Dear Bossip: After 11 Years Together He Left Me For The Love His Life, Now They're Married, But He's Still Calling Me

Dear Bossip,

A little over 2 years ago, my daughter’s father up and left me to be with someone who he described as “the love of his life.”

We had been together a little over 11 years. He basically left me with no notice after I finally searched through his phone (which I don’t do, but a nagging feeling told me to do so). I called her up and she told me they had been together for 2 years!!

Well, he got so mad and ballistic at ME he said “F” me and my daughter, and that he was moving on to start a new family with her and her twin sons (which are not his). He called me every name in the book, and told me every unholy place I could go as well!

For the good part of a year, he wouldn’t help me with our daughter financially and he wouldn’t spend any time with her (Previously he was a VERY good father. Family and friends praising me and him on how good of a father he was). This motivated me to do my job as a mother even harder!

I worked at least two double shifts each week. I went back to school to finish my degree. And, I really didn’t date because I felt that I had to show my daughter that you can’t let nothing stop you from being all that you could be, and that no matter who lets you down in life that her mommy will always be there for her. Needless to say I finished school, and I saved up enough money to take my daughter to Disney World. Although I’m still single, I have been able to work on me so that I now know what I want and need out of a man. And, I have set my standards a little higher.

Well, of course he started to feel bad about how he treated his child and he started being the father that he was initially. He and his girlfriend got married about 3 months ago, and I promise you they got married on a Saturday, and on Tuesday my phone was ringing nonstop! He’s been telling me how miserable he’s been, how he fell for the 80/20 rule, how sorry he is, and things of that nature. He’s even gone so far as to ask if I see any future with us. If I say no, or refuse to participate in his wife bashing conversations, then he’s right back to disrespecting me and calling me out of my name.

My question is what should I do? I WON’T tell the wife because I told her that we were together initially, and she still married him. So, that tells me that she is a weak woman who will fall for anything a man says just to have one. And, by me telling her the TRUTH about her HUSBAND will just make me look like a “bitter hating baby momma.”

He’s a VERY good provider, buying her a new BMW, a four bedroom house, and she doesn’t have to work. So, I doubt that she’ll have much to say even if I came to her with proof of the things he’s said and done. He took her out of her aunt’s house so, yeah, you get the picture.

I’ve tried to keep the peace because we do have to communicate on some level to raise our child, but I’m tired of listening to the “woe is me, I shouldn’t have done this,” stories, and, “maybe one day you and me,” song and dance that he says. However, if you look on Facebook or Instagram it’s a total different story. They are VERY much in love and committed to one another. Or, when she’s around he suddenly can’t talk to me, but when she’s not he can talk for hours.

Make no mistake about it, he and I are COMPLETELY through. I want nothing to do with him on that level, but I feel as if this is just a game to him. It’s like no matter how much I let him know I’m no longer interested in him, or deny his advances (which I do ALL time; every time he comes at me with that BS!), the more he pushes, calling me “bae”, inviting me out to dinner, and smacking me on my behind.

It’s like I’m at the end of my rope with saying NO!!! He won’t follow me on social networks, because his wife would then know he does, but he finds and request ALL (I mean ALL) of my friends and family, and tries to follow them, but they all know the situation and block him. He’s even gone as far as following guys whom he’s heard I’ve been acquainted with. It’s like I have an undercover stalker, but he can’t let his wife know that he’s stalking me.

The only ones who knows this is my close family and friends, as it wouldn’t do me any good to tell others, because he’ll just lie his way out of it, and turn it around on me and boom! I’m looking like the crazy person. LOL! I’m living like some real life drama episode right now. He tries to check me if I don’t answer the phone, or if I go out, even going as far as to asking the babysitter if she knows where I went!

I’m really losing my patience, and want to go OFF, but that’s what he wants! Like I said, this is a game to him and the more crazier I paint myself to be the more he puts that out there. So, I just learned to deal with it. If I tell anyone outside of my circle what the hell is really going on, I’ll just look bitter, scorned, jealous, and all of the other typical jaded ex stereotypes. I really don’t know what to do here……HELP!! – The Ex From Hell

Dear Ms. The Ex From Hell,

So, you were with a man for 11 years, playing house, acting like a married couple, and for two years he had another relationship without you ever knowing about it? Really?! You had no clue? WOW! Okay, I take that with a grain of salt. You’ve been with a man for 11 years, trust me, you know his patterns and behaviors. Either you were real comfortable and just didn’t care anymore, or you did suspect something, but finally in year two you decided to go through his phone to justify your suspicions. SMDH!

I just want to say that he didn’t just decide to one day up and leave. He had been plotting this all along. He was just waiting for the opportune moment. You weren’t rocking the boat, and he was quite comfortable having the both of you. He had a place to stay with you, but his side chick, his girlfriend was at her aunt’s house. He wasn’t going to leave you with no plan in action, and he wasn’t going to shack up in her aunt’s house. So, he saved his money, and waited. However, he knew one day he would have to make a choice, and do something. He wanted to leave you, but didn’t have the balls or nerve to say it to you because he had no real reason. You’d been playing house with him, and you made him quite comfortable being there. But, the day you went through his phone, and called up his girlfriend to confront her, that is when he felt it was his time to finally make his move and do what he had been wanting to do for two whole years.

You know what, I no longer get surprised when I hear these stories of women like you who spend 5, 10, and 15 years with a man as his girlfriend, playing house, having babies, and acting as if you’re married. And, when the relationship ends, or he decides to leave you he marries the side chick, or some other woman within a year or two. You were the starter woman. You were the woman who set him up for the next chick because you didn’t require much. You didn’t require or demand anything from him, so he used you to build himself, his ego, and his pride.

I tell you this much, some of you women better stop dumbing down and playing yourselves in these relationships, and allowing these men to use you. You keep letting these men use you as a stepping stone, treating you like a jump off, and doing and saying whatever the hell he wants to you. Ain’t no way in hell you should play yourself, or get that comfortable with a man that you let down your guard, or start playing house and moving in and having babies and you don’t have anything to show for it except he comes home at night, and he gives you some of his paycheck. Demand more and better of yourself, and from him. Demand respect, encouragement, support, and responsibility. If your relationship becomes stagnant after a year or two, then it’s time to re-evaluate where you’re going, what your plans are, and where do you see yourself with him, and where does he see himself with you in the future. Don’t spend five years trying to figure it out, or wondering what he’s going to do next. No ma’am!

So, now that he has buyer’s remorse, and he wants to call you up and complain about his new wife, I recommend you stop giving him a listening ear. Why are you entertaining him? Why take the call and let him whine, complain, and bish? Chile, he wants to play this game he had before with the two of you. He wants things to go back to the way they used to be when he would go back and forth between you two. But, when he went to her, trust and believe that he was complaining about you to her. That is why she comforted him, consoled him, and built his ego and his pride. She became everything to him that you were not. So, he married her. Instead of coming to you like a man, and communicating to you what he was missing and lacking in the relationship he went to her. Ole’ nothing a** man!

And, now, he is running the same game again. What he is not getting at home with his wife, he wants to come back to you and wants you to build his ego and his pride. He’s running back to his safety net, hoping you will take him back, and tell him he’s a big boy and stroke his manhood. He’s a wimp. He’s a little boy looking for someone to stroke his ego. Put a stop to this childish game, and his silly a** antics.

The next time he calls you complaining about his wife, record the conversations. Keep these as your trail of evidence so he can’t say you are lying, or make you out to be the bitter angry baby momma who wants revenge, or trying to get him back. Every email, or text message he sends save them. Stock up on the paper trail. Let him dig his own hole and bury himself. However, you have to set some boundaries with him, and let him know that you don’t care to hear about his wife. She is not of your concern, and it’s none of your business what is going on with him and his marriage. You have nothing to discuss but your daughter. If the conversation isn’t about your daughter, then hang up. Click! But, if he wants to harasses you, and wants to dog you out, then you play back the messages and you let him know if he doesn’t stop then you will share all of this with his wife. And, you will post it online and share it with all your family and friends. Check that a**, boo!

Look, I know you love the attention he is giving you. You love that he is running back to you and complaining about his wife. You get to gloat in his misery because you feel he did you wrong, especially her, and now you feel some type of way that he is calling you up and begging to come back home. You love that you have the upper hand and can say you don’t want him, and can reject his advances and point the finger at him saying, “You chose her. You don’t want me. You left me and your daughter. Now, you regret leaving us and the grass is not so green on the other side, is it?”

Girl, stop playing this game with him and grow up. Your conversations with him should be limited and of only concern regarding your daughter. And, why are you letting him smack you on the a**? Why are you having dinner with him, or meeting him out? Unless he is coming to get your daughter, then there is no need for the two of you to be meeting, or having any type of rendezvous. Let him know that if he doesn’t stop touching you, then you will file a complaint for sexual harassment and assault. If you need to meet him for any reason, then bring a third party. That way you and he won’t be alone together. Stop entertaining him, stop giving him a listening ear, and stop letting him use you. You are not his woman, you are not his therapist, and you are not his friend. You share a child together, and the only communication between you two should be that around your daughter. Period. Point. Blank. If you keep letting him get this attention, then he will keep on seeking it from you. If you’re really over him, then be over him, move on, and get yourself a man. – Terrance Dean

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