Dear Bossip: I Was Victimized As A Child & My Mother Did Nothing, Now I’m A Parent, But Still Yearning My Mother’s Love

- By Bossip Staff

Dear Bossip,

I am a 39-year old woman who, since the age of four, has experienced sexual trauma and abuse by family members, friends of the family, sons of friends of my mother, and by my sister’s father whom my mother is still with.

I had my first daughter at 15-years old by a young man who lived downstairs from us. He saw my mother leave and came up the back stairs, kicked our door in, and raped me. At the time, I was still being molested by my sister’s father. And, my mother knew because from the time I was about six, after he would finish she would come in the room seeing my legs still open and the tears coming out my eyes. She would ask me did he just come out of here I would tell her yes and she would go back in the room with him and leave me laying there.

My mother didn’t know I was pregnant until I was 8 months because I kept complaining of chest pains. I was very small in stature, but my breasts had tripled in size so she took me to the doctor. Three days later, the phone rang, and since we have the same last name they said “Ms. So-and-So,” you’re pregnant. She knew it wasn’t her and she looked at me. She punched me, kicked me down the stairs, and called me every name but a child of God. I didn’t tell her what happened to me with the boy downstairs because I knew she wouldn’t care or believe me. She told my sister’s father and called me b***, h**, and spit in my face.

I went in labor prematurely, and one week later I had a little girl. I got a job and continued high school, but it was so hard living with the trauma that young and with all those rapes. I took every pill I saw, and drunk some bleach because I felt nobody loved me. I was ashamed and still being victimized, and I couldn’t bear the pain anymore.

I woke up in the hospital and kept asking for my mother, but the ambulance and police said she chose to stay home. So, a nurse who was about to get off her shift called her family and she stayed in the ICU with me for a week. She didn’t leave my side. My mother never came. I was released, and being only 16-years old I had nowhere to go with a baby.

I endured so much abuse that I left and went to a shelter with my baby. That’s when my mom came, but the ulterior motive was to get a check for me and my daughter since I was underage with a baby. She would get the check and put me out. I was staying up all night so my sister’s father wouldn’t harm my daughter. So, I just left for good after getting put out again.

On the first I got me a place in a not so good neighborhood, with no heat, but I worked and put my baby in daycare. I finished high school with a HSED.  I met a guy who played like he cared, but the beatings started and I had another daughter. I got out of that relationship. I was 19-years old.

At 21, I met a guy who did street business. I was enrolled in college and I thought he cared. We got a place together, but I always lived on the edge staying up all night because I didn’t want anything to happen to my daughters that happened to me. I told him what happened to me and he promised that he would never hurt me or my daughters. But, that was short lived. I was locked in the house and I couldn’t use the bathroom without him standing next to the door every time. I got my hair done and he blackened my eye. He knocked my jaw off line, and spit on me if I didn’t want to have sex. He just took it. I had two daughters by him.

To make a long story short, I know many will say why didn’t you leave. I was so young and I had been beyond traumatized. It was never dealt with, and I had no one who cared for me. My daughters are grown and they all have graduated from high school and are in college but my oldest. I am raising her 4 year old and 2 year old sons because she won’t bond with them.

Where I say I have lost hope is because I hear every day how women are judged for having more than one child’s father. I always ask God why didn’t I have anyone to care for me. I didn’t know any better because I had been exposed to being touched inappropriately ever since I was a child, so, I thought that was love. I had a grandma that said a piece of man is better than no man. But, I made up in my mind the devil is a liar.

I have been single ever since I was 33-years old because I feel I’m not worth anything. My mother stole my money to put my sister through college. She doesn’t deal with my children only my sisters’ because she’s with her father. But, I try my best to be the best grandmother I can be to my grandsons.

The harshness of the world talking about young grandmothers and the judgment makes me lose hope sometimes because I was a good girl who wasn’t cared about. I don’t even think I know what love is, but I know it’s not being hit on cheated on. And, I refuse to have someone who is abusive just to say I have a man.

As far as my mother, I have tried to be loved by her even paying her or given her gifts, but she told me I see who she chose so get over it. I don’t have a relationship with my sister and I feel so alone. It’s an everyday struggle to hope my mother will say she’s sorry and she loves me. I just want to say I am one of those ones who are stereotyped, but every day of my life I live by a standard to be better and not bitter, but I feel like I have never had a fair chance. Some say I’m strong, but I don’t feel it. I know God loves me, but I wish He would send more loving people in my path. – No Sympathy Just A Chance

Dear Ms. No Sympathy Just A Chance,

Your letter brought me to tears. My gosh! I feel for you, and what you have gone through. But, I also want to applaud you for your strength, courage, and resolve to fight for your life. You are a hero! You are a blessing. Simply by you sharing your story, just know that you have touched the lives of so many people who have experienced what you’ve gone through but have given up hope. You have a testimony, and you are a gift and inspiration.

I am sorry for what happened to you at such an early age. Sexual assault on your body at six years old by your mother’s husband, and the many men who have abused you as a child is a horrendous crime. It’s a crime that happens to so many young women and men, and it renders them voiceless, powerless, and in so much pain. What’s truly sad is that your mother knew of the assault and remained with the man who violated you. As you can see, the pattern that your grandmother told you, “A piece of a man is better than no man,” was resolute with your mother. She lived by that motto, and instead of fighting for you, protecting you, and loving you she chose the piece of a man.

I see that the mental, physical, and emotional abuse is hereditary patterns in your family. It appears it stems from your grandmother, and was passed along to your mother, and your mother passed it along to you.

You don’t have to continue being a victim, or being victimized. You started the journey toward liberation, however, I strongly suggest that you seek therapy with a licensed psychiatrist, or counselor who can help you resolve the issues around your trauma, and your relationship with your mother. The sexual trauma and assaults on your body are deeply rooted, and working with a therapist will help you resolve and learn how to deal with this deeply rooted psychological trauma, and emotional and mental psychosis.

Your mother will never take responsibility for what happened to you. She will never say she’s sorry, and she will never tell you she loves you. She, herself, is hurt, in pain, and traumatized herself. I am certain that she has been abused physically, emotionally, and mentally, and cannot see the damage on her own psyche, and well-being. She is damaged, and her spirit has been destroyed. Her disconnect in loving, nurturing, and caring for you is a result of her own mother doing the same thing she is doing to you. Also, this hereditary mental and emotional abuse is now affecting your oldest daughter. If you don’t stop the cycle, and get yourself and your daughter into therapy, then, she will pass it along to her children, and their children will pass it along to theirs.

I know you want your mother’s love, care, and support. We all yearn for our mother’s nurturing, and caring. However, when a woman has gotten to the point where she can stand by and watch her own daughter be abused, and, yet, remain in a relationship with the very man who is abusing her child, and continue to let him live in the same house, then, she is far gone. Her will and spirit has been broken. All you can do is love her from a distance, and spend your energies working on you, loving you, and nurturing yourself.

In regards to your mother’s husband, I do believe the statue of limitations of rape, and assault you experienced can still be prosecuted by the law. If you feel strong enough, and want some justice and resolution, I would suggest you check your state’s laws on rape and sexual assaults, consult a lawyer, and file charges. Because trust and believe, what he did to you, he has done to some other young girl. Stand up, fight for your liberation, and heal yourself. It may cause a bigger rift between you and your mother, but it will help you to move forward with your own life, and to heal the damage of what this man did to you. You deserve justice, and he should not be allowed to walk freely in society without any repercussions for what he has done. Take control over your life and this situation. It will continue to linger and fester the wounds of abuse and your ability to heal.

I strongly suggest finding a church home, or spiritual community that can be of support, and help you to deal with your spiritual nurturing. Surround yourself with positive, loving, and spiritual people who can uplift you, encourage you, empower you, and inspire you. You are a gift. God has a plan for you, and it began when you wrote your letter and shared it with us. Your testimony will help save lives. This is the beginning of your healing process. And, I agree that many times in our society we condemn women who have multiple children with different men and not know the full story. We don’t know the circumstances and situation in which she is fighting for independence, hope, and love for her own children, while facing her own demons.

Please continue to love your grandsons, nurture them, and empower them. They need extra love, care, and attention. I applaud you for taking up the role of being a grandmother and mother to those young boys. I also would recommend getting them involved with a church or spiritual institution to begin the nurturing and caring of their souls and spirits. Also, surround them with other positive male role models in various programs at the school, outreach programs, or the church or spiritual institution. They need male guidance from empowered and positive males.

Also, know you did a damn good job in raising your daughters through completing high school, and now they are in college. At a young age, you worked, completed your own education, and pushed through and pushed on. You didn’t give in to your circumstances, or situation. That should tell you how powerful you are, and that God is truly in your life, and has a plan for you. Your story is a powerful testimony of the mind, will, and spirit to change and not give in, or give up! God is not done with you.

I want to thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for being so strong, and resolved in not continuing the cycle of abuse. You have a lot to offer. And, I hope you will strongly consider therapy, work on healing your soul and spirit, and began the process in learning to love yourself despite your mother. I am certain that once you begin the transformation of your life, then, the transformation of your world will change, and your world will brighter. Thank you! – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think?

Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Deanloveandrelationships@bossip.com

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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
     

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