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Dear Bossip,

My wife and I have been married for almost two years this summer.

We’ve been together on and off for just about 4 years. (We are both woman if this helps too)

Anyways, we first got together when I was 17 years old, and she cheated on me. So, I broke up with her and we separated for a year. We got back together and I was pregnant at this time, and she took on the responsibility of helping to raise the baby who is now a year and a half.

We got married and throughout our marriage she’s cheated on me with a co-worker in our home. She’s flirted with her recent ex, and, now she met a girl off of OkCupid and within a week she went to chill with her. She ended up staying over her house after I asked her not to because neither of us knew this girl. I felt it was disrespectful to our marriage.

She then took it to another level by taking it out on our son. I asked if she was coming home to watch him while I had class, by which she replied, “Find some other arrangements,” (mind you this was only my second week of school).

I ended up going off the deep end, cutting her laces, hats, and hacking her IG account with her nudes. Not my proudest moment, but I wanted to hurt her the way she’s hurt me. I could never disrespect her with another woman. Now, I moved to another state back home with my father and our son. I’m falling under depression and just really hurting. I’m regretting my decisions. What do I do? – Married And Lost

Dear Ms. Married And Lost,

She does not love you. She does not respect you. She does not appreciate you. She does not deserve you.

1.)    Your wife has cheated on you in your home with a co-worker. There is no further explanation or discussion needed. Ma’am, your wife has cheated, in your home, with a co-worker, and she continues to cheat. Uhm, sweetie, it was time to go after you discovered she laid up in your house and sexed another woman in your home. She disrespected you, your space, and your home. That’s when you should have packed all your –ish, and moved out with your son, and filed for a divorce.

2.)    Now, she has met a random woman online, and, after a week she went to her home and stayed the night even after you asked her not to. Again, she doesn’t respect you, or your marriage. The moment she walked out the door, you should have changed the locks, packed her sneakers, baseball caps, hoodies, and jeans and set them on the porch. Then, you change your number, file for divorce, and continue moving forward with your life without her.

3.)    But, hold up, it gets better. When you asked her to come home from the random chick’s home to watch your son so that you could go to school, she tells you to, “Find some other arrangements.” That’s when you should have said, “No, sweetie, YOU find some other arrangements! This is no longer your home. You no longer have a place to live. Don’t bother coming back. All your –ish will be sitting on the curb.”

No, you shouldn’t have resorted to cutting up her things, and posting her nudes online. But, you were hurt, and you wanted to hurt her. I get that, and trust me we’ve all been there. However, you did the right thing by moving you and your son home with your dad. This gives you time to regroup, and rebuild.

Right now you’re going through withdrawals of not having her there because you’ve been on and off with her for four years. Your heart is telling you one thing, but your head is saying another. You’re outweighing the good with the bad. You’re justifying her behaviors and what you could have done differently, and how you can fix it. Your heart and body wants her, but your rational thinking head is telling you to not return. Listen to your head.

This marriage is over. She has defiled your marriage by sleeping with another woman in your home, and then she left you for another woman she met online. The marriage is over! She doesn’t want to be married to you. She doesn’t love you. She’s not interested in being monogamous. And, despite you being faithful, nurturing, and caring, she continues to treat you horribly. She walks all over you, and she knows that you won’t leave her.

This is your moment to stand your ground. Stand firm in your decision, and do not return to this unhealthy, damaged, and destructive marriage. She will tear you down, drag you to the bowels of hell, and leave you there in despair and depression. And, it’s because she is unhappy, miserable, and destructive to her own self. She has done nothing but destroyed your spirit, your light, and your love. She doesn’t deserve you.

I also suspect that there is some resentment around your son. You mentioned that you and she got back together after a year when you first learned she cheated on you (notice the cheating pattern). Four years ago you caught her cheating and broke up with her, and four years later she is still doing the same thing. When people show you who they are, believe them! Nothing has changed.

But, anyway, after a year of being separated you were pregnant when you got back together. Which means you may be bisexual, and you may desire men and women. I’m not sure, but that’s what I suspect. However, she is gay, and I feel you may have been a challenge for her, so she pursued you, and once she got what she wanted you no longer were a challenge. But, you caught feelings, she agreed to be in a relationship, but I’m sure she never really wanted a relationship. And, she never wanted a relationship with a bisexual woman because I suspect there is the threat that you will leave her for a man. Which doesn’t explain her incessant need to cheat.

However, you and her are raising your son. You mentioned she has taken on the responsibility of helping in his parenting. But, is she really a good parent, and how has she been instrumental in his life? She has shown you that she doesn’t want the responsibility of caring for YOUR son. She is not interested in being a family to a child that is not hers. So, file for divorce, move on, heal your heart and your mind. Get back in school, and continue to love and nurture your son. He needs your more than you need her. Right now you’re hurting and depressed over a love lost, but trust me, give yourself time to heal and regroup, and you will be grateful for your decision. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think?

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Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance

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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!


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