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Dear Bossip,

I have a situation that I need to share. Please bear with me ‘coz it’s going to be a long one, and I am sorry about it.

My husband is a porn addict. He is a great guy, but certain behavior of his does not comply with the word of God. I did not know until we got married that he was one. I could digest with that for a certain extent. He is possessive over me in regards to which guy I text, talk, etc. I have boundaries with the opposite sex. I have been 100% faithful to my husband. I have made a covenant with the Lord and with my eyes, heart, mind, body, and soul.

Our sex life is good – but it’s monotonous due to work, having our daughter at home, and the helper at home so it limits when it comes to spicing it up. Right now our motive is to get the money so we can move back to states for good. He works long hours and he is tired, but whenever he gets home he spends an excessive amount of time with his I-pad and phone. Which really pisses me off and since he is on his and I’m on mine. He complains that I’m always on the phone, but he never accepts his mistakes.

He says there shouldn’t be any boundaries with us, but he never lets me touch his mobile/I-pad. He gets so annoyed which makes me doubt, whereas he would just pick up my phone and checks whatever he wants. I actually don’t mind because I strongly think there should not be any “no go zones” in a marriage. He is a great debater and he can argue and make a person say, “Sorry, I’m wrong,” when that person is right. It’s like he can argue so well that a person will believe the day is night.

For the past week my spirit was so disturbed about him and it was getting louder and louder. I have never doubted him up until that point. I was like on a rebuke about the feeling. This past Wednesday while I was on my lunch break I went on to his email and in the deleted box I found the mail in which had had asked an acquaintance for naked pictures and to keep in touch with him on What’s App.

I’m so heartbroken, hurt, and angry. I acted out of anger and called him and blasted him and called him out his name. In my eyes this is not honorable whatsoever.

We spoke about it and the excuse he gave was, “It’s a guy thing, and I would never cheat on you. This is just the perverted side of me, and why did you snoop. You are messing up my zone. I come over like a motherly authority figure most of the time, am rigid, uncompromising, and overly spiritual.” He feels that I am controlling him (I do have that. He smokes and I get worried about his health and sometimes I do get overboard ). So, he finds it difficult to look at me as his “sex kitten.”

He said, “I like to see a** and t***ies and its does not mean that I don’t love my wife. What you saw in the email was just me getting what I need. I am not having a relationship with the b***h! It’s selling dreams and you get what you want.” I felt so bad when he said that coz that shows he does not respect women with dignity. God knows who else he is in touch with.

He was yelling and screaming. I had to calm him down saying we are hear to talk and not argue. If something is bothering you about me then you have to talk it out and tell me. Why can’t we sext each other, and send freaky pics to each other. I told him when I initiate it you cut me off. Basically he said, it’s just a guy thing, and for me it’s a downright violation of trust and misconduct! He says I only talk about GOD, God, God, which is not true. He says I need to have a balance. I do have a balance, and, oh, he said I need a hobby.

I have taken it to the Lord in prayers. I am really sad. Also, he is in touch with his exes off and on. Whereas I don’t even have any links to my exes coz I have shut the door. He went on to say last night that his ex texted him and said she had a dream that he was complaining to her about his wife and she was checking in to see if he was okay. Really?!?!?

I’m at a crossroads. I love him to death. I always think about him during the day and I can’t wait to see him when I get home. I’m disgusted about the whole thing. What I have decided is that I’ll battle it in the spirit and keep my mouth shut in the natural and wait till God does his work. – Spirit Versus Flesh

Dear Ms. Spirit Versus Flesh,

Well, I’m sure God doesn’t want you to be a fool, which is why your spirit was disrupted and you felt something that was off. Therefore, what was revealed is now in the open. Now, you can sit there and wait and fight it out in the spirit, or you can begin the process for divorce and watch the natural be done! When God reveals things I’m sure it’s because it’s time for you to take the necessary measures and action, while God will take care of the rest.

Your husband said all you do is talk about God. Well, I hate to tell you this, but you married the devil!

Look, ma’am, you just learned that your husband was texting other women asking for nude pictures, and for them to remain in communication with him. Then, he is maintaining relationships with his exes, and he doesn’t see anything wrong with it. And, on top of it, he had the audacity to tell you, “It’s a guy thing,” and there is nothing wrong with him soliciting pictures of women asking to see their a**es and breasts. He tells you that it’s the perverted side of him, and that you are messing up his zone, and you are too motherly, rigid, and spiritual. WOW!

You should have punched him in his damn mouth, slapped this –ish out of him, and packed up you and your child’s things and headed to the airport and came home. Leave all that –ish there, and just go home and be with your family. The hell is wrong with him talking about, “It’s a guy thing, and you are messing up his zone.” The hell!?!?! Then, he said he would never cheat on you, but, yet, he is soliciting nude photos from someone who is not his wife, and asking to remain in communication with her. HUH? Is he that damn dumb and stupid? What side of the neck was he talking out of? Girl, you should have punched him in the throat. He has a lot of gall and nerve. He literally tried to turn this on you and blame you. WOW!

What’s unfortunate that I noticed in your letter is that you did what most women do, and that is concede and admit, “Yes, I am overbearing, and I am concerned about his health, so I tend to go overboard and be protective and caring.” SMDH! He made you feel guilty for his behavior. He attempted to turn this into what you are doing, how you made him do this, versus taking responsibility for his own illicit behaviors, and his actions of infidelity.

But, I don’t understand why you would even marry this man knowing that he remains in contact with his exes. I swear you women are so desperate for a man that you will put up with anything, and let them treat you any type of way just so you can say you have a man. If you are his wife, then there is no need for him to be communicating with his exes, not unless they have children together. And, why is she calling him talking about she had a dream that he was complaining about his wife to her? Oh, hell to the naw! She better learn her place and her role!

Chile, I can’t believe this man sat up here and told you that he can’t look at you as his wife, his sex partner, and his lover because he finds you acting too motherly. You try to add spice to your relationship by sexting, and exchanging photos with him, but he shoots you down, and tells you that he’d rather get it from another woman, and you’re interrupting his zone, and that he isn’t having a relationship with the b***h. He called her out of her name, therefore, like you said, he is showing you what and how he feels about women. He objectifies women. They are for his personal use, and to be sexually used. He is a misogynist, and womanizer. He doesn’t respect women. Therefore, he doesn’t respect you, and he objectifies you, and feels you have a place in his life, and your purpose is to satisfy him, fulfill his desires and his needs.

Ma’am, if you don’t get out of this marriage, and save yourself, then you will only find yourself dealing with a man who will eventually begin abusing you physically. He is already abusing you emotionally and mentally. He makes you out to be the bad guy, or woman, and turns this on you. He makes you feel guilty for his behaviors and antics by telling you that he doesn’t find you sexy, attractive, or able to satisfy his needs. He tells you that he needs to get it from someplace else, therefore, he steps outside of his marriage. This is emotional abuse and it is subtle and jarring. And, just as suspected, you internalize it and think it is because of how you treat him, and care for him. So, you try to adjust your behavior, and how to please him and satisfy him without making him uncomfortable. You begin excusing his behavior, and making excuses for him, just like you did in some parts of this letter.

It’s a mental game, and he is playing on your mental. Eventually, he will begin pushing you, shoving you, and punching you for intruding in his space. He accused you snooping, yet, he is only upset that he got caught, so he turns it on you.

The fact that he has made you feel less than his wife, his lover, his partner, and his queen, then, it should be abundantly clear that it’s time to leave. You have the proof. You have the evidence of his infidelity. God has revealed all of this to you. Now, ask God for the strength, power, conviction, and support to leave your husband. Yes, it’s a spiritual warfare, don’t let it become a physical warfare on your flesh. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!




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