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Dear Bossip,

I’m just gonna get right into it! I am a young college student who hasn’t had much luck with dating guys my own age (I’m 20).

So, I recently began trying to date older gentlemen. I met a guy who is 43-years old. He’s very attractive, good job and overall a nice guy who I have great conversations with. We have only been out on three dates, but he seems to have gotten attached to me quite quickly.

He tells me I’m beautiful and wants to have a committed relationship with me. He’s not interested in sex, etc. I have never had a boyfriend before, not due to lack of being asked, but I don’t have a lot of faith in dating someone whom I cannot see myself being in a long lasting relationship. And, I am very strict in the way I feel a man should treat a lady. These guys today are too disrespectful for me!

Anyway, on our last date, a couple days ago, he said something about me being on my phone too much and would like for me to put it down for a little while. And, by not being on my phone after a certain time he said he would reward me with a pair of shoes. I love fashion so I agreed. LOL!

I go to excuse myself to the restroom and when I returned a short time later I found this grown a** man going through my cell phone (It’s not locked). I was in total disbelief! I didn’t cause a scene. I just took my phone and stated I was ready to leave and was quiet on the ride back to his house where I had parked my car.

Eventually he speaks up and states that he saw texts from a guy who attends the same university as myself and got upset because he thought we were moving towards something special. That is when I calmly informed him that under NO CIRCUMSTANCES was anything he saw in my phone up for discussion. Afterward, he revealed more things he saw in my phone. I realized he had been going through my phone since the first date we went on (-__-).

He violated my trust and ultimately he himself was to blame for ruining what could have been a great start to a potential… relationship? My question is, should I see him again? I have yet to return his texts or calls because I am unsure of what to do:  Forget about him or move on? He is a real gentlemen and we vibe well, but it wouldn’t be very hard to dismiss him. Please give a young girl some guidance! – Celly Violation Victim

Dear Ms. Celly Violation Victim,

Okay, I’m going to address this right quick and pull you right together! Don’t ever sell yourself for a pair of shoes, bag, weave extensions, rent, or whatever. You are doing nothing but pimping yourself out like a prostitute, or call girl. I don’t care if it’s a bet, or a reward for “so-called” good behavior of not being on your phone. Once a man starts buying you things, it’s a wrap afterward. They will think they own you. And, then, they will think that all it takes to buy you, because you’re willing to sell yourself, is to proposition you with some damn reward of some shoes, bags, or whatever. Stop selling yourselves!!!

Sitting over there talking about, “I’ll be a good girl and not use my phone so I can get me some new shoes.” SMDH!

Now, in regards to returning his calls and texts, or going on any other dates with this damn older man? HELL TO THE NAW! He violated your trust. He went through you phone, not only on your third date, but he has been consistently going through your phone since day one. Then, he twists the situation around and accuses you of texting with a guy from your university, but don’t know the full extent of your relationship. Then, he got upset over the text, yet, you and he are not in a relationship. You are not his woman. And, he proceeded to tell you about other things he saw in your phone. Huh??? The hell!?!?!

Are you that damn clueless, silly, and young about what this man’s potential behavior indicates? He’s a stalker. He’s controlling. He’s out on the prowl looking for young girls to date because he feels he can easily manipulate and control you. He is playing you. He doesn’t want a relationship, he wants someone to control, tell what to do, and manipulate. Girl, don’t see him again. End it. Move on. Focus on your education.

I’m proud of you and how you handled the situation, but that should be the last time you have anything to do with that fool.

Besides, you’re a 20-year old college student. What do you have in common with a 43-year old man? Yes, he may be a great conversationalist, but he is seasoned in the game of hunting for p***y. Don’t get it twisted young lady. He is only a good listener and knows how and what to say because he’s been at this for some time. He knows how to run game. Case in point: He brought up that you are always on your phone. As an old-school player, new technology, such as the cell phone, probably irritates him because he didn’t grow up in the era and time of cell phones being the exclusive means of contact. So, he brokers a deal with you, knowing all it takes is flashing some money, and the proposition to buy you something, and you’re all giddy and ready to sell your damn self. Chile, you’re the prey and don’t even know you’re the prey.

You’re sitting over there considering going on another date with this man. Why? He’s shown you who he is. He is not to be trusted. He went through your damn phone. He has no reason, no purpose, and no excuse to be going through your personal things. But, trust and believe, he will do it again. Next, he will be snooping through your purse, and then monitoring your calls and texts, and will put a tracking device on your phone. No ma’am. Not today or any other day. He is not a potential relationship partner for you.

He is not a gentleman. Don’t fall for this game, and this showboating of this performance he is portraying. It’s a ruse. Gentlemen do not go through a ladies phone while she is away. A gentleman will respect you, and not try to entice you with shoes as a reward for good behavior. He will buy you shoes, a bag, and other trinkets simply because he’s interested in you, and wants to see you have these things and be happy.

This man violated your trust and privacy, and, you should not trust him, ever, again. When someone starts snooping through your phone, just know it will be your other personal property next, and then they will start going through your emails, and stalking you on your social media accounts. They will keep doing it. Yes, you can warn them, and even let them know how it make makes you feel. They will apologize and say sorry, but, the fact that this man was doing this since your first date, then, this is a clear indicator of his character, actions, and behavior. He’s done it to other women, and that is why he is single at 43-years old trying to date young women such as yourself. You don’t have time to play games with a grown man who is insecure and untrustworthy. You should focus on your education, have fun in school, go out on dates with young men around your age, and don’t let any man play you by going through your personal property. It’s all a precursor for what’s to come in the future. And, stop selling yourself for some damn shoes, or a bag. You are not a hoe! – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think?

Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance

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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!


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