Dear Bossip: I Want A Relationship & He Said Not Now, He Wants A Playmate

Dear Bossip,

My ex and I broke up about 6 months ago. Recently he came to me and told me that I have always been on his mind and he misses and loves me.

However, when I told him before I wanted a relationship he was too scared.  He wants to know what I want.  I told him that I want a boyfriend to share my time and life with.  He said that he wants a playmate and I said that wasn’t good enough.  I asked him if he would be that man for me and he said not right now.  I told him that I was not playing the not right now thing, and there wouldn’t be a door open.  I also said that I would accept nothing from him except that he wanted to be that man for me and to give him time to figure it out together.  He said if that is the way it has to be.  He also said he sees potential in me, but isn’t sure how to approach it or if that’s the direction he wants to go.  He desperately wants to still be a part of my life, but I said I would accept nothing less than what I said.

Which statement should I believe?  That he doesn’t want to be that man for me or that it really is something he isn’t ready for right now?  Should I ignore them both and keep walking, maintain my line in the sand, and refuse to let him in my life at less than I deserve or want from him?  Am I being too harsh by cutting off any friendship of any kind?

I know he could have been a love of my life, and that there was a great chance and may still be a great chance for a relationship in the future if he chooses he is ready for that.  Any advice on what I should do moving forward, since we have mutual friends and mutual hang outs and will see each other. He has said physically I am a 10 to him and he can’t resist me.  This is not the first time he has come back saying he wanted to be with me and my having to tell him what he was offering wasn’t enough.  I can’t say I want to completely close the door, but how do I maintain my standards without giving in to him? – He Says Not Now

Dear Ms. He Says Not Now,

Girl, he said that he doesn’t want to be in a committed relationship with you. BELIEVE HIM! He wants you as his playmate, his booty call, his side and available p***y when he wants it.  Basically, what he wants is to continue to play the field because he is not sure he really wants to settle down with you, and, because he doesn’t want to close off all his options. He likes you, enjoys your ‘bedside’ company, and likes having sex with you, but he isn’t sure you’re the woman for him. Therefore, move on. Don’t ever allow yourself to be someone’s option.

And, he basically called you an option, a consideration, a choice. He said to you that he sees the potential in you. Honey, you should have slapped the –ish out of him. The hell is he talking about he sees the potential in you. Potential what? Girlfriend? Wife? Life partner? He is saying to you that you don’t have all the qualities he wants in a woman, but you have potentiality. Like I tell all you women, never date the potential in a man. You don’t date someone’s potential, and he is telling you that he is not willing to settle down and date the potential in you.

So, no, you don’t wait on him. You don’t sit around waiting on a man to figure out if he wants to be with you, yet, he wants to continue to sleep with you while you are on hold though he’s already told you that he doesn’t want a relationship, and all he wants is for you to be available to keep sleeping with him. No! No! No!

He doesn’t want to be in a monogamous relationship with you. He doesn’t see you as his future, no future wife, future girlfriend, or future partner. He is not even willing to invest in a relationship with you. He won’t even give you the possibility of dating. He simply wants to keep having sex with you. And, as you were so happy to point out he considers you a 10 physically, and he can’t resist you. However, he’s grading you like some piece of meat, as if some value of 10 is worth anything, and you were so excited to be measured on a scale and getting a rating of 10. You are more than that. Don’t let him degrade you or measure your worth, your body, and your looks based on some empty number. The fact remains he doesn’t want you. If you are a 10, then what man doesn’t want a woman who is a 10? Obviously, you’re not that appeasing to him.

Move on. Block him and his number. He only keeps coming back because you allow him. Stop giving him access to you and your life. So what you may run into him at the same hang out spots and that you have mutual friends. You don’t owe him anything. You can be cordial. But, you don’t have to give in to his solicitations, or advances. Say hello, and keep it moving. Know your worth and value and stick to them. You are more than being some man’s play thing or sex buddy. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria   Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!