Dear Bossip: I Uprooted My Life For Him, But He Act Like He Doesn’t Want To Be With Me

- By Bossip Staff

black-woman-worrying

Dear Bossip,

I don’t know what’s going on with my relationship, and I’m positive he doesn’t want me anymore.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for three and a half years. I’m 21 and he’s 26 years old. I was going to school part-time at a community college, but I decided recently that I needed a break. My boyfriend is a graduate and has a master’s degree in accounting.

After he received his degree in accounting he got a job 7 hours away. I didn’t want to lose him, so I decided to follow him. He told me he didn’t want me to uproot my life for him and that I have work, school and family to worry about, but I decided to just go out there to be with him and that nothing else mattered. Plus, getting out of our small town was going to be life changing, so that’s when I moved in with him. That was 2 years ago. Things were going great, but we would fight about me not having a job. It was very hard finding a job that would actually pay me well and he didn’t understand why I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s. I don’t mean to sound shallow about that, but how could I go to his work parties and he works in an office for a huge corporation and I work for McDonald’s. Plus, a lot of his co-workers are very judgmental and they probably would’ve seen me and I didn’t want to ruin his image. We then agreed that I would just focus on school.

I mean my parents pay majority of my bills, like my car insurance and phone, so it’s not like I burdened him with any of my large bills. We had a big fight about me not contributing to our household and we broke up and he kicked me out. I cried and begged for him to take me back but he said it was for the best. My family and I had a family trip planned to Europe and he almost didn’t go, but my mom guilted him and told him the trip was paid for and he did end up coming days later. We acted like a couple during the trip and amongst the chaos I forgot to take my birth control for a couple of days and we ended up getting pregnant. He was happy at first saying we will have to be great co-parents, but I told him I didn’t want that for my baby and that we needed to get back together. After 2 months of begging, I finally wore him down and I moved back in.

After I moved back in he started coming home late at night, not answering my calls, being mean to me and telling me that I needed to grow up, and that I’m lazy, I don’t cook or clean. Or, instead of that, he would just ignore me all together. I would ask him to go to appointments and he would say he’s busy working and that he’s trying to afford us a bigger house, or he would just blow me off all together. I got so frustrated that I started to snoop. I checked his Facebook, phone, e-mails, followed him to work and to the gym, and I didn’t find any evidence of him cheating. I literally was so relieved, but I still felt deep down that he didn’t want anything to do with our daughter. I mean he was so wishy-washy when it came to my pregnancy.

He would literally come home with gifts for the baby like clothes, diapers, etc. and completely ignore me. I asked him to help me put up the crib and he said he didn’t want to because he was watching the game, but when I left the house to get dinner he was in the baby’s room putting it together. When I tried to help he said that’s no job for a woman who is 8 months pregnant. I broke down in tears the other day and called his mom and asked her has he told her anything. She said all he talks about is the baby and how he’s excited for baby Italy’s arrival, and that he’s ready to become a father.

That evening when he got home I yelled at him asking him what’s the problem and if he doesn’t want the baby then I can just leave and go back to my parents. I told him the baby is obviously not important to him like it is to me and if that’s the case and I can move and he doesn’t have to worry about ever seeing her or I again. I even yelled at him, begging for him to talk and tell me what’s wrong. I even told him how it’s been 3 months since he hugged me, kissed or made love to me. He told me that he’s stressed out and that this has nothing to do with Italy. He also told me that if I want to leave I can, but he will fight me tooth and nail for custody. He also told me that he does care for me because I’m the mother of his child, but that I need to be more responsible and become a woman especially since I’m having a girl.

I honestly don’t even know what that means I’m very responsible and a damn good woman. After that, he walked away while I sat in the kitchen crying. I’m 9 months pregnant, literally due in any day and I’m so stressed out about my relationship. This is not how I wanted my pregnancy to go and I feel so alone. What should I do? Leave and never speak to him again, or should I pray our relationship will eventually work out for our daughter? – Ms. Heartbroken

Dear Ms. Heartbroken,

Stop threatening him to leave, and just leave. Girl, go!

Also, I don’t think you are hearing him, and maybe he isn’t being clear enough about it, but he doesn’t want to be with you. He doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you. He wants to be a father, and he wants to be there for his daughter, but he no longer wants anything to do with you.

Case in point: Notice that when he moved 7 hours away for his job, “He told me he didn’t want me to uproot my life for him and that I have work, school and family to worry about, but I decided to just go out there to be with him and that nothing else mattered.” Sweetie, he was over the relationship years ago, but you insisted on moving to be with him, and following him. He really didn’t want you to come because he was probably hoping this would be his way out of the relationship. Also, it would have been for your own benefit, and best for you to stay behind and stay with your family, work, and continue school. He finished school. He didn’t move until he had a plan, and he could afford to do so. You stopped attending school, quit your job, and you moved in with him. You didn’t have a plan. You didn’t move with him and continue school, which is why he kept pressing you to work or go to school. He didn’t want you sitting at home doing nothing. He wants a woman who is about her business, taking her of her own, and progressing toward something. That didn’t happen.

Then, you say, “I mean my parents pay majority of my bills, like my car insurance and phone, so it’s not like I burdened him with any of my large bills.” Yes, that may be true, but recognize that everyone is taking care of you.  When he said you need to be responsible, he meant that it’s time for you to grow up and you take care of yourself. If your parents are paying for all your bills, and you live with him, then what do you do? How are you earning your way through life? What can you say that you have done that is yours? In an argument he stated that you don’t cook or clean. He’s asking you to do the basic minimum since you’re not working, and all you have to do is focus on school, then why not at least cook or clean? You missed the entire point he was making to you, and you even admitted that you didn’t know what he meant by you being responsible. Therefore, you don’t have a clue as to how you live dependently on everyone else. Also, the trip you took with your family to Europe, who paid for you to go? (I’ll let that marinate)

Also, I don’t believe for a second that you “forgot” to take your birth control pills when you were on the trip. You planned that. You were hoping to get pregnant because that would be your way back into your boyfriend’s life. You and he were not together, and he put you out. And, to get him back you had your mother to call him and beg him to come, which he came a few days later, and then you plotted to get pregnant. Because there is no way that you “forget” to take your birth control pills. I’m sorry, but you planned for this to happen so that he would take you back. SMDH!

Look, you are mad and upset with him because he is not responding to you the way you want him to. He is not being the boyfriend you want, and you are trying every desperate measure to get him to love and embrace you. Nothing you do or are doing is working, and now you’re screaming and yelling at him trying to get him to tell you the truth, or you that you will leave if he doesn’t want anything to do with you. And, he did tell you what you could do. He told you that you can leave, but he will fight for custody of his child. Sweetie, he wants nothing to do with you. He only wants to take care of his child and be a father to his daughter. Your relationship is over, and has been over for a long while.

I think you are too caught up with him, and in him. Why are you begging and pleading for a man to take you back, or to be in a relationship with you? Why are you trying to force someone to love you or to be with you? You don’t hear yourself, and you don’t see what you’re doing because you’re too caught up in trying to win his affection, attention, and his love. He keeps telling you that you can leave, that he’s not into the relationship. He even told you that you and he are going to co-parent. That is code for: “We are not going any further with our relationship. It’s over. Marriage is not on the table, and I don’t see a future with you.” Ma’am, he’s already broken up with you, and you’re just around until the baby comes.

I do feel it’s time for you to grow up, and take responsibility for yourself and stop relying on others to take care of you. At some point you’re going to have to be independent and pay your own way through life. Why not take this time to reconsider your options, and possibly move back home with your parents. Then, after the baby is born you look into getting back into school, finishing your degree, advancing yourself, and get yourself a career. Your relationship with him is not going to go anywhere because he doesn’t see you as someone who is part of his future and how he is advancing. You want to play Ms. Housewife, and show up at the events like you’re Ms. Trophy Wife With A Great Job, and Living The Happy Life. But, you are not bringing anything to the table. You won’t even work at McDonald’s because it’s beneath you. Please take a close look at yourself, and do some introspection. Take your focus off him, and look at your life, and hopefully you will see that it’s time to invest in yourself and your child, get yourself together and become your own woman, and just be a great co-parent with him. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria   Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

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