Dear Bossip: We Live In Different Cities & He Won't Move To Be With Me

Dear Bossip,

So, my boyfriend and I have been together for 3 ½ years. We’ve known each other 20+ years.

We have been on and off since we were preteens. We both have children from other relationships. He has 1 child and I have 2 children.

We reconnected although we live in different parts of the state. I still have family where he lives and we visit back and forth. We’ve talked about moving in together, but there is always some reason why he couldn’t do it. Last summer I moved 300 miles away for better opportunities for myself and my kids. Our relationship has stayed strong through the miles with us both visiting.

He truly makes me happy, good and bad, and we laugh in the middle of an argument. It really is good! My issue is two-fold. On the one hand, I am madly in love, but I’m a realist and I can’t help but wonder if our relationship will be as good if/when we share the same space. I mean is part of what keeps us going the fact that we’re apart most of the time?

Which brings me to issue number 2. He’s mentioned that he’s not sure if he wants to move with me permanently! But, he’ll only say it in passing or during an argument, and when I question him about it he says that he really does want to move and that he was speaking out of anger. It’s not possible for him to come now because of our living situation so I can’t press too hard, you know?

He talks marriage all the time, but I’m nervous that when the time comes to move he’ll just balk or continue to make excuses. But, why would a man stay in this type of high-stress relationship for so long if not for love? I will mention that he’s low on money and I do help him out by giving him some. But, I’m no baller or sugar mama so it ain’t all that much. LOL!

I’m confused and I’m too old to waste time, but I’ve never loved like this and I’m afraid I’ll never find it again. I guess I’m looking for reassurance, and some real talk advice because I hate feeling like I might be that dumb chick everyone’s laughing at behind her back! – Long Distance Love

Dear Ms. Long Distance Love,

You said it at the end of your letter – “I’m confused and I’m too old to waste time….I’ve never loved like this and I’m afraid I’ll never find it again.” Therefore, you stay in this long-distance relationship with someone you know, someone you’re comfortable with because you’re afraid of what’s out there. You’re afraid to explore and date and find someone new, and you stay with what’s familiar, even if it won’t lead to anything. You would rather deal with this hopeless relationship rather than find a hopeful relationship. Despite knowing he will never leave and move to be with you, and you know in your heart he is not going to move, you remain hopeful that he will change his mind, so you stick with this because you don’t want to waste time with someone or something new.

Let’s be real – He is not going to move with you. He is not going to relocate and be the man you want him to be. He is comfortable and quite fine where he is. If he was serious about you and really wanted to be with you, then he would have done what he needed to do in order to be with you. There wouldn’t be all these years of back and forth. And, when he makes those statements in passing or in an argument that he is not sure about moving, he is being honest.

Even though you’re in the same state, and you and he visit one another, which I’m sure it is you who is doing most of the traveling and visiting, he is not going to leave his home for you. There are a few things keeping him where he is – 1.) He has no money. If he is borrowing and taking money from you, then it is clear that he doesn’t have much and he won’t be able to take care of you and your child. You didn’t mention if he had a job, or how he makes a living. And, you didn’t mention if he lives alone or with someone else. Therefore, I’m sure his living situation, and his financial situation is not up to par and he can’t travel or up and leave without it costing him some money that he doesn’t have. Besides, why are you giving a man money? No, ma’am. Stop that –ish now.

2.) You want him to uproot his life and leave his child behind. Again, you didn’t mention how and what type of relationship he has with his child, therefore, that can be another factor of why he won’t consider moving far away from his child.

3.) If he has a job, then, why would he leave his job and move with you? Maybe he isn’t sure that he will find another job where you are living. Maybe he is comfortable at his job and he doesn’t want to leave despite the fact he is not making a lot of money. At least he has a job, and it provides him some sense of security. Who knows.

4.) Are you sure he feels the same way that you do? You claim that you love him, but does he love you? Yes, he talks about marriage, but talk is not action. What has he done to show you that he is serious about you, and being committed to you? I get the feeling he enjoys his freedom, and he likes the fact that you are hundreds of miles away. Besides, he may have another woman he is seeing in his home city, and since you’re out of sight, you can also be out of mind.

You really should consider what is in the best interest of yourself and your children. This man is not serious, and he is not going to make any type of moves in the near future. You are spinning your wheels waiting on him. I get that you are afraid and you’re not sure about dating someone new. You’re not sure if it will work out, and if you will meet a man who will accept you and your children. But, you have to get out there and date and see what is out there. You are holding on to the past, and trying to make your past your future. If you stop dragging your past around, then you can see a new future of what is possible. But, it will require you letting go of what is holding you back. And, he is holding you back. Sometimes you have to step out on faith, trust the universe, and be open to new possibilities. If you don’t, then you will spend the next few years hoping, wishing, and pleading for a man to move with you when you already know he is not and will not. It’s time to move on and let him go. – Terrance Dean

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