Dear Bossip: Why Does He Keep Going Back To Her When I'm The Better Choice?

Dear Bossip,

I met my current boyfriend at the age of 17. I’m now 24 years old. We have a beautiful 4 year old daughter together.

When she was 2 years old we broke up. I kept finding out he was cheating on me, and his mother kept telling me that his father also does dirt, but ultimately she’s the one winning because she had the ring. His family was like my family, when I found out I was pregnant my family disowned me. I was on a volleyball scholarship and my mother was so upset with me. So, I moved in with him and his family. His mother was the biggest reason why I stayed, until I finally realized that’s HIS mother! No matter what he does, she will always have his back! I finally left, met someone else and so did he.

My other relationship did not work. He could not understand that my child came first! Me and my daughter’s father were in a good place. We were back to being best friends. We eventually tried to make it work again when he told me the girl he was with is pregnant. At first no one believed her. She plays a lot of games, but a DNA test proved it was his. He immediately tried to help with the baby, but every time she knew we were together she would call him over and over.

One day, we were at the movies and after we left the movies he had 119 missed calls from her stating their baby was in the hospital. He ran to the hospital to find out OF COURSE she was lying. It reached the point to where I couldn’t take it anymore. She would just pop up at his house and say she had nowhere to go and needed somewhere to stay. He said that he did not know what to do, and asked could I leave his house because it was not fair to her. I was so hurt because she’s such a liar, but I figured he had to do what he had to for his child. Until he started doing more for her child then ours. She kept threatening to put him on child support, so we had an agreement. I would put him on child support, but would only ask for what he’s already paying for our daughter’s school. Until, one day, I came over to pick up my daughter and he was in the bed with her, WHILE MY DAUGHTER WAS THERE! I flipped! He said that she doesn’t want her child around me, and now she and I have a protective order against each other. When we went to court for child support I felt like our deal was off. The court made him pay $650. He was initially paying $450. His family cussed me out. They will no longer see my daughter unless I take him off child support. It’s been a huge mess! With all that being said, we still find a way back to each other. His family still wants nothing to do with me though.

His son is now a year old and he calls me constantly. He comes to my house, and invites me to his. He says she’s no longer allowed at his house, and he goes to pick the baby up from her. He said he made a mistake and now realizes he ruined his family, better yet I ruined our family because I initially left to begin with. Deep down I’m still really hurt, but I’ve grown to love his son. I keep him all the time, but I still feel really stupid. I understand that then we were kids. We were only 17 years old. But, can I trust that he’s changed?

He recently applied for joint custody of their child because she threatens him constantly about moving away because they can’t be together. She also texts me saying she will forever be his child’s chick and get it whenever she wants. Sometimes I just feel like is this really worth it? I want nothing but to keep my family together, but at what cost?

I recently graduated from college. I’m now going for my masters. I have the job of my dreams, and sometimes I feel like I don’t need him! Deep down I don’t even think I’m in love with him anymore. The drama is just so overwhelming. I still felt like he chose her over me. She doesn’t work, and she dropped out of school! She has nothing! Yet, he kept running back to her and kept sleeping with her. Is something wrong with me? I can’t help but feel that way. My family says he’s made me so self-conscious. I’m starting to think I’m just not happy with myself. What’s a girl to do? – Where To Turn

Dear Ms. Where To Turn,

Why are you comparing yourself to her? Why are you competing with her? Are you trying to win something by being better than her, and showing how much more you got? So what you have an education, a dream job, and doing your thing, and the other woman has nothing….well, she got your man! He keeps running back and forth between the both of you. And, if you keep taking him back, then what does that say about you? How can you pit yourself as being better than her when you keep allowing him back into your bed? Obviously you are just as low as she is. And, what is the prize in taking him back? Is he a prize? Please explain what you and this other woman are fighting over? In what way is he something worth fighting over? You’ve lost yourself, your sanity, and your self-worth to a man who has destroyed your relationship with his family, and your relationship with your own family. Do you want him to ultimately destroy you? SMDH!

Why can’t you just walk away, continue to co-parent, and have nothing to do with him? The relationship is over! Stop trying to recreate, and rehash an old relationship. He’s pitting two women against each other, and you women are fighting like the birds you are over some basic random dude who ain’t –ish. And, just like his mother said, he is very much like his father who does dirt, but she is bragging about how she ultimately got the ring. So, is it a ring you want? You want to end up like his mother, and brag about how you put up with a dirty dog ass man just to brag and boast you won and got a ring? Girl, bye! You already stated that his mother will have his back regardless, which means she is going to put up with his bull-ish, just like his father, even if it’s at the expense of destroying you. His family doesn’t care about you, and they are mad at you (basically his mother) because you put him on child support, and got an upgrade on it. Why do you care? UGH!

You women brag about your education, great careers, and being independent, yet, you still have bird brains. You do basic common –ish with these men, and allow them to run all over you and your lives, and you will fight with other women simply because you don’t want anyone else to have him. And, these men can play on your emotions, your feelings, and your destroy your lives, and continue to play and pit you women against each other, even while he continues to sleep with both you, and he will even add a third and fourth woman in the mix, but you keep wondering why he won’t settle down with you, make you the wife, and build a family with you. LMBAO!

You are no better than the other women, despite their education, despite what they don’t have, and despite that they can’t see him for what he is. You are just like them. They see you the same way. If you don’t understand why he keeps going back to her for sex, and why he keeps going back to her and allowing her to move in his home while he asks you to move out of his house, and why he does more for her child than he does for your child, then you truly are hopeless. You truly are a lost cause. And, as your family said, he truly has destroyed your self-conscious, self-worth, and self-esteem.

What is sad is that you are taking care of the other woman’s child at his home, as if you and he are some married couple. You’re talking about you’ve grown to love his son, and that you keep him. WHY? Ma’am, stop watching and babysitting her child. That is not your child! He has you playing mommy to some other woman’s child. Are you truly desperate and dumb, or just simply slow?

He can only do to you what you allow him to do. He can only keep coming back to you because you keep an open door for him. He can keep having sex with you because you keep opening your legs to him. And, he can get his family to hate you because he vents his frustration to them about you and what you are doing to him, and how he wishes that he had never gotten with you and got you pregnant.

So, grow up, and stop being the 17 year old young teen in love and be the 24 year old grown woman you are bragging about. Stop allowing your teen mind to dictate your adult decisions. End this back and forth with him. End the relationship for good. Let him go. He has not changed, will not change, and does not desire to change. You have to change. You have to do better and want better. You have to decide to close the door forever, and stop fretting and worrying about why he chooses the other woman over you. WHO CARES!?!? Let her have him. Why allow yourself to be someone’s option? Why allow someone to even make you an option? Stop entertaining the “what ifs” and his conversation about being a family and getting married. He won’t marry you, or make you his family. You are co-parenting a child together. That’s it. Focus on rebuilding yourself, restoring your spirituality, strengthening your mind and your heart. Focus on being a better you, so much better that you can look back and wonder what the hell you even ever saw in him. What I am ultimately telling you – GROW UP! – Terrance Dean

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