He Has 2 Baby Mommas, Is In Debt, But I Want Someone On My Level

Dear Bossip,

I am a 28 year old woman and professional educator.

I recently bought a house all on my own after moving out of my parent’s house and am building a life and community in the place where I work. After watching my parents struggle financially and sacrifice for us kids, I am really big on building Black wealth through entrepreneurial and other avenues and I want a life partner as serious about that objective as well.

I’ve been dating a guy for 3 months and he is amazing, caring and he adores me – such a change from the financially savvy butt ass whorish guy I stopped dealing with last year. Problem: New dude is 2 years younger than me; has two kids with two different baby’s mothers; is doing a job he hates and wants to get out of; has admitted he is bad with money (duh); and has racked up a little debt (20K). By comparison I have no kids, am in my dream career, am great with money and thus have no debt besides my mortgage – which is an investment.

I don’t want to be THAT superficial girl cuz this guy treats me better than any guy I’ve ever met, but I am ambitious and have high aspirations for myself. I work damn hard and want a man who can take care of me and any kids we have. I fear that dealing with this man will set me back in my path for financial security and the lifestyle I aspire. So, I haven’t slept with him cuz I don’t want to get in too deep – although we’ve fooled around and let’s just say the sexual chemistry is definitely there.

As a Black woman I am fully aware that our Black men face all kinds of intersectional oppression and discrimination when it comes to employment and financial mobility. So, finding a financially secure young, Black man may be a challenge. Are my standards unrealistic? Should I just enjoy the sexcapade for a time and stop neurotically over-thinking things? What should I do? – Love, Sex or Money

Dear Ms. Love, Sex or Money,

Girl, if you don’t get your ass out of this already doomed relationship. The hell is wrong with you!?!

And, hell to the no, you should  not engage in a sexcapade with him. Why? What for? You want to be another one of his baby momma’s? Girl, SMDH….the insanity that some of you women insist on creating for yourselves is beyond me.

He has two baby momma’s, is not financially savvy, has nearly 20k in debt, and he’s in a dead-end job that he hates. Now, from what you stated in the beginning of your letter, “I am really big on building Black wealth through entrepreneurial and other avenues and I want a life partner as serious about that objective as well.” Uhm, sweetie, if this man is not on the same page as you, does not have the same goals, objectives, or desires, then why are you dating him? What is there to consider with him? What possible future do you think you can have with a man who already has two children by two different women, is in debt, not good with money, and has a job that he hates? Please, please, please tell me what is so appealing about him? Is it because of what you said in that he treats you better than any guy you ever met? Uhm, girl, why wouldn’t he treat you better than any other guy? You have great credit, a secured financially rewarding career, and you own your home. Of course he would want to settle down with you. You’re the perfect catch, the perfect catch to destroy your credit, your financial bank account, and move in your house with you and bring his children over on the weekends so you can play momma and watch them. HELL NO!!! This is not how this works! Get out of this relationship now, today, immediately!

I really don’t understand how some of you women will go from worse to even worst, and think that the even worst is better than the original worse. How can you package this guy up to be better than any other guy you met? Please explain how? He’s nearly 20k in debt, and is not good with money. Now, let’s do some basic math and arithmetic: If he has two kids by two different women, then, wouldn’t you think that he is on child support, which increases his debt value to more than 20k, which I think he is lying about. He is probably more in debt but gave that number to sound like it was not that much. If he is on child support, then he is not bringing in too much money, thus, he is a financial liability. Why would you incur an unnecessary debt? What is wrong with you? Again, how is he a better potential mate?

And, why are you making excuses for him talking about, “As a Black woman I am fully aware that our Black men face all kinds of intersectional oppression and discrimination when it comes to employment and financial mobility. So, finding a financially secure young, Black man may be a challenge.” What does that have to do with him having two kids by two different baby mommas? That is his choice that he made. That has nothing to do with the oppression and discrimination. Girl, are you freaking kidding me? He chose to lay up, go raw dog, and produce babies with two different women. Are you working on being a third? And, the job he has is the job he applied for. It is the job he accepted. He negotiated for that job with the salary offered. Thus, if he hates his job so much, then why not look for employment elsewhere, or take his ass back to school, and make himself more marketable for a career where he can be financially secure. And, how does him incurring 20k in debt becomes oppression and discrimination toward him as a black man? Unless that 20k is from student loans, or a bad investment in a home, or some logical reason for which he invested in himself, then how does that become anyone else’s problem? You’re making excuses for a man that you’ve known for barely 3 months. Please stop it.

I hope you will invest in more common sense and not just focus on how much money you got, your great career, the house you own, and the material things you can get for yourself, and you neglect yourself spiritually or fail to use the basic common sense you have. If you have your –ish together, and you are able to create a financially secure life, including investing in yourself, then why is it so difficult or an unexpected reality to want that from a partner, a man, a man who is responsible, financially secure, competent, good with money, intelligent, smart, has his own house, can take care of you, and not have several children by several different women?  Yes, there are men out there who are like this. You can’t just take settle for less and hope for the best. Why? You owe yourself more than that. You are worth more than that. Stop being thirsty. Stop being horny. Stop being lustful. Yes, the sexual chemistry is there. He is no fool. Why would he pass you up when you have all the trappings? Girl, stop being so damn naïve and wake your ass up. He is a liability. He will destroy your credit, your finances, and will move into your house and expect you to pay all the bills, take care of him, and help him out when he’s short on money. NO! NO! NO! He is not worth it. Take the time to continue to work on you, build your life, your finances, and your portfolio. Become a mogul and you will attract a mogul. What’s sad is that even though you think with financial literacy, you still have a poverty mindset. Your focus is investing in a man who can do absolutely nothing for you. You have increased wealth, but want to engage with a bankrupt man. He is bankrupt financially, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. Girl, bye! – Terrance Dean

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