Dear Bossip: His Ex Won't Let Him See His Kids & It Is Affecting Our Relationship

Dear Bossip,

First off, I’ll start by saying that my relationship with my boyfriend is amazing. He’s very caring and does a lot for me and my 4 year old daughter from my previous marriage.

We are truly best friends and talk about marriage all the time. I’m 27 and he’s 39 years old. I love him more than anyone I’ve ever been with. He’s (in my eyes) everything I’ve ever wanted in a mate and husband. He’s smart, successful, funny, caring, providing, etc. We’ve been in a relationship for 6 months, but I have known him for about a year and a half and he’s always been a wonderful guy.

His ex wife left him about two and a half years ago and has been making his life hell in regards to his freedom (she’s gotten him locked up numerous times, falsely), and the two children they have together. She’s gotten a restraining order on him so he cannot see his children or even contact her, but she has been texting him and calling him even though she has this restraining order against him. In the texts she says she wants him to respond because she wants him to go to jail. Of course his lawyer has told him under no circumstance is he to answer her back and he hasn’t.

When he first told me what was going on, I was doubtful of what he was telling me because there is always two sides to every story. Until I saw what was happening with my own two eyes. I have seen her text him stupid things like she’s gonna make sure he’s broke forever, he’ll never see his kids again, she can’t wait for him to fail in life, and things like that. She even finds the stupidest reason to text him, like saying she’s going on a vacation in April of 2016 and needs him to watch the kids that week. That’s almost a whole year from now! But, you get the point.

Three months into our relationship he introduced me to his children. They are very sweet and we all had a blast hanging out together. Once the children returned home to their mother, of course they told her they met daddy’s girlfriend. Since then, things have intensified a bit. She texted him saying the kids like me and they need to call me Miss (stupid and petty in my opinion, but they are her children and I’m not going to get in the way of her parenting.) Of course my boyfriend can’t respond due to the restraining order. But, we started to see things change. She started letting him see his children more and we thought that was great.

But, one of his friends put this idea in my head. The only reason why she’s letting him see his kids more is because she knows that he won’t have much time to be around me because for the most part, when he has his children he does things alone with them, which is perfectly fine with me, because we’ve only been together for 6 months and I’m sure it must be difficult for the children to see their dad with another woman even though as I said, when we did meet we had a blast. He has a little girl who is 10 and a boy who is 7 years old. She has texted him things like, the kids don’t want to be around me or my daughter. The children and my daughter have met once and had a great time together even though my daughter is a bit younger than them (she’s 4 years old).

About 2 months ago, the ex wife texted him and asked him if he could watch the kids for a week and pick them up from school. His mom responded for him since he isn’t supposed to have contact with her or the kids, and said of course he would watch them for the week. Once they went back home to her, she got into an argument with his mom because his mother wants to know why she keeps harassing her son and why she won’t drop the restraining order especially if she needs him sometimes to watch the children. All hell broke loose. The ex wife then said that he could no longer see his children and has stuck to this promise. He hasn’t seen his children for two months now and it’s been making him very depressed. It’s gotten to the point where he doesn’t really see me that much anymore (MAYBE twice a week) because he says he’s depressed.

I don’t want to seem like I don’t understand that because I can see why he would be depressed about that. But, it’s killing me. I’ve talked to him about it and he says I don’t know how he feels because I have my daughter every day. I’m trying to be sensitive about it, but I have needs too. And, I know if I was depressed I would want to be around him even more because he makes me so happy, but he says he just needs to be alone when he’s depressed. He used to be very happy and fun, but now he’s turning into a shell of a person because he’s so depressed. He just stays in his bed all day. We talk on the phone a lot throughout the day, but it’s not good enough for me. I want to be with him. Hug him. Kiss him. Try to make him feel better by doing nice things for him, but he’s not having it. He has some good days but for the most part he’s very upset.

I love him so much and I don’t want to leave him, but it’s killing me that he’s like this now. And it’s killing me that his ex has this type of control over him to make him so depressed and use his kids as pawns. I’ve told him to go to court and show them the texts she’s been sending and try to get the restraining order removed, and, possibly get joint custody of his kids so he doesn’t have to worry about what makes his ex wife happy just so she won’t keep the kids away from him, but it just seems like he’s too depressed and tired to do anything like that.

I know you have to stick by your partner through hard times, but I’m feeling neglected and alone. He still tells me he loves me so much and he’s going to marry me all the time. What should I do? I’ve told him this is killing me too now and I feel lonely and he says, “Sorry, but this is how I get when I’m depressed.”  Should I cut him off and give him time to get this situation fixed with his ex wife? Or should I just ride out the storm with him? – His Ex-Wife Is Destroying Our Relationship

Dear Ms. His Ex-Wife Is Destroying Our Relationship,

I understand that it may feel as if he is slipping away from you because you are accustomed to being with him all the time, and you are used to him being physically, emotionally, and mentally present for you. But, because he is depressed about how his ex-wife is using his children against him, and he has resorted to pushing everyone who loves him away, you feel he will eventually push you away as well.

Well, all I can tell you is to relax. Let him be in his feelings and emotions during this time. He is probably tired, frustrated, and at the end of his rope. He made a good point that you have your daughter every day so you don’t know what it feels like to have your child/ren uprooted and taken from you, especially by someone you used to love and be married to at one point.

Yes, you have needs, and I understand you want his attention and company, but he is not available for any type of emotional or physical intimacy. He wants his kids. So, even if you and he were physically together, and you are kissing on him and hugging him, he will still feel the same way. He will still be upset and depressed. And, though he would be physically present, he would be emotionally and mentally distant. Besides, you’re not his mother and he is not a child. Kissing him and hugging him is not going to make what he feels go away. He needs solutions and answers on how to get his kids, how to have a healthy relationship with his ex-wife, and how to prevent this from happening so that he won’t be at her beck and call.

And, yes, he should take the texts and share them in court. He should send them to his lawyer and figure out a way he can get shared custody of his children. His ex-wife is being silly, childish, and immature. She is bitter and angry over something, and she is taking it out on him and the children.

What neither of you are seeing is that he is still in a relationship with his ex-wife. Though, not intimately, but as parents, they are still in a relationship. They have gotten to the point where they are acting like bitter exes who are fighting over something that happened years ago and they can’t seem to let each other go and move on. They have this dramatic relationship with her finally feeling as if she is in control and can dictate to him. She is lashing out, and he feels helpless because he can’t respond due to the restraining order. She’s bullying him, and she is going to use every tactic she can to get under his skin because she is upset about something.

Unfortunately, their relationship is unhealthy, and what is really sad is that his children are in the middle of this. They are witnessing and experiencing all of this play out between their parents. And, what is also sad, is that they are still young, so he has a number of years to deal with her and her mess. You have to really consider and ask yourself if this is something you want to deal with for the next 10 years? Do you really want to deal with her threats, her anger, her drama, and her silliness because she can’t seem to be an adult and co-parent with her children’s father? You and he are talking about marriage, but before he gets married he needs to handle this situation with his ex-wife. He has got to get this in order before he can move on and start a new life. Otherwise, you will inherit all this drama and mess, and, he will become one of those fathers who will have nothing to do with his child/ren and they will grow up to resent him.

You can either continue to support him, be there for him, and talk with him to provide encouragement. Or, you can give him the space he needs to deal with this issue and get it under control. Regardless, his ex-wife will always be an integral part of your relationship because of their children. She’s already trying to dictate how they engage and interact with you. He needs to figure this out, and be more proactive in dealing with this issue. He has to step up and stop pandering to her. Otherwise, she will continue to sabotage him, and your relationship. Give him the space he needs, and continue to support him, but don’t get caught up in their drama. He needs to work things out with her. – Terrance Dean

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