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Dear Bossip,

I have been in an on again off again cycle with my boyfriend for almost three years.

Each time we try it again, we tell each other that we will pursue a friendship, but it always ends up going deep. He begins to buy me gifts, we take trips, and enjoy being with each other. Then, once we get serious, he stops everything. No gifts or any attention like before. It’s like we reach a plateau, or a place where we feel like we can’t be without each other and then we fall apart.

We fall apart for numerous reasons: He claims he works overtime on the weekends and I can only get in touch with him when he calls back. He waits days before he bothers to come by or make plans with me as if he can’t just come by and relax with me. He deceives me into thinking he’s doing one thing until he gets upset and his truth changes. Prior to this he even had a woman staying in his house after he gave me the keys! He didn’t even give me the heads up. As crazy as it sounds, I tried to move past it.

When I try to resolve these issues with him, he goes missing and then pops back up. He confesses his love for me and that he is trying to get things right and that my attitude is lousy. I try to remind him that I only have an attitude when he isn’t being reliable or honest. Sometimes, I just wish he can take the blame for his inconsistencies so we can move forward, but he doesn’t.

Recently, he and I were discussing marriage, picking out rings and making plans on trying to get things together, until he got upset with me and said he was done. Now, he is back confessing his love once again, admitting his wrongdoing in the situation and asking me to accept him back. He continues to let me know we have things to work on, but our relationship was good and that he wants me to be his wife.

I really do enjoy being with this man, but we’re always in a hole because of his lack of respect for our relationship. I don’t know how to get through to him. I really need your advice. I don’t want to stay in this cycle with him. I really want us to get it right or leave each other alone. What’s your take on this situation? It is reasonable to think that this man will change or should I just leave it alone? Please help me!! – Don’t Know What To Do

Dear Ms. Don’t Know What To Do,

My take is that you have low self-esteem. You are desperate for a man. And, you lack the will or power to take your life into your hands and move on from this a**hole. He is not good for you. And, you refuse to believe what is so plainly obvious, and evident.

What’s even more sad is that this man gave you keys to his house, but had another woman staying there. And, you said that he didn’t give you the courtesy and heads up about her, but you tried to move past it. Uhm, a heads up!?! Are you serious? A damn heads up! LMBAO. Girl, I can’t. And, what is there to move past? He had another woman living in his house and didn’t even tell you! HELLO!!?!?! Ma’am, he doesn’t respect you or your relationship. You are something to do until he gets something better.

Why would you stick around? After you walked into the house and saw another woman living in his house, then that should have been the last time you walked into that house. No more talking. No more explaining. No more getting back together. No more nothing!

He must have some boss-a** schlong to move another woman into his house, give you the keys, and you sit up here and say, “He didn’t give me the heads up.” Ba-by, he must be putting it down, and got you in check! SMDH! (This is what dic-ka-ma-ti-zation will do to you).

But, I want to know what is he bringing to the table that makes him so appealing? What does he offer you that make you feel safe and secure? He doesn’t have anything to give you. He takes, and takes, and takes. And, you keep giving, and giving, and giving. And, your dumba** keeps depositing back into him and this bankrupt relationship. He is depleting you, and you are allowing him to drain you, and destroy you spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. It’s sad that you don’t even see that you are not getting any type of return on your investment.


I swear some of you women are stuck on stupid, and will put up with some dumb asinine bull-ish and wonder why these men continue to dog you, run through you, and then walk out on you. If he is doing all of this to you now, then please know that he will do this after you marry him. Nothing is going to change. He is a dog. He is a liar. He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t even like you!

He leaves and you don’t hear from him for days. He doesn’t like you. He claims he works overtime and doesn’t come spend time with you. He doesn’t like you. You can only get in touch with him when he calls you back. He doesn’t like you. He deceives you and doesn’t tell you the truth until he gets upset. He doesn’t like you. He doesn’t want to spend time with you. He doesn’t like you.

Don’t marry him. It is not going to work. He is going to cheat on you, lie to you, and may very well move another woman into your house, and your dumba** will sit there looking stupid saying, “He didn’t give me the heads up.” SMDH! Please stop entertaining him, this one-way relationship, and this bull-ish. Stop giving him access to run your life, treating you like a doormat, and allowing him to wipe his feet all over you. Stop thinking he will change and things will be different. And, please stop making excuses for this non-existent relationship because it has run its course. That’s the plateau. It’s over. It’s done. Let it go. Let him go. And, move on with your life. You are not going to be happy with him. He is not going to be the man you want him to be. It’s time for you to be the woman you want to be: Powerful, strong, motivated, inspired, empowered, and wise. It’s time to be honest with yourself, tell yourself the truth and leave. Work on being a better you. Love and take care of yourself and stop running after this boy. You owe it to yourself to stop this Merry-Go-Round on again off again relationship. Officially declare it dead, and start investing in you! – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:
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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!


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