and she would get a rude awakening! You keep letting this –ish slide and being okay with it, but at some point you need to stop being so accommodating and flexible. Flex your muscles and fists on top of somebody’s face! (I’m not condoning violence, but, err, uhm)!
Ma’am, the problem is your husband. He is the one who is disrespecting you, and allowing his ex-girlfriend to have access in his life. He continues to give her privileges which she is not entitled. He has not told his family that it’s not okay to bring her up, and allow her to visit knowing he is a married man. He has chosen the woman he wants to be with, and whom he loves, so they should respect his marriage, and respect you. But, until you get him in check, and in order, he will continue to disrespect you, your marriage, and your relationship. He doesn’t see anything wrong with it because you don’t! BOOM! BAM! POW!
So, you can’t be mad at only her. They are both culpable in this. They both are doing some low down dirty –ish, and you need to get them right together. The hell is wrong with his a** allowing his ex-girlfriend to come visit and tells you there is nothing going on between them, and he doesn’t want her. Then why the hell does she keep showing up?
And, she needs to get her a damn man, and learn how to move the hell on. He’s married! She should respect you, your marriage, and stop hanging around like a damn buzzard. But, buzzard birds only do buzzard bird things. So, you can’t expect her to do better, be better, or know better. She’s a rat, and you need to treat her accordingly and begin the extermination process. She’s a gutter low-down dirty trifling a** hussy, (LOL! That’s my grandma’s word), and you’ve got to put your foot down, on her neck, and in her a**!
It’s time for you to get a backbone, stand up, and confront your husband about his ex. You’ve got tell your husband and make sure that he understands that his ex doesn’t need to come visit, call, write, text, email, send smoke signals, Morse Code, or send messages through the family. He is married. You are his wife. He needs to start acting like he is in a committed monogamous relationship. You are no longer going to put up with his antics, and bull-ish a** lines, “I don’t want her. She means nothing to me.” Then why is she visiting, and why is he staying the night with her? Oh no ma’am!
Look, you keep allowing this to go on, and they will continue to treat you as the doormat that you allow them to wipe their feet on. They disrespect you because you let them. Folks can only do to you what you allow them. And, if you keep letting them walk over you and on you, then they will keep walking over you and on you.
Lastly, I wonder if you and your husband have ever spoken or discussed what a marriage entails. Did you and he just get married and you figured he would fall in line with what you thought a marriage entails? Did you have some expectations of how he would be, or, if he would change once he got married? Because this woman has always been around. She was there the entire time you were dating for those 3 ½ years. So, why didn’t you nip that –ish in the bud then? Why didn’t you put your foot down then? Ma’am, you can play stupid, and act naïve all you want, but they were still creeping around and sleeping together, and probably are continuing to do so, because I’ll be damn if she came to visit the first year of you dating and he spent the night with her, and you lived with him. Oh, hell to the naw! And, you let that –ish slide! You didn’t say or do anything? You just figured she was going to go home and move on with her life, and you and he would move on with your lives?
The ex is not going to go anywhere because he doesn’t want her to go anywhere. He has her, and you as his wife, (well, you’re the wifey side chick). LMBAO! So, it’s time to set some boundaries, create some rules, and let him know how things are going to go moving forward. You have to communicate effectively how this bothers you, and makes you feel uncomfortable. Confront him and ask him if they are sleeping together, have slept together, or if he is interested in sleeping with her. Then, you need to find out if he has been communicating with her, what he’s telling her, what she’s saying to him, and why are they communicating! You demand that he ends this relationship with her immediately, let her know it’s over, and to stop acting as if she has girlfriend privileges. He needs to put her in her place, set the record straight, and focus on his marriage. If he can’t make these adjustments, then you let him know you will be making some adjustments of putting him out, collecting alimony, and moving on with your life. – Terrance Dean
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