Dear Bossip: Initially I Hid That I Had Herpes From Him, Yet, We Got Into A Relationship, But He Constantly Throws It Up In My Face

Dear Bossip,

I am a 23-year old woman in love with a 37-year old man that I wronged from the start of our so far 3 year relationship.

I met this father of two through a mutual friend when he was still married to his wife. I always thought he was attractive, but I would never overstep the marriage boundary. Three years passed and he’s in the middle a divorce. He lives back home with his mom, and is a hard-working man and awesome father.

One day our mutual friend told him about a dream I had about him and he wanted to know more. I received a phone call from my friend’s number, but the voice wasn’t a woman. He said he wanted to sit and talk with me if I was willing to hear him out. I pleasantly agreed. He came over my house around 8pm and we talked non-stop until about 1am. He opened up completely to me and answered anything I wanted to know. He told me his situation with the divorce and how that relationship went sour. He expressed to me that he was in the process of getting back on his feet. He shared that he just had to leave his marriage because it wasn’t genuine as he thought it was.

From that day forward we began to develop a personal relationship rather than a simple friendship through a close friend of ours.

We began spending everyday together and all of our free time. I think I was already secretly in love with him before we got this close, but I completely fell in love the night he sat on my couch. What I fearfully neglected to do was inform him that as much I wanted him I had genital herpes. I waited until three weeks after we were intimate (unprotected) to divulge this terrible information about my status.

After a few weeks of hiding my suppressant medication I couldn’t take living this lie knowing the truth would come to light eventually. Because we went back and forth spending the night at each other’s houses and I always packed a bag I had to tell him about my secret prevention pill.

One night we were just relaxing watching television, and I wrecked my brain on how I would expose my secret to him. I couldn’t bring myself to speak the words without an image of my head being blown off right after I told him. I just knew this man was going to kill me. I mean what man wouldn’t want to beat a woman to death or slice her throat and burn her body after he finds out she gave him an incurable sexually transmitted disease that she knew about? All the things I should have thought prior to laying down, but I let lust lead.

So, with tears in my eyes I handed him the prescription bottle. He looked confused until he stumbled upon the golden word that made it all come together. I broke down on him and he actually consoled me. I told him how I contracted the virus from my last boyfriend from high school. At the time my ex stayed with me and continued to have unprotected sex with me as he claimed he was diagnosed “immune” to the disease so he couldn’t catch it, but he claimed he also was not the one who gave it to me. I cried so hard I was hyperventilating, but he continued to console and accepted his fate and told me we will get through this together because we are inseparable now.

That reaction was not what I had at all expected, but everything I thought I needed at the time. He was an upstanding man with more courage in his pinky than I had in my body. He hugged me and loved me and we have been moving forward ever since.

The challenge for me is this man who accepted me with a very sensitive issue I deal with daily has now taken on my battle and accepted the risks I put his health in. But, at times the true anger and disgust comes out by him lashing out at me as if he’s reliving the bad news. Any problem or disagreement we have is now magnified because I gave him herpes. We can argue about how I can’t hear what he’s saying and the argument will go from a simple misunderstanding to how I messed his life up and he won’t give any woman a chance if this relationship doesn’t work.

I went from having the man of my dreams to creating a nightmare for myself at times. When we are good we are great. We are goofy, playful, loving, and caring. But, when we are bad he tears up any cards or special notes I gave him, and brings up my ex and how I should be with the man who did this to me.

I know I wronged my man badly. But, as much as he has put on the line for me I put on the line for him. I care for his two kids. I support him emotionally, financially (when he needs), and physically, though, it is last, but I do that too. I know he hasn’t forgiven me because he doesn’t know how to forgive such a thing, but I know he loves me.

I’m completely in love with him, but I’m so hurt that I hurt him so bad that he feels I should just accept anything he does and says as long as he comes home at night and isn’t sexual with anyone else.

I feel confident that we both won’t step outside of our relationship given the seriousness of our situation. But, the problem I have now is that I guess I’m willing to give up my power to defend myself and my position because I’ve done something so bad. It’s like I should be singing his praises that he stayed with me. How do I move forward with him and regain my voice despite the wrongs I’ve done? Is it possible for a man to even move forward with forgiveness in a case like this? – I Hid That I Had Herpes

Dear Ms. I Hid That I Had Herpes,

There are so many layers to this, particularly the emotional and mental abuse you both are doing to one another. It will not last. It will destruct, and cause more havoc and distress. This relationship is unhealthy, and unless you get into couples therapy, then your relationship will grow worse and even to the point of physical abuse.

Yes, what you did from the very beginning of your relationship was wrong. Before you had unprotected sex with him you were obligated to inform him of your health status. You put his life in danger by not revealing what you have, and how you are treating and taking care of yourself. It was selfish, immature, and manipulative. But, also, you didn’t think of how this could have affected your health as well. What would have happened if he had a sexually transmitted disease, and he passed it along to you? It would have compounded your Herpes, and you would be up –ish creek without a paddle. Therefore, by not revealing your status you put yourself and him in a dangerous situation.

But, this man stood by you, consoled you, and stayed with you. Commendable, yes. But, now he throws it in your face whenever an argument ensues, and he makes you feel guilty. That’s not love, sweetie. That is tactical manipulation, and coercion. He plays on your feelings, emotions, and mentality by making you out to be the bad woman who gave him an incurable disease. He destroys your self-esteem by destroying your spirit and soul. That is no love. Therefore, whatever he told you about him and his soon-to-be ex-wife, I would certainly be giving him the side-eye, and wondering what really happened, and if he did the same thing to her. Did he destroy her spirit, and soul? And, did he abuse her mentally, emotionally, and possibly physically?

You both are with one another out of remorse, and regret. I’m sure if you had a choice, and chose to use the power of your choice I am certain that you would leave him. You wouldn’t put up with this if you didn’t feel you had to. But, you suck it up and take his abuse because you probably feel no other man will love you, or be there for you due to your status. Therefore, you subject yourself to this abuse and this man’s tyrannical behavior toward you because you feel obligated to stay with this man who stuck by your side even after you revealed to him about your Herpes after you had unprotected sex. You don’t have to stay with him, and you don’t owe him anything. You are not obliged, obligated, or forced to be with someone who is going to demean you, devalue you, and make you feel less than and unworthy because he chose to stay. He made the choice to stay even despite knowing the facts, and what happened.

For him, he has remorse and regret and feels obligated to stay with you. He resents you, and resents himself for running up in you raw and now he feels stuck. He probably feels that he is trapped into a situation and has to remain in it, though, he wasn’t probably looking for anything serious. Now, he has a permanent girlfriend, and is wondering how is he going to tell his family, ex-wife, and friends about his situation. Will he live with it in secret, or what will happen if his job or someone he knows finds out? He is thinking of his kids, and about his future. He is thinking of his sex life, and how he has to now be as cautious and forthright about his situation if you and he were to end it.

And, I’m just going to throw this out there, but, if he is in the middle of getting a divorce, which has taken 3 years to file and go through, and let’s just consider that the night you and he sat down and talked all night, and he revealed and opened up to you about everything. Yet, you didn’t tell him your truth. You were not honest or forthright. And, when you and he decided to be intimate and have unprotected sex, he is dealt with a bombshell that the first woman he slept with after his wife was a woman who had Herpes and didn’t tell him. Now, how would you feel if the situation were reversed? How would you feel and how would you truly process all of this?

So, ma’am, there is some deep layered mental, emotional, and physical psychological issues that cannot be resolved in an advice letter, or in one conversation between you and he. This is going to take undoing the hurt you both have done to one another, and getting to the core of what’s underneath the hurt, pain, and anger. Again, couple’s therapy will help with this, and being in therapy to help resolve both of your issues, especially his and his treatment toward you.

I also truly feel that neither of you are in love one another, and, nor are you in love with each other. You are with each other out of regret, remorse, resentment, and obligation. If Herpes was not in play in this situation, neither of you would remain in an unhappy, miserable, and unhealthy relationship. Especially how he treats you, speaks to you, and tears you down. You remain in this relationship because you both feel obligated to be with one another due to your status. You stay because you both feel no one else will want you, and all you have is each other. You remain in this miserable and unhappy relationship and you convince yourself that he is a wonderful boyfriend that when you have good times, they are good. But, when they are bad, they are detrimental, harmful, and dangerous. He reveals the truth of how he really feels about you, and your relationship.

You can regain your voice by telling him that he can’t speak to you any type of way, and treat you any type of way. You are not going to put up with it, and neither will you allow yourself to be treated like you’re obligated to him, and should be signing his praises when he made the choice to stay. Stop feeling guilty over it, and beating yourself up. You owned up to your part and responsibility in this, therefore, he needs to own up and be responsible for his part. He could have walked away, and still has the opportunity to leave. Either he forgives and moves on, or he holds on to the resentment and regret. You don’t have to put up with this. And, you must truly recognize the difference between love and resentment. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE!

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