Dear Bossip: After 6 Years He’s Not Sure What He Wants & Says He Wasn’t Ready For Kids

- By Bossip Staff Categories: Dear Bossip, Love and Relationships, News

black-couple-frustrated

Dear Bossip,

Let me give you a little background:  My boyfriend and I have been together for six years.

We have two kids together. We are 100 percent faithful to one another and 100 percent honest with each other. We both don’t have friends. We only go out with each other and he has major trust issues, which took me a long time to show him he can trust me.

He hates using phones so I know he isn’t in contact with anyone. He comes home at the same time every day, same as I. He claims he doesn’t want anyone else to have me and it makes me see that he loves me and wants to be with me. But, it makes me wonder exactly how much does he loves me. Is it enough to want to keep me, but not commit to settling down? He claims that one day he does want marriage first, so he says. Throughout the years of our relationship he will go back and forth.

He’s only had 3 girlfriends in his whole entire life and he is 26-years old. I’m the third girlfriend and the longest relationship he has ever had. He recently told me that he doesn’t know what he wants out of life, including if he wants marriage or more children. He claims that he struggles with the urge to wanna go experience other women because he did not have the chance to do so like some young men before settling down. But, he knows he wants a committed relationship at the same time, so he does not know what to do. He is very confused which is causing me to be confused. I know I want marriage one day.

When I ask if he feels like I’m the one for him he says he doesn’t know because he does not know anything when it comes to his feelings and anything in his life. He claims he’s having a hard time trying to find himself when he feels like he lost himself since the age of fifteen.

So, should I stay and support him in finding himself?

Also, he is addicted to masturbating ever since he was 16-years old. I know it’s late for him to be acting this way because we had kids together (which he claims were made due to him being reckless and not realizing he wasn’t ready for huge responsibility). I don’t know if I can go on any longer with this relationship being unsure, but I know I don’t want to leave him because I love him a lot. What should I do? Should I break up with him and just move on and hope for the best, or should I stay? – Stay Or Go

Dear Ms. Stay Or Go,

Uhm, it’s a tad bit late for him to be “finding himself.” Where is going to find himself? Where did he lose himself? How is he going to find himself? Chile, he better find himself some responsibility, some maturity, some parental skills, and grow the hell up. He better find some sense and get his -ish together. Girl, ain’t no way, no how, or no where. He better get it together today!

You’ve already decided on what you’re going to do. You said so at the end of your letter. You said, “I know I don’t want to leave him because I love him a lot.” So, either you accept his uncertainty, him wanting to experience other women, him trying to find himself, and not being able to express himself, or you leave. Simple as that.

It’s obvious that he is immature, silly, and underdeveloped. You didn’t say what happened to him when he was 15-years old and why he felt he lost himself. Something traumatic had to have occurred. What is he running from? Who hurt him? What was he looking for and didn’t get? And, like most persons who are trying to find something or someone to turn to when they are hurt, he discovered sex as a coping mechanism. Well, he discovered masturbation as a way to escape considering he is addicted to it. So, where did this fascination come from and is he willing to get help for it? Masturbation is normal, but an addiction to it is abnormal. There is something he is not dealing with, and something he hasn’t told you.

The point here is that he needs therapy to get to the root of his issues and problems. You are not going to be able to help him do this. He needs a professional, and someone whom he can speak openly and candidly with that can help direct and guide him to the things he is keeping buried and locked away. There is something deeper that you are not licensed or certified to deal with, and you need to leave it to the professionals. Despite how much you love him and want him to be the man you want, you cannot fix him. He has to want to help himself.

Next, he’s been honest with you when he said that he was reckless and not ready for the responsibility of having kids with you. WOW! Ms. Thing, that says a lot. It is a loaded statement. Basically, he said he was immature, acting out, and just having reckless unprotected sex with you and not thinking about the consequences. And, he’s not ready to be a father, and if he could he wouldn’t be in your life, or your children’s life. And, before he gets married to you, he is taking the time to think about the consequences of making that step because he’s already made a few mistakes. He’s not ready to commit to you, thus, he is not ready to be in a relationship. He wants freedom. He wants to go out and explore other women, explore life, and just do him without having to be responsible to you and his children, or check in with you. And, you want to be with him because….?

Now, knowing this, and seeing what is HIS truth, what are you going to do? How are you going to deal with knowing he’s not ready to commit to you, and his children? How are you going to move forward instead of waiting on him to marry you, which basically would be a foolish move because he’s not mentally or emotionally mature to be in a relationship?

What’s truly unfortunate is that he dragged you into his mental dilemma, and unfairly made you a casualty of his drama and baggage. Not only that, you have children involved with this. So, because he is unstable and childish, he is making you and his children suffer the consequences. He’s a pitiful and sad man. Now, considering who he is, what he is doing to you, and the potential of what he can do to you, what do you feel is in the best interest of your own sanity and your children?

I tell you what, how about you ask him if he is willing to seek therapy and speak with someone about what he’s dealing with. How about you tell him that you want him to be healthy and whole for your children, and in order to do that he has to grow up, take responsibility for his actions, and be a man and get some damn help! He wanted to act like an adult and play house, then grow the hell up and stop whining over what he didn’t get to experience in his younger days. It’s time for his a** to stop acting like one of your children and be a man. He wants to play house, act married, and do what grown-ups do, then it’s time to be a grown a** man. And, you’ve got to stop babying him. Make him accountable, and don’t allow him to regress talking about he doesn’t know how he feels or what he wants. Uhm, boo boo, get it together and stop these damn games. He wants to play, then put on his big boy drawers and quit jerking his d**k and playing with himself. The hell is wrong with him?!?!

Then, he needs to confront his compulsory for masturbation. How often does he do it, and why does he do it so often? Does he do it just because he wants to, or is he seeking some type of pleasure? Can he not help himself? If he is addicted to masturbating, then, is he using adult movies or pictures to help stimulate himself? If so, then does this mean he is addicted to adult movies and pictures as well? How does this affect your sex life? Again, talking with a professional can help him in ways you cannot. There are deeper issues he needs to resolve, and it has resorted to him using self-pleasure, and sex as a coping mechanism. That is not healthy. Having an unhealthy relationship with sex can resort to other means of acting out. And, the fact that he told you he feels the need to experience and explore other women lets me know that he wants to play the field. It has nothing to do with you. It is more about him feeling adequate. He wants to do what his friends, and other men, do when they are young and horny. He wants to sleep around, and not have any consequences, or responsibility. He is looking for fun and freedom. Welp, he should have thought of this before he started having unprotected sex and making babies. You can hope he grows out of this and mature into a grown adult man who acts like he has some sense and adult responsibilities as a parent and father. Or, you think of yourself and your children and decide what’s best for you all. – Terrance Dean

***(Attention all media/news outlets, if you use this story and letter, or any parts of this content for your outlets you must give credit to this site, the columnist, and his advice)**

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

author terrance dean

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria   Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

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