Dear Bossip: After 11 Years He Won't Marry Me Saying We Have Work To Do

Dear Bossip,

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 11 years. We have been living together for about 9 years, and we have a 7 year old child.

We have been though many ups and downs and have managed to work though them. I have been ready to take our relationship to the next level for a number of years, but he hasn’t. I’m trying really hard not to pressure him and just be patient. We are not even engaged to be married. Over the years I have learned to deal with his attitude and ways and I’m sure he has done the same with me.

A few years ago, when my daughter was about 3 years old, I cheated on him with someone form my past. That person from my past was someone who I thought about a lot because of the way we parted. I held a lot of anger toward this person for years. I ran into him one day and it was my chance to tell him how I was feeling and how wrong he was for the way he left me. I needed the closure. I did however end up having a night of passion with this person, which, I later confessed to my boyfriend about.

When I was seeing the other guy I would often meet him for lunch dates. The secret meetings went on for about a year until one day my boyfriend decided to come surprise me and meet me for lunch. He saw me meet up with the other guy and waited around until I returned from lunch. He then called me sounding upset and I knew something was wrong. He told me that he saw me. I didn’t know what to say. I apologized to him for lying to him. I told him I lied because I knew he would not approve of the friendship or understand why I was even still friends with the person. Well, long story short, after this I realized how wrong I was. I cut off all communication with the other guy. I spoke with him and explained that our friendship may end my relationship with my boyfriend. He completely understood and wished me all the best. This happened about 3 years ago.

Now, my boyfriend says he has forgiven me for what I did and wants to move past it. However, I do not really think he has. During a heated argument last summer he mentioned it. We both said some nasty things to each other. I told him he could get out since he wasn’t paying the bills (he’s been out of work for the past year), then he told me I could get out and go live with my mother. Thank God my daughter was asleep and did not hear any of this.

The things we said to each on that day still bothers me today. We have not spoken about it and I feel like we need to. He can be very difficult and it is hard to have a serious talk with him without one of us getting angry. When we do argue, or this happens, I just shut down and nothing gets resolved. I know I hurt him by what I did. He has asked me many questions about why I did what I did. I answered whatever I feel he needs to know. I do not want to tell him the underlining reason of why I continued to try and have a relationship with this person.

Basically everything that my boyfriend is not interested in or will not do this person will do without a problem. If I want to do something or go somewhere that my boyfriend is not interested in I have to ask my mother or a friend to come along because he won’t. Even family functions. I attend whatever he asks me to, even if I’m not interested in going, because I’m there for him. I do not feel I get that in return.

He will pick and choose which functions he wants to attend based on who is throwing it. I still have family members who he never met him, however, they have seen my daughter numerous times. Things like this bother me. He has asked me if there is anything wrong with him and why did I have to do this when he feels he gives me all that I need. I do not know how to answer that question without hurting his feelings.

Fast forward to the preset. We have been doing better and working on our communication. We still need work in that department. I have told him that there are some things we need to address and talk about in order for us to move forward and he seems to be trying. I have had many thoughts about leaving him, but that’s when I’m angry. I don’t know if I will ever act on them. I think about my daughter and how she sees us as a family. I also watch them together and think about how much she will miss her father if we decide to separate. It will break her heart.

She has asked me why me and her father are not married. I don’t give her an answer. I tell her to go ask her father, which she never does. It does make me feel bad and hurt when she starts with these questions. She has been asking to be a big a sister. I wanted to have another child when she turned at least 5 year old. She is about to be 8. He tells he is ready to give her what she has been asking for, but he is not ready to get married. He says we need a lot of work before that could happen. Seems like his main focus is in the bedroom and how to make that better and I focus on everything else.

I just do not understand how he could be ready to have another child with me, but not make me his wife! – Relationship Stagnant

Dear Ms. Relationship Stagnant,

He wants to have another child, but doesn’t want to marry you. He wants to produce babies, but he doesn’t have a job. You want to be married, but you won’t tell him the truth of why you cheated. You want to be his wife, but your communication in your relationship and the work you need to do to move forward is stalled because you won’t be honest with him about your cheating, and you won’t be honest enough to tell him how you really feel about him.

You do realize that you and he are not on the same page and it’s because you and he have a bigger issue at the root that neither of you will address. You and he are not communicating about your real issues, and as a result you are in this stagnant relationship, which is never going to go anywhere, and he will never marry you. Once you confessed about your affair, and he actually caught you in the act, his ego and manhood was shattered. He keeps asking you why you did what you did, and it’s obvious he’s not satisfied with your answers and he doesn’t feel you’re telling him the truth. And, you admit that you’re not being honest. So, stop sugarcoating the truth and be frank with him. You claim you don’t want to hurt his feelings, but you’ve already done that. He’s hurt and angry. Tell him why you did what you did, and break down everything you said to me in this letter, including his non-participation with you and in getting to know your family.

But, I’m curious as to how can he talk about making another child, but not marriage? He claims you need a lot of work, but it’s okay for you to procreate and bring another child into this damaged relationship? And, how can you even think about marriage, but you won’t be honest about your cheating? You were seeing another man for an entire year, meeting in secrecy, having lunch dates, and emotionally invested in him. Only until you were caught did the affair end, and even still in this letter you talk about all the things he is willing to do for you versus what your boyfriend won’t do. You are comparing the men, and you have an infinity for the other man. You want your boyfriend to be that man, but in all honesty he will never be that man.

You’ve spent 11 years with a man waiting on him to marry you, to move forward with your relationship, and for him to change and do the things you want him to do, and all you have to show for this relationship is the child you created. What’s even more pathetic and sad is that your boyfriend has not met any of your family members in 11 years! Ma’am, he doesn’t attend any of your family events or functions, and is not interested in making any attempts in meeting any of your family members. Girl, why are you still with him? Why are you trying to move this relationship forward into a marriage?

What’s sad is that you started your letter by saying you’ve been trying to take your relationship to the next level for years, but you don’t want to pressure him so you’re just being patient. You’ve been patient for 11 years. And, during that time, you’ve waited on a man who won’t remotely show any vested interest in meeting your family, going out with you, or doing anything with you. So, you sat and waited. Eleven years have passed, and you’re still waiting. In that time of waiting you have become complacent even to the point that you are putting up with his attitude, and because you were so desperate for attention and someone to love you that you struck up a relationship with an ex.

Everything you’ve done indicates that you don’t want to be there. And, if you don’t want to be there, then leave!

Stop making the excuse that your child will be heartbroken, and you don’t want to end this relationship because you want your daughter to have a family. Sweetie, you are not a family. Her father doesn’t attend any family events, and he doesn’t even know her uncles, aunts, or grandparents. HELLO!

And, if he isn’t working, and you’re arguing and during the heated exchange you tell him to leave, but he turns and tells you to leave and go stay with your mother, uhm, girl, how is he putting you out and you take care of all the bills? You know what, pack all your –ish, your child’s things, and any of the bills that are in your name then you get them turned off and move on with your life. Let his ass sit in the dark, with no cable, and no food. If you have to move in with your mother, then at least you will be saving money and not footing all the bills and taking care of a grown ass man who hasn’t worked in a year. You can save your money and get something more affordable for you and your child, and you will have a peaceful, loving, quiet, and joyous home with your child. And, while you’re at it, take him to family court, get full custody of your child, and put him on child support. I bet he will start showing up to family events then. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

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