Dear Bossip: I Want To Break Up With Him, But We Live Together

Dear Bossip,

My soon to be ex and I have been living together for just about 4 years and I’m miserable.

When he first came up with the idea to move together, I was hesitant. We had only been dating for a year and I wasn’t sure if I was ready for such a big commitment. Although he was disappointed, he understood and didn’t press the issue. By our second year, things were going really well with us and I privately pondered the idea of revisiting the whole moving in thing, especially since my lease was ending soon. But, as soon as the thought came, it left. My mom’s words echoed in my ears loud and clear, “He’ll never marry you if you move in with him.” At the time we were really in love with each other, and I knew an engagement was on the horizon, so I decided to hold out.

In preparation for my increase in rent, I dropped my class load down to 2 instead of 3 and picked up a few extra shifts at work. My landlord, thank God, was cool and allowed me to do a month to month until I made up my mind if I wanted to sign or not. That was short lived though. When it came time to sign my new lease, I took one look at those new numbers and was like peace!

Now I know what you’re thinking, “bad move.” But, NYC is not cheap! Plus rooming was out. The majority of my girlfriends were either married, living at home, or shacked up with their guys already. I considered renting a room, but figured why live with a stranger, when I can live with someone I already know? With my mind made up and the boyfriend on board, we moved in together.

The first year was awesome. We got along really good and I had zero complaints. We both were able to save money. I got back on track for school and he was able to explore other job opportunities. The second year was a little more trying I must admit. I was becoming antsy about getting married and he always had a reason why it was never the right time. This caused a lot of tension between us and not to mention I found out he was cheating on me.

By the third year I hated him. I didn’t really, but there were days I did. We fought often, from large things to minuscule things. We just couldn’t get right. The fights were never physical, but emotionally abusive. He called me a b***h twice during a fight, and threatened to call the cops on me because he claims I invaded his personal space. I’ve never experienced this before, and I can honestly say I’m finished with him. I don’t hate him, and I know somewhere deep down he’s still a good guy, I just feel like the relationship has run its course. He wants to do counseling, but I’m positive I want out. I’ve been looking for places, and have a decent amount of money saved. But, it’s still not enough to maintain a place in the city, and home is not an option. My last resort may be moving out of state. I’m very confused, heartbroken, and lost. If you or your readers could offer any useful advice that would be great. – Ready To Move On

Dear Ms. Ready To Move On,

When a woman’s fed up….there ain’t nothing you can do about it.

I’m sorry that it took you three years to figure out what your momma told you was right from the beginning – “He’ll never marry you if you move in with him.” And, quite frankly, by the second year when you learned he was cheating, that should have been the end of the relationship. But, you hung in there, and unfortunately by the third year he had resorted to calling you a b***h, and threatened to call the cops on you. And, you didn’t go upside his head, or pour hot grits on him? Hmmmm….LOL!  Well, you should be grateful that you have learned these things about him before he proposed and before you got married. But, on the flip side if only you had followed your first mind and not moved in with him.

So, now he wants to go to counseling, and you’re fed up and over it. I’m curious as to why he wants to go to counseling now? He’s cheated on you, called you out of your name, and threatened to have you arrested. These are drastic actions toward a partner in a relationship, especially toward someone who is supposed to be in love, and according to you he’s a good guy. Really? I seriously doubt a good guy or good man who loves his woman, and is in love with her, and sees her as his future wife will call her a b***h. And, I’m sure a good guy wouldn’t cheat on her. Nor would a good guy threaten to have her arrested and thrown in jail. I’m just saying.

Now, here you are, and you want out of this relationship and you want peace of mind, but in New York City it’s going to cost you because rent is expensive, and the cost of living is ridiculous for a single person. And, you’re not sure if you can manage living alone, and you want advice on what to do. Well, like all New Yorkers, it’s time to get on your grind and hit the pavement and start the search. You have tell all your friends, co-workers, and acquaintances that you are looking for a place to rent. Tell everyone you know that you’re looking for something reasonable, and affordable. Ask about studio apartments, sublets, and any private landlords who own brownstones and have units available in them, especially in Harlem and parts of Brooklyn. Private landlords are great and many will work with you, so search them out. Also, if you belong to a church it will behoove you to ask some of your church members, or even inquire with the pastor, and the church staff. Some churches own buildings or brownstones and may have a rental available in their buildings. And, check out all the boroughs, including the Bronx, Queens, and Staten Island. Hell, even cities in New Jersey like, Jersey City, Journal Square, or West New York. Also, put in applications for all the lotteries that the city holds for apartments. There are many new buildings and also old buildings that hold lotteries, and you just may get lucky. So, fill out an application and hope for the best. You’re going to have to do the work and really inquire, look, and ask.  Finally, you may need to get a rental agent, and it will be expensive, but many of them work with clients, landlords, and private owners and they may have someone that is looking for a tenant such as yourself.

Unfortunately, living in New York is not like many other states where you can quickly find an apartment and move. It takes 6 months and up to a year, sometimes, to find a good, nice, clean, and affordable place in New York. Therefore, instead of rushing and doing anything drastic, as you did before by quickly moving in with your boyfriend, you’re going to have to really explore your options, save more money, and stay on the grind and keep looking. Can you endure living with him for another 4 to 6 months while you save more money and continue looking?  However, I wonder if you could afford the place you’re currently living in. Talk with the landlord and see if you can take on the place alone, and sign a new lease as a single tenant. Discuss if you can take over the lease, and have your boyfriend move out. I doubt that your boyfriend will go for this, but it’s a shot.

I do think you need to be honest with him and let him know that it’s not working, and you’re over the relationship. If he is discussing counseling, then I’m sure he knows something is up and he is trying to salvage your relationship, but he isn’t aware that you are done with it and him. If you are over it and don’t want to move forward, then let him know now rather than later. You’re still living together, and I’m sure that according to him you’re still in a relationship. End it, so that you can start the process of moving on and healing. You say that you are miserable, and I am sure that your misery is a result of living with someone you don’t want to be with. You are not honest about your feelings and what you need and want from him, so I am sure that you harbor anger toward him. You can’t stand when he comes home, and you don’t want to wake up with him in the house. You don’t want to talk with him, and I’m sure that even the most basic question he asks you irritates you. Tell him you want out. Let him know it’s over so that you can stop feeling angry and being miserable. Be honest and frank about your feelings, what has happened, and how you would like to proceed. Let him know that you love him, and you wish him nothing but the best, but you also love yourself more.

Lastly, you may have to go back home if you can’t tolerate your situation any longer, and if things turns ugly with your boyfriend. And, especially if you don’t find a new living situation. Going home is not a bad thing, and many people do it. You can use it as the time to recover, regroup, and gather your thoughts, and to get your head together. Changing environments may be good, and who knows what will happen if you move home. You can take six months to a year and save more money, and then go back, or you may find that living someplace else is smarter, and even better for you. Also, who know, you may end up meeting a new guy who is better for you. The point is that you don’t know what the universe has in store for you, and what God may want to do in your life. Sometimes things happen in your life in order to move you and to present new opportunities. So, don’t discount taking a step back in order to move forward because that step back may actually be ten steps forward. – Terrance Dean

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