Dear Bossip: I'm Bisexual, She Doesn't Satisfy Me & She Left Me & I'm Sad

Dear Bossip,

This is going to be a little long so just bear with me. It’s crazy that I’m even writing to you for advice because my ex is the reason I know about this column.

So, I met my ex two years ago and immediately I knew she was different and wasn’t like other girls at all, and she’s proven that. Prior to meeting her I had experimented with my sexuality and identify as a bisexual man. I’ve experimented on and off for 8 years. And, yes, I’m bisexual and not gay.

She found out after I showed her a picture on my phone and she saw a certain dating app. After that she asked and I just told her the truth. She’s the first girl I ever dated that I was open with. She couldn’t deal at first, but eventually she decided not to judge me by my past. A few weeks later we were back on track.

She was and still is the most perfect girlfriend I’ve ever had. She’s beautiful, loyal, intelligent and on the path to success. However, after about 7 months I got bored and wanted to experience other people. I tried cheating, but got caught and she needed a break at that point. After winning her over I decided to break up with her and be single. She was both heartbroken and betrayed, but I felt it was better than cheating and explained to her that at the end of the day I was just a n***a from the streets and she was a college girl.

She then disappeared out of my life. I would text her often and she never responded. So, I started stalking her on social media daily. I was out messing with other people, but I still loved her and wanted her in my life. After a month of being broken up I was able to contact her and she finally responded. I told her I needed to see her and wound up meeting up with her. I let her know I wanted her back. She was unsure especially because I told her I still wanted to be single. She said it was all or nothing and I gave in. I thought things would go back to normal. I didn’t get my perfect relationship back.

She ended up having trust issues and would try to break up with me and then talked herself out of it. After a few months I ended up cheating again. She found out and left me. I begged her to take me back, but she didn’t and ignored me again. I went back to messing with other people, but I wasn’t happy. I still needed her and after another month we were able to talk.

She cried and told me I didn’t love her which hurt me because I do love her. I know I’ll never find someone like her and even my boys tell me I’m lucky to find someone who’s loyal, beautiful, and loves me for the real me. I tried telling her everyone cheats and that doesn’t mean I love her less. She told me that was a cop out, and eventually we gave it another shot and shortly after I cheated again.

I love her, but she can’t satisfy me. Being in my mid 20s I’m not ready to be with one person forever. She ended up leaving me again and told me that she’s done with me. She gave me a long speech after I told her I loved her, but couldn’t be committed. She told me I didn’t love her (not true).  She told me I only loved the way she made me feel, and that I was selfish and I deserve to be with the female version of myself, and she wasn’t going to do this again.

Another month has passed and I miss her. I stalk her on social media. I try texting her. I even post things to get her jealous. She finally agreed to see me again, but this time it was different. She said she needed closure and to let me know that there would be no more of us ever again. She said this to my face and I’ve never felt more broken up inside before. I couldn’t believe what she was saying. She wouldn’t even let me touch her. She was nice, but stern – Not how I expected.

After she said that I went home and couldn’t sleep or even think for two days. I was depressed. I still am depressed. I told her I know she’s my soul mate and I want to marry her and have kids with her, but just not now. But, even that didn’t suffice. She told me we could be friends one day, but she’s done with me as far as relationships go.

I know I’m always going to regret this, but what do I do because I love her? I feel like I lost my best friend and the only person who can make me happy and truly knows me. And, eventually, in a few years I want to make it work. – Confused and Depressed

Dear Mr. Confused and Depressed,

Why are you confused and depressed? I don’t get it. You know why she left you. You know why she doesn’t want to be bothered. So why are you confused? And, depressed? Why? Because she is no longer going to put up with your –ish and allow you to mistreat her on a constant basis. She decided to love herself, and put herself first, like you’ve been doing all this time! HELLO!

Sir, please leave her alone. Go about your business, do you, and let her live her life. She doesn’t deserve this, and she is better than you.

Yes, she is better than you. You’re sad. You’re pathetic. And, you’re a dog.

Three things stood out in your letter, and you need to be honest with yourself, and stop this charade of saying you love her when you don’t. You love no one but yourself. You want what you want, and because you’re claiming to be bisexual you feel as if you can have both your cake and to eat it too. You feel since you’re bisexual that a man or woman should understand that you desire to have both, and you can have both at the same time. That’s not true! Stop that bull-ish.

First off, you’ve been caught cheating on her several times. No one is going to put up with that. Yeah, she knows you’re bisexual but that doesn’t give you an excuse or reason to cheat. A cheater is a cheater. And, that is exactly what you are. You even said that you’re in your mid 20s and you don’t want to be with one person forever. Therefore, leave her alone! Date, have sex, and do you. That’s what you want anyway. So do you, boo!

Second, you said that you love her but she doesn’t satisfy you. If she doesn’t satisfy, then why be with her? Why do you want her? If someone told me that I didn’t satisfy them, then why stick around. That’s just dumb. Like she said you only want her because she is there for you emotionally and mentally. She is the first woman you told about your bisexuality, and she was the only woman to accept it. So, you feel you need to keep stringing her along, and you want to have her in your life because she knows your secret. Sorry, but she doesn’t owe you anything. It’s great you were honest with her, but you really didn’t want her. You wanted someone you could talk to, cry to, and someone to be there for you who understood your secret.

She is not your therapist. She is not your shoulder to cry on, or your emotional dumping ground. Get into therapy or find a counselor if you need someone to talk to about your sexuality, but don’t use her, or any other woman to be your sounding board. It’s not fair to the women, and it’s not fair that they have to be the brunt of your emotional and mental abuse. Yes, you are abusing them and taking advantage of them. You don’t want to be with them, you just want them to support your bull-ish of sleeping around, and allowing them to lay up with you when you feel you want some coochie. Uhm, no! Just keep it one hundred with women and let them know up front that you don’t want a monogamous relationship, and you just want a woman to sleep with every now and then.

Third, you told her that you love her, and you want to marry her and have kids, but just not now. Again, this goes back to the first reason. You only want sex. You want to run the streets and do you. You want to have multiple people you’re sleeping with, and for someone to wait on you until you’re ready. Please have several seats. No one is going to believe that bull-ish about waiting on you to get yourself together and you’re out screwing whomever you want. Besides, why should she believe that you will marry her and want to have kids and you’re bisexual? What happens when you feel like you want to be with a man? What happens when she is unable to satisfy you, and you need some d**k or some ass? Should she give you a pass, or allow you to step out of the marriage and you go do you? I’m sorry, but I don’t think any woman will allow her husband to go sleep with another man because he needs his monthly or quarterly fix.

You want your freedom, and by freedom you want to have sex with both men and women, and you want them to allow you to do your thing. But, that’s not how this works. You can’t do you and expect them to sit around and wait on you, or hope you’re going to commit to them. You can’t play with people’s emotions and feelings. If all you want is sex, then just be honest and say that. You mention in your letter you don’t want a relationship, and you want to be free to explore and do what you want you want to do. So, do that. Stop leading women and men on and telling them one thing when in actuality you want another. Yes, be honest about your bisexuality especially with women. Allow them the opportunity to determine if they want to be with a bisexual man.

Also, you can’t tell women you want to be with them but cheat. That’s not fair, and it’s foul. But you’re foul and inconsiderate anyway. Read your letter again, and take note to what you did and said to your ex-girlfriend. You didn’t treat her well. You didn’t make her feel special, and you didn’t make her feel she was in a committed and loving relationship.  And, let’s be clear – you are a cheater. You kept cheating on your ex-girlfriend and you kept expecting her to take you back. HUH? That –ish wasn’t right, and it was trifling. She is right to leave your ass, and I hope she will find a man who will love her and only want her. So, stop stalking her. Stop texting her. Stop calling her. You’ve hurt her. You’ve consistently and constantly lied to her. She’s tired and she recognizes the truth of who you are. And, you don’t love her. You only love what she can do for you, but you haven’t done anything for her. You haven’t reciprocated the respect, and loyalty she gave you. Move on. Work on you and work on being honest with yourself and everyone around you. You can be bisexual, but you can’t go around dogging and mistreating people because you want your sexual revolution. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria   Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!