Dear Bossip: I Dated A Woman Who Was Separated & They Reconciled & She Left Me

Dear Bossip,

I’ve been in a relationship with a separated woman for four and half years.

When I met her she was already close to 2 years in the separation, but had dated before me which was a disaster. Anyway, we got along well and everything was fine outside of normal ups and downs in a relationship. We’re both in our early 40s and I have 2 kids. She doesn’t have any.

She got along with my family perfectly and was like a stepmom to my kids.

Over time I kind of strayed away from asking her when her divorce would be final. Her husband lived in another city, a couple hours away, and I knew that they remained friends, but neither pursued the divorce. Once she finally pursued it they realized that they never really worked on their marriage. So, basically she chose to let me go and be with her husband, but she still wants me in that “friend zone” area without any emotional or sexual interactions. She says I’m dear and special to her and if it doesn’t work out she will find me, but she doesn’t expect me to wait on her.

I’m devastated over all of this. It’s the worst pain ever. She stills says its hard and painful for her and the choice she made. I have no clue what to do and no desire to date anyone as I have a lot of healing to do. We became best friends and lovers, and knowing she’s back with him is killing me, but it’s nothing I can do. ANY ADVICE IS SOLELY NEEDED. THANK YOU. Should I let it go or wait it out and let her find her true heart? – Brokenhearted

Dear Mr. Brokenhearted,

You are going to have to take the time to heal, and eventually you will need to move on. Waiting on a married woman as she works on her marriage will only keep you in waiting, and you’ll never heal your heart, your mind, or your emotions. For your own sanity, you have to start the process of letting her go, and moving forward without her.

For four and half years she led you on. She kept you around as her in-between man. You were the rebound. Notice that she was separated, and before she met you she dated another man, which you state was a horrible experience, and in steps you – her savior. Her Mr. Do Right man. You were her rebound man, her fix me man, her save me man. So, to help her heal and move forward from two disasters, her separation, which was a failed relationship, and her first dating experience, which was another failure, you became her rebound man who helped her at a time when she was vulnerable and lonely. She needed someone to fix her, and save her, and that is exactly what you did.

And, instead of pushing her about her divorce, and inquiring about her friendship with her husband, you gave her space. You didn’t want to disturb the groove, or push her emotionally because you probably feared she would walk away, and she would leave you. So, instead of rocking the boat, you didn’t say anything.

Now, for four and half years you let this go on. You allowed this relationship to stay as it was without demanding anything or wanting anything. And, you couldn’t ask for anything because basically you were dating a married woman. Yes, sir, you were in a relationship with a woman who was still married, and still friends with her husband. Ask yourself if that was healthy? Ask yourself if that a smart thing to do on your part? Ask yourself if you should have stopped pursuing her once you learned she was separated? I don’t care how long she was separated when you met her, the fact remains that she was married.

Therefore, you made the mistake of investing into a relationship that never really could have gone anywhere. You poured into her, and into a relationship thinking you had met the woman of your dreams. Then, lo and behold, once she and her husband start discussing finalizing their divorce, they come to the realization that they didn’t really give their marriage a try. Basically, they took a five year break. Now, you’re upset and hurt because she chose her husband, and tells you that whatever you and she had is no longer or anymore. She doesn’t want any emotional or physical interaction between you and her. She’s put you in the friend zone. She then tells you that you are special and dear to her, and if things doesn’t work out she will find you, but that she does not expect you to wait on her. She is helluva melodramatic. This is not a damn Hallmark or Lifetime movie. But, what she did was very telling of her personality. She was never in it for the long haul with you. She had never fully invested in you or your relationship. You were something to do until she figured out what she really wanted, and what she really wanted was her husband. You were just the unfortunate guy who fell for her, and the one she took advantage of to help her deal with her emotions.

Look, I get it, you are hurt and angry and upset. You spent four and half years with her and wanted something for the long haul. You gave her your heart, mind, and soul. Now, you don’t know what to do because she up and left you without any remorse. How could she do this to you? Right? Sir, she went back to her husband. That thought should have always been in the back of your mind. She was not divorced. She had not moved on herself. He always lingered in the picture, and you never demanded or expected her to move forward with the divorce. This is why folks should never date or get involved with someone who is married, regardless if they are separated. THE POINT REMAINS THAT THEY ARE STILL MARRIED, AND, THERE IS ALWAYS THE CHANCE THEY WILL RECONCILE WITH THEIR SPOUSE. Take this as a lesson learned. Start the healing process, and work you and your heart. Deal with your emotions, and put things into perspective. She left you. She made her choice. She wasn’t invested in you. She wasn’t invested in a relationship or long term life with you. Pick up the pieces and start over again. If you keep harping on what was, what could have been, and why she left you, then, you’re only punishing yourself. She’s gone, sir. Let her go and move on. – Terrance Dean

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