Dear Bossip: He's With Her For Business, But I'm The Side Chick With His Baby

Dear Bossip,

Almost 3 years ago I started dating my man, and he’s my 2^nd baby daddy.

At the time things seemed perfect. He’s a good man who took care of me. After a few months of being together and still not seeing his house I started thinking that he might have a woman he lived with. He claimed that he lived with his momma, as he was on parole at the time, and that she was crazy so it was better that I didn’t go over there.

One time, I got a text message from someone saying “I found your number in my man’s phone,” but I didn’t respond. We were together a lot, not as much as I wanted because he still had to mostly sleep at his parole address, but things were good. A few more months went by and he showed up one day with all of his stuff packed up and he moved in. I was so happy I thought we were moving forward and really in love.

During this time he was frequently gone out of state working and sometimes I couldn’t reach him so my trust of him started to wane. I started going through his phones and found messages from other women, but he assured me it was all business related and that he really wanted to be with me, so I let it slide because men will be men and sometimes and you just have to let things go when you have a good man.

Fast forward and we’ve been together almost a year when I find messages from some chick saying she’s pregnant. This girl was clearly crazy and at first I thought she was just some ho trying to do it for attention, but his messages back didn’t seem like he was telling her what he was telling me about the situation. His messages seemed like he was good with her being pregnant. I confronted him and felt like he was lying. I called the chick and she didn’t give me any information nor ask me anything, but said that I shouldn’t call her again. Later, he admitted that she was someone he’d messed with and told her to have an abortion because he really wanted to be with me. But, honestly, from her messages it seemed like she was the one who didn’t want it saying things like, “I’m not just gonna be some baby momma.”

It took some time, but we seemed to get past it, except that suddenly when he was in town he was gone all day and more and more at night. I got pregnant and we decided to have the baby. He seemed good with it and for a little while things seemed to get better. Until, one day, I got a message from a woman claiming to be his wife saying that they had been separated, but they had recently gotten back together. He had just paid to move them into a new house, and she had a feeling he was hiding a child and wanted to get things out into the open if that’s what the situation was. Mind you he always lived in my place and had never even discussed moving into something bigger even though I already had one child and we were expecting one together.

Well, he was right there with me when I got this message and denied being married and said that the chick messaging me was just a business situation. I didn’t respond until the next day and asked who she was and asked for proof of their marriage. She refused to give me anything, but said they had been together for years and had just gotten back together after being separated. He told me she was just crazy, but didn’t want to mess up the business situation, so he told me not to tell her I was pregnant.

Well, a few months go by and he got a new car, but he put it in the girl’s name because she had good credit. I felt like it was good for us so I wasn’t bothered by it, after all, I knew the situation and I was the one having his baby. But, when he stopped coming straight back to our house when coming in from out of town I started feeling some type of way. He started spending more and more nights gone telling me he was taking care of business or needing space because we fought more. I got fed up one night I sent the girl a message and she didn’t respond, but he called me and said that I was messing up his business situation and he didn’t come home.

Well, I guess this chick went through his phone one night when they were out of town together and she found out that I was pregnant so she left him there! What kind of woman does that? He got back and he tried to go pick up his clothing, car, and stuff from “her” house and she called the police on him! Just messy! I feel like she was just mad that he wanted to be with me and we were having a baby. Apparently, even though he always claimed it was “her” house it was really their house together and he was the one paying all the bills for the house and her.

I found messages from her saying that she didn’t care about the house or any of the material things and that he couldn’t come back. In fact, she gave the landlord notice and ended the lease. How stupid! I also found messages of her saying he couldn’t buy his way back in and that she wasn’t going to have “ghetto twins” and was aborting their baby. Yes, she was pregnant too! His messages to her seemed like he wanted to get back together. He said he was just begging her to take him back, offered to move them into a whole new house and buy her a new car, just so he could get his property and get the car back that was in her name. I believed him because she just seemed like the mad jealous type.

A few more weeks and he seemed to be fighting with this girl on the phone all the time. She filed a police report for harassment and filed a temporary restraining order against him. Finally, one day, we were laying in bed and I just got tired of listening to them argue and took the phone and told her she was welcome to come over and bring his stuff to our house. This ho had the audacity to laugh and ask why I was even on the phone with her, like she wasn’t arguing with my man for hours while he was laying right next to me. She needed to know her place. I won’t lie she seemed like she thought the whole situation was funny when I told her I knew all about her and said that the side chick always know about the wife, and, that I know to stay in my lane. But, she hadn’t known about me and she felt sorry for me and that I was stuck with him having a baby.

I know he tried to get some of his stuff back after that, but I thought now that she really knew what was up she’d be a woman about it and move on. He’s always said she’s just a business situation, but that he really wants to be with me. For a while everything seemed to be going well, except Valentine’s Day and he had a business trip come up and come to find out she was with him. This girl just won’t go away. I had our baby and he was out of town at the time, but has been a good father. He’s always home at night when he’s not out of town. At least that’s what I thought. But, every time I think things are good I find messages in his phone between the two of them and it seems like there’s more to the story.

Well, over the summer come to find out he gave this girl some money, a lot of money more than ten thousand dollars. Recently, I found messages from her saying he couldn’t move into her house AND she was telling him that if she wanted to trap him with a baby, which is what I think she really wants, she could have done so many times already. Which means she’s had multiple abortions. What kind of woman does that? I know she doesn’t have other kids. She sends him a message saying that she didn’t want a man who could be bought for a section 8 apartment anyway (which is what I have). I feel like he’s playing me for a fool and there’s so much more to the story than he’s telling me.

I think he loves her and really would have stayed with her if she hadn’t left him after finding out about our baby. I think he’s in love with her and she doesn’t really want him, so he’s settling for me, even though he denies this and says he wants his family. I just find it strange that she was just a business situation, but felt comfortable calling herself his wife and knew his family even though I didn’t before the baby came. Apparently, his mother found out about the pregnancy from her NOT him. I love him, and I want her to go away, and I want us to work. What should I do to make him understand that he’s mine and he doesn’t want her? – Just Want My Man

Dear Ms. Just Want My Man,

Wait, wait, wait a freaking a minute! Hold the hell up!

He was on parole. Yet, he’s traveling out of town for business. He’s buying houses for another woman. He got a car in her name. He has given her thousands of dollars. But, he stays with you most of the time in a section 8 apartment. Wait….he was in prison, yet, he is working and going out of town frequently for business, and has thousands of dollars to give to some woman, and buy her a house. What type of job does he have? You know what. Never mind. I already know. SMDH!

You are the side chick who is quite comfortable in her situation and lane as the side chick. And, you know about the other women hitting him up, and this one woman in particular who may or may not be his wife that he has reconnected with. He spends a lot of time with her, and he is going back and forth between you and her, and you have no problem with it. But, you are in your feelings because you feel that he is your man. Now, sweetie, if you know you are the side chick, and you are complaining about the main chick, then, I don’t understand why you mad! You know your lane. You said so in your letter. Why are you mad that she is in the picture? Why are you mad his business situation with her is having her call him, demand things, and he is complying with it?

But hold up, you said they were out of town together and she found messages in his phone from you about your pregnancy, and she left him there. And, you’re asking what type of woman does that. Well, obviously a woman who has the house and car in her name, and the woman he continues to give money to. She left his ass right there, and came home. And, he’s still hitting her up and they still have a business situation.

You weren’t complaining when he got her a house, and put a car in her name. You said the car it didn’t matter to you. You live in section 8 housing, yet, he got her a house. He didn’t upgrade you, nor has he even thought about giving you any of those thousands of dollars, or making you his number one lady, or his main woman. He still treats you like the side chick, and you happily oblige with your position. So, again, why are you complaining about a man you are sharing with another woman, and you and she are fighting over him when neither of you are making him accountable for his actions? At least she is getting something out of it. You are getting nothing but some steady sex, and a man coming to your house every now and then. When he and her are fighting and falling out, guess what, he spends the majority of the time with you. When you and he are fighting, then guess what, he spends the majority of the time with her. He lies to you about going out of town, when in actuality he is with her. You found that out. He spends nights away, and is gone a lot, but guess where he is, with her! Yes, he is lying to you, and continues to lie to you.

He is not your man. He is not your husband. You are not in a relationship. You know this. You began your letter saying you had a baby by a man you were dating and he is your second baby daddy. You have never been to his house because he claimed his mother was crazy. HUH? That doesn’t even make sense. You don’t know anyone in his life. You have a baby by a man and your only interaction is with him. You don’t know his friends. You don’t know his family. You are an incidental side piece living in section 8 housing. You aren’t that bright. You are fighting with another woman, and you’re sharing community d**k. You let a man use you, and lay up in your house while he is taking care of another woman, and also mistreating her. Lo and behold, he is doing the same thing to you. But, you don’t care because you’d rather have a piece of a man than no man at all. You have a baby by him and claim he is a good father, but how? You’re not in a relationship. He is in and out of your life, and is spending time with another woman. He is not a good person so how can he be a good father? Girl, you have a lot of growing up to do. You are lost and don’t even know you’re lost. Your internal GPS system is out of service, and your life is out of service. There is nothing I can really tell you because you’re happy with what you have and what you got. You won’t change, and you demand better for yourself, so how can you demand better of this man? You’re all some bird brains, and just basic. I feel sorry for your children because they will only see and repeat your behavior. They will repeat this cycle, and I wonder what would you tell your daughter if she was in a similar situation as you, and was some man’s side chick. And, what would you tell your son if he treated women the way that your child’s father treats women. – Terrance Dean

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