My boyfriend and I have been together for ten years and we’ve had our ups and downs through those years.
He recently told me that he has cheated on me with a couple of girls, but said that there were no emotional attachments. He owned up to all his faults and said that I was in no part of why he did it.
I have been cheated on before so I have my insecurities and issues, and this recent confession doesn’t help me in one bit. I’ve always walked away and never stayed with anybody who has cheated on me. But, I decided to stay with him because I didn’t want to throw away years of memories together.
He has been trying really hard ever since. He has cut all communications with the girls and has been keeping a low-profile by staying home and hanging out with me more. He’s also promised to be honest and faithful this time around. I just wonder if it’ll ever be enough.
How can I ever trust him again? How do I overcome this? And why do I feel stupid for staying? Could I ever look at him the same way again? I really need some advice. and Thank you for listening. – Confused and Heartbroken
Dear Ms. Confused and Heartbroken,
My question is why have you been dating a man for ten years, and all you have to claim for yourself is that he is your boyfriend? Why have you continued a relationship with a man for this long and you’re not married? Why have you given him all this time, dedication, and created these “memories?”
So, now that he’s admitted to cheating on you with a couple of girls, and he says it had nothing to do with you. Uhm, okay, so why did he cheat? What was his reasoning? If there was no emotional attachment, and it was nothing that you did, or didn’t do, so why did he step out and sleep with a couple of girls? Did you even ask him why?
I’m curious to know what was his reasoning for cheating and why did he do it with a couple of girls. It was not one woman, but several women. SEVERAL! There is no excuse he can give for his infidelity, and it would take a whole lot more than just staying at home and hanging out with you more, and keeping a low profile. Obviously, he cheated because, oh, I don’t know, because he just felt like it. He has a problem with monogamy, and being faithful. He has a problem with being committed to one woman. Therefore, instead of working on the real deep rooted issue of his infidelity, he feels that staying home and keeping a low profile will prevent him from doing it again. That’s not going to happen.
He has a problem. And, he can sit up in the house all he wants, and he can hang with you all he wants to. And, hell, he can keep a low profile, too. But, eventually he will get bored and tired of this routine. He will want to go hang out with the fellas, or go do something on his own. His urge and desire will return, and he will start making excuses and finding ways to get out of the house without you. And, he will resort back to his cheating ways. He needs to address the real issue at hand, or you will find yourself having this same conversation with him again with him confessing his infidelities.
You say you have trust issues, and you have been cheated on before. Therefore, why did you leave those men, yet, you are staying with him? Memories cannot keep you in a relationship. The real tea is that you have invested time and energy into this man, and you are, or were hoping he would marry you one day. You figured he was the one, and that he would be your husband, and you’ll have a family by now. Now, you are trying to save face because how do you explain to your family and friends that you ended a ten year relationship with a man and you have nothing to show for it but some memories.
You and he need to have a very serious conversation, and discuss what will the next six months to a year look like for you two, and where is this relationship going. Will there be a marriage happening soon, and what type of commitment is he planning to make with you other than you being his girlfriend? It’s time to get to the root of his cheating, his infidelity, and what it has done to you and your trust of him. Break it down, and if you don’t like his answers, and there is no plan of action to move forward in your relationship, and he hasn’t rebuilt the trust, then it’s time to chuck up the deuces and leave. It’s not worth it to spend another day, another hour, or another minute with him if there is no secure future, and you do not have his trust, or feel he can be trustworthy. – Terrance Dean
Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: firstname.lastname@example.org Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!
Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!